Baby we were born to RUN.

HOLY SHIT goooodmorningggg, WOW! you know what I just did???? I woke up before my alarm - and I jumped straight out of bed into my running shoes. Willoughby of course took notice and began to circle around me whining incessantly - he made the process much harder than it had to be with his carrying on BUT whatever, he knew we were going for an early morning run and he was like "HELL YEAH MY MOMMA IS BACK WOOF WOOF" I put on my ghetto old school ear phones and swirled and clicked the IPOD to Mumford and Sons and went to seize the damn day. It was perfect, like seriously. I have missed my early morning runs, they are so much more spectacular than sitting on the porch with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. I am dripping sweat as I sit here and type and that smells a thousand times better than nicotine on my pretty finger tips. The morning was cool and I felt really alive out there in my bike shorts and tank top, my skin was aware of the temperature, I love feeling the weather on my body. We took off walking first, just to warm up my old trick hip which I injured running three years ago - I was wearing the wrong running shoes - who knew I was an over pronator and have dancers arches that would make you believe I spent a lifetime in toe shoes....I tore my labral, had a little flap loose and when I ran, because I was not rotating properly the little flap nicked along every rotation. Everyday like a junkie, I ran and ran on it. The first mile hurt and then I went numb and felt nothing and "SO WHAT?" I said - until four or five hours later when I couldn't walk - at all. Get up the next day like a crack addict and do over.... Took six long months to recover and really expensive running shoes AND I know, that I must warm that hip up and let it get used to the idea that it is about to be pushed. So.....we started out slow and we took in of all the beautiful things around us. We passed a tree that had like eight birds in it - it was a low tree - more like an over grown bush of some unknown kind - regardless, it had like eight birds in it, just sitting on branches and chirping at each other. It made me think of my Nana and Bob and Lilly Kitty. I knew that dead blue bird on my doorstep was an omen, sigh. I went on then as Mumford and Sons finished one song and went on to one of my favorites 'little lion man' - If ever a song reminds me of Bob without a specific memory attached, it is this one. And... before I knew it, Willa's tongue was hanging out of his mouth flapping behind him as we took off like bullets, flying down the road in a full on sprint. IT FELT SO GOOD. In my mind, I said "run at this speed until the end of the song" I tore up the road, Willa right beside me like a good running partner, his head by my left knee, keeping perfect steady pace. We ran and ran, as I listened to the words and let my grief sweat out of me. I love feeling it trickle down my back and into my ass crack - it means it's working. As I made it through the song and sprint, I slowed to a jog and remembered when this all began, my love for running. I HATED to run HATED IT. And then I quit smoking (HA) and decided that I needed a new addiction and it should be something I had to learn to love. I began slowly - a mile a day..... I told my trainer at the gym - my goal is this - I want to be able to out run an attacker. IF I FAIL at that, I want to be strong enough, quick enough, to be able to fight for my life - I never cared about pounds or calories - I didn't do any of it to look prettier - I took hold of my health because if I wasn't living to die I might as well be living to live and be a badass while living it. And man was I a badass. Weights got tossed about, cycles got cycled and miles got logged. Hundreds and hundreds.... Best shape of my life, could have pounced a quarter off any part of my body like a military bed. SIGH.... Willa and I chose a hilly road and dug in for the big climb, my runners stance unchanged - as though I never left it. My left arm like a birds wing up and out a little more than my right, hand open and fingers dainty, pinky almost raised like a good Irish lass at tea time, right arm in like a boxer, hand balled in a fist. When I went for my gait analysis at Cville Running shop, the owner put me on the treadmill and mused at my gait. Hips square, dug in,back straight and tall, torso elongated and shoulders high, spine straight up to my skull - he cracked up at my arms - one a dainty bird and the other a boxer. He laughed "what's with the arms and hands?" I said "well, you catch me - I am going to stroke your face all sweet with my left hand and confuse you and then punch you as hard as I can with my right." He laughed at me and I said "No, really" and I laughed with him. Today I knew that bird and boxer - she was me again, just like she had never left.... And, just so you all know - I only stopped because I went to get my degree and when you work full time, have four kids and are a student - there is little time to pee, forget run. And, a year in - during finals - I wandered outside one day and bummed a cigarette off the cute kid that worked at cinema taco and nicknamed me 'guacamole' He looked at me like 'really?' and that was that - a smoker again......sigh. BUT SIGH NO MORE (the Mumford and Sons album title) cause I am back. I desperately want to go back to the gym too and lift - pump and spin were tow of my favorite classes ever - I miss my Rebecca and GMA, Chet and Barb, all the gym rats. Those were good, healing, productive days in my life - I kinda want thie further evolved Deb to take a crack at that again. I was thinking as I was running - it's all about taking personal responsibility. Life, I mean. Take personal responsibility for the way you live, the choices you make, for the way your life goes. It all comes down to that. My life has been hard, no doubt. I walked with Emma last night and we talked more about my childhood - how lucky she and I are to have the relationship that we have - how mine with my Mom was so difficult - that we were completely different people. We talked about how I ran away - how I lived on the street for a while - how I was in foster homes as a teenager - a group home for teenagers. It was kinda tough. Of course some of that was not my fault - and some of it was.... Some of my miserable marriage to Dan was not my fault (a lot) and well, some of it was. There is always a choice involved, ALWAYS. I have little patience for people who blame everyone else and refuse to accept responsibility for their part in their life. Sure......life can just HAPPEN and SHIT can just Happen - um yeah, I am queen of shit happens - BUT, I always have a choice how I let it affect/effect me. There is always a choice to be made. Wallow in shit and complain, point fingers and be the victim and chainsmoke while doing it OR get up, dust my shit off, see my part, accept my role in my undoing and fix the fuck out of it. I prefer the latter choice, always have. I won't ever go back to bullshit that I bring on myself - I won't ever do it again.... I said it on Monday in counseling with Dan - "I am done with bullshitters - if you cannot do the truth here in this room - I don't belong in it" I have no time left to waste. That is my choice. I think this is day 5. I like day 5, it feels detoxifyingly delicious. Yesterday I called Emma's school and asked the secretary to pull her from class and have her call me. Last night when we were walking on the trail she told me that she thought she was called to the office because a girl threw dog poop at another girl on the playground and she witnessed the event - she thought she was going to have to tell ... Instead she called me and I told her that I loved her more than life - that I was missing her - that I am grateful she is my daughter and my best friend. She told me as we passed a butterfly bush on the trail, that it made her feel really special. There is always a CHOICE to be made. I finished my run under the shade of a massive pine tree. I noted the needles on the road at my feet. I stopped and stood in them, looked up and saw all the cones that will fall very very soon. I thought of Audrey and the pine cones she brought me on our camping trip, one sits right next to me on my Grandfathers desk where I sit to write - it is next to me right now. I remember her asking me "Missss Deb wasss wasss this?" - she is so damn inquisitive that smart baby girl - she asked that question about everything, especially things she knew the answer to :) I thought about Bob and I, the day we lay under the pine trees in the front yard on our backs in the damp grass, the smell when I hung clothes on the line - I thought about choices and how I wish I could reach out and shake him - sit in my seat in our kitchen, the one with the handcuffs and have a real conversation with my best friend not the last cowboy that replaced him - or maybe is the real him??? IDK. Choices..... It is a hard thing to accept when we are used to claiming we are victims. I am not a victim. I am a victor. And I CHOOSE to believe that, when I could easily convince others and myself, otherwise. Good thing is, I smiled and cried on my run today. I thought of my Nana, my life, my kids, my sweet daughter, Mary, Bob and Audrey and choices. Not bad, smiles and tears in one run, kinda like he bird and the boxer..... I think it was a perfect choice for the start of Day 5. I kinda want to call Matt at school today :) Be blessed and choose good things. LOVE LOVE LOVE - Happy Friday!

right on time.

Okay, I admit it....Today, at the start of day four - I am feeling a little edgy, like a cigarette may in fact solve every problem I have, maybe even world hunger, a marlboro menthol light may just be the key to world peace..... Just now I coughed and it was gross - precisely why I will not smoke one, even though it could temporarily solve everyyyyythning. I can breathe better already and am clearing my throat less, even have hope that I will be able to hit Adele's high notes at Karaoke Saturday night. I am so excited for that - I love to sing :) At any rate, I feel edgy, but okay - strong despite the weakness I am wanting to crumble to so badly. I was talking to Becca yesterday and she confirmed what I already knew - when I say I am done, I am done and I just go to it cold turkey - although a lot of people have suggested nicotine replacements, like the patch or gum, I am kind of an all or nothing girl. I have to just DO. Yesterday - I did a lot. I worked on the book all day long while the kids were at school. Man that is such a process, I forgot how draining devoting an entire day to words can be. It was something else. I put together a big binder full of materials, letter pictures - things that were left behind - I have a lot of stuff to look at should I need inspiration. Which I won't - this story is desperate to get out of me and on to paper. I cannot wait for a month to go by to see what I have accumulated in paper and page numbers. I cannot wait for my court date to come with Dan, the leaves to change to my favorite colors, the air to turn cool and crisp and for the binder to be full of red lined pages. I have so so so much to do and accomplish. Last night after dinner, I was going through the pile of mail on the table and came across a slip of notebook paper in my handwriting. It was a list of things that Emma wanted me to work on changing.... We had talked about her experience about a month ago as I felt my life slipping away from me and was afraid my daughter did too.... I am proud to say that I have fine tuned almost everything on her list :) I have no talked on the phone beyond 5 o'clock to anyone for any reason. I have quit smoking (this really bothered her) We are going for daily walks together at which point she has the power to discuss with me ANYTHING that she has on her mind. And, we are reading every night before bed. I have done good at regaining myself in a very short amount of time. Last night she asked me, "Mom, how long do you think your heart will hurt about Bob?" The question caught me off guard completely and I looked blankly into her blue eyes and freckles trying to find the words. She found them for me - she said "Probably forever right, you and Bob laughed a lot and you love his kids too." Um yeah - she is a smart, smart girl. I took a deep breath and tried to respond in a way that comforted her out of having to comfort me. I told her that love is a complicated thing. That sometimes love just isn't enough to keep people together - that the world provides other factors and complications.... If love were enough - than our own family wouldn't be as broken as it feels. I then went on to TRY to explain that the most important love - the love that ALWAYS IS ENOUGH is SELF LOVE. That if you love yourself enough, expect respect and nothing less from those around you than what you deserve, always do your best for YOU - when other people and other 'loves' fail you - you may cry a little, hurt a bit, miss them even BUT have the capacity to just keep moving right along on the positive path you have carved out for yourself. I think she got it - she hugged me and said "well anyone who doesn't love you enough is just dumb cause you're beautiful" She only says that cause she looks just like me - conceited little brat :) Nah she's pretty perfect and a healer like her Momma, always trying to soothe hurts and right wrongs. Gotta make sure she doesn't devote her life to it though like I did - or at least if she does, make it professional and not personal..... Life is complicated. Mine has always been from day one. I think maybe it is just my destiny to keep learning, keep growing and evolving. This year has been a huge one. I miss my Nana. See, I type the words and my eyes fill with tears so quickly I can't see through the salty haze. I lost my Nan, I wore a cap and gown, I filed for divorce and after 18 years with the same man - I tried another. Big year. Big big big year. Oh and I quit smoking(again) Dave and the boys put a new album out in twelve days. On September 11th - last year I wrote my 911 blog - man time just rolls on by. I cannot wait for this album and I love it's release date. I have a feeling that me and the crisp Autumn air - the leaves dying in fits of orange rage / the season of death and quiet before the rebirth will do nicely with some new DAVE MATTHEWS BAND to mark the new beginning I will not divert from. How much you wanna bet the album is full of songs questioning humanity and where we go from here??? I know it will be right in line with my life cause it always is..... That's why they are who they are to me. The 41st year has been all about me wanting to stay in what I know, but finding my own way out.... FINALLY JESUSSSSSS. I am okay and my kids are too - whatever is broken, we will mend and go on. It's a good feeling, being strong and devoted to the cause. Speaking of that - I gotta get ready for work - my boss actually LOVED what I did to the boutique and gave me permission to keep going and re-do the entire back of the store. I'll be late if I don't go get ready and that would not be giving my work life the best me I can give. tisk tisk. So I am off. I hope you all have a blessed day full of love and sunshine. Oh and pray for the people battling these hurricanes - God Help them :(

Day 2 OPR

Good Morning Loves, I just noticed that my hits are up there, like close to 15,000 - wow - that is so cool. Thanks for following all ya'll. So, I don't have much time (what else is new?) BUT it's for a really good reason - I have a about an hour to get my "housework" done and then it is time for me to "clock in" at my second official job.....Hmmmmm you are wondering what job is this she speaks of???? MY BOOK! I have decided to spend two whole days a week when I would have normally been in classes, at my computer writing this damn book that is just itching to be written. I carry a little pad of paper with me at all times to jot shit down as it pops into my mind....I wake up at 4:27 in the morning most days just desperate to get the official business of the day under my belt so I can write. THIS STORY WANTS OUT OF MY HEAD, I figure the best way to get this done is to just devote time to it like I would my other job. I REALLY REALLY need to get my children's book published too - maybe I can get a 'two-fer' with a publishing company? Ha, I would love that. Thing is....I KNOW that this book is going to get published, I know it because I saw it in my truck that warm Christmas Eve night when he rubbed the side of my riding boots and chugged a blue moon in the static light of the parking lot - I saw it when he swallowed - his Adam's apple that A always said, "Daddy wassss that?" about - I watched it intently and had a burning in my gut like finally I knew why I was here. I thought then it was true love - now I know it is so much more. This year has been my catalyst year and I am ready to rock and fucking roll forty two - it is time to get published and write the book that will tell it all - Who will play me in the movie? Kate Winslet I think - or maybe Drew Barrymore. Ashley Judd will definitely be Mary and who would ever play BTB??? I get ahead of myself, cart before the horse girl strikes again.... But anyways, I am on day 3 of no cigarettes - Thank God. It is definitely harder this time than last, but I think it is only because I was smoking so much due to stress that without all that 'stimulant' flooding my bloodstream I am extremely tired. I have walked/run everyday - and have been taking evening strolls with the dog and the kids every night - I am getting out and getting fresh air constantly which is key to me staying motivated. Last time I quit, I took up running and developed quite a running habit - also cycling and lifting - I am so wanting to join the gym and return to my pump class - but, I don't know if it's worth the money and considering I have a free membership at the college. All in all though I am doing great - limiting shit in my system, definitely de-toxing, going to eliminate gluten and dairy again here pretty quick too. If I want this body to operate like a champ, then I need to fuel it as such, the athlete/dancer in me can't run on Marlboro's and M&M's.... In addition to those changes, I have also started ignoring my phone as soon as the kids get home. I have been devoting every moment to them, my undivided attention. It's good - they were really sick and tired of the drama in my life, really fed up to see me spinning my wheels, especially since it was all wasteful and took away from them. Crazy how a cycle can steal everyone it touches and suck you right up in to the eye of the storm - I was in a cycle too. Not good. I am out now and feeling so much better. The kids and I are also back to reading chapter books at bedtime again, although we have seen it, Brian bought the HUNGER GAMES so that Emma can get all the details lost in the movie. We read a chapter every night, I love that feeling so much, the two of them cuddled up in bed with me intently listening. I especially love when Emma does not know the meaning of a word and she asks - then I explain and do the context scenario - I love when I see understanding register in her bright blue eyes, a smile spreads across her face when she gets it. "you understand Mimz?" - "yes Momma - thank you" - Love what she and I have so much. Last night as we were walking the dog together, holding hands, we discussed being best friends - that we will always be - then she asked why Mitt Romney doesn't think women should be able to do what they want with their bodies and I had to slow and steady take her down the path of women's health issues - she asked wonderful questions and I gave thoughtful answers and in the end - we agreed that government should not interfere with a woman's right to choose anything for herself..... I cannot wait to see every single thing this child does with her life.....And of course the boys, they amaze me too, BUT let's be honest - they have penis's and that puts us at a great disadvantage - Son's and Mom's have something wonderfully unique for sure, BUT Mom's and Daughter's are wonderfully the same and that saves so much time and precious energy.....I also, feel really good about the boutique. I have gone in these past two weeks in recovery mode with the promise to put my absolute best effort in while I am there. I have completely gutted the store and Rachel and I have worked really hard on trying to pull it together and make the lines that we carry and the way they are displayed more cohesive and more appealing. I think we have rocked it hard and it looks beautiful, a lot of my regular customers are giving really positive feedback. And, my favorite customer Peggy came to see me the other day - she noticed right away I had been crying (like Four hours earlier) - I gave her the short version and she hugged me so tight, told me I am so much better than all that and we made a date to have coffee. I love my job and the amazing women I work with and the fantastic customers that become friends through the years. Love my job, really I do. Shit, now I have a half hour to get my housework done before book writing time. Damn you blog followers that need to know my business :) I hope you all have a fantastic Wednesday.

Day One OPR

Good Tuesday Morning, sigh.....I am up and at it today. Waiting for my pin curls to dry and then I am off. Does everyone know what pin curls are? Curls you wind around your finger and then secure with a bobby pin - I am channeling my inner starlet lately, feeling a little classic and old school, wanting to do vintage glamor, let the buxom blonde have her way for a change. I am not sure why, I just go through phases of fashion - I am wanting my hair to grow about 4 inches so I can twist it up in a million different styles (and so I can feel like a lion too), wanting to integrate MARY JANE pumps into every out fit and want giant pearl stud earrings. Go figure. At any rate, I am allowing me, whatever me, feels is right. I have snapped into Operation Phoenix Rising Mode and that is a mode that just happens naturally. What is OPR you ask? Well it is the phase of my life where the Phoenix I have been working on for the last four years or so, finally gets her wings and takes off with a roar and profound wing whoosh. In other words I am done with bullshit and bullshitters and I am not letting anything negative get in my way any more - not one second more.... After letting go of a toxic man and situation last week, I gave a lot of moments up to thinking on my pattern of being drawn to toxic, wanting to help toxic. I can't do it anymore. I spent 18 years doing it with Dan, 6 years doing it with Jimmy - At 18 I was toxic myself - after a difficult adolescence and the sudden death of my best friend, I was pretty much shattered and empty - I think previously I have represented it in this blog as basically being 'walking dead' - I began my adult life as a corpse - go figure that as I proceeded, I was only drawn to the same flavor in other people.... That phase of my life has ended. I simply have no respect for taking anything for granted. Grandstanding is a cover for real life and I am done listening to it in others and doing it myself....This brings me to OPR....Yesterday was day one of my new life. I began by NOT smoking a cigarette all day :) I am so done with that shit, I want my athlete/dancer back. I went to counseling yesterday with Dan, my soon to be EX husband....After all these years of begging him to get the help, all it took was serving him divorce papers? Well, we have a lot of work to do to learn to co-parent effectively, all the issues that prevented us from working together as a couple, exist in our roles as parents. Interesting to go to counseling while getting a divorce. I think it feels pretty perfect and right on time. I am in it for my kids....My kids who I worship, my kids who need the kick ass Mom that I am, to not go into self destructive mode because of any more empty men - I need to stay focused on my babies and me - that is all I need in my life - all that is important - I am back to rocking the home front, now that the Bob issue has finally been put to rest. Everything I was invested in became compromised because of that lifestyle - one that is not and will never be mine. I expect more from myself and the people I surround myself with - my kids must have been like "what the hell has happened to MOM?" - I know a lot of my friends were wondering where the hell I disappeared too and were monumentally confused as to WHY??? In my defense guys and babes - it was my last step backwards. I had to do it I guess, see if the Johnny and June was really my destiny. Guess what? It isn't - Johnny was far more real and devoted to goodness and June, well she knew it - my Johnny is all about himself - I always said that we were exactly alike, tough as goddamn nails, wreck less to a disastrous fault - you want to hit my jaw??? "well here it is, it the lighting good, can you see my bones?" Difference is, I am real badass who does what real badasses do - which is the right thing followed up with "Now, that is how it's done." NOT complete and utter self destruction and destruction of everything good followed up with claims of 'they don't make em like me anymore' - Um yeah they do - it's called the Jim Jones of humanity. I did it and learned and now I move forward. Yesterday in addition to the no cigarettes, the divorce/parent counseling, I went and got all my needed supplies for the book - Ha I am writing the fuck out of PROOF and wait until it gets published - you bloggers are gonna go - wow who knew she could do all that? Big difference in me running my mouth and me writing a novel. I actually did an outline the other night on my business dinner with myself. I was so official and Brian, who was cooking in the kitchen, came out on the floor to see how my dinner was - he found me working and was so happy that he kissed me on the top of my head and said "I love you MA" Thanks baby boy - good to know my kids love me, need me and are proud of me. That is all I need to be happy - that and doing MY PERSONAL BEST in EVERYTHING I DO. And with that I gotta run - I have to pack up my food for work - also on a budget an not spending money on anything but necessities anymore - I have a loan to pay off and a future to think of. This girl has got it going on - so much so, there is no longer a concept of backwards in my mind. All I see, is future happiness. Watch me Now, I am a Phoenix rising, it's pretty. Happy Tuesday - gonna rock day two. XO

in the gray matter

Good Sunday Mornin' rain is fallin....(how many of you got the maroon5 reference?) That's the thing about me - I speak in tongues - of lyrics. If you don't know them, you miss some of the point. Whatever - I am prone to rant like conversations with myself posing as blogs lately, I must reel that in. Maybe. Some you get off on it, I know it. Some of you follow along like champs and smile because you know me well enough to know me better than those who don't - missing my nuances is a sorrowful mishap - ha, I am doing it again. I am sitting with my coffee, the most lovely sandalwood incense is burning and my java is appropriately strong. I woke up earlier from a dream, one where my savings had been gambled away by a man who has no regard for accepting long term or short term responsibility. It was watching my house go into foreclosure all over again. certainly not how I would have done it, but pride will do stupid things to already challenged men. Doing it again.....Someone speak up and stop me - that is what it takes and truthfully I have MUMFORD and SONS playing, they kinda instigate the self preservation conversations, with myself. Speaking of that (still doing it) I was thinking last night as I drifted gently and satisfied into slumber - I really want a whack at PINKS couch and that song. I want to do live In Australia's rendition of 'when I think about you I tough myself' I want a crack at that couch, song and old school microphone and naturally, but of course, the mother load lace cat suit and the heels. And most significantly a litter of curious kitties, an audience. I AM REALLY IN THE DEEP THINKING, LAYERS PLACE aren't I am an onion - enzymes that'll make you cry every time, no matter how much you rinse that blade in cold water first. I wish I could send this album South, dude it's a painful release, these guys are badass - badass and beautiful, unique and sumptuous. I had a purpose for this blog this morning - I really did. It was this - never ever be afraid to say how you truly feel...... NEVER _ ALWAYS SAY IT - NEVER STAY SILENT. You all know that this has been my sentiment forever - Omar and a river of grief whose banks rose and drowned out my life taught me that a little too early on to make a lot of life manageable. I taught this sentiment to my baby girl the other night, yet again. The moments were some of my best ever, ever ever ever in my life. It went like this - At the swim banquet the other night, insert Deb who really has to pee ants in her pants impatient and really on the verge of leaving a puddle. I wanted to speak after the award portion of the evening - I had something I DESPERATELY needed to say and yet, Oh GOD I have to peeeeeee. But love wins, they do make depends and maybe I just ought to start carrying one in my suitcase I call a purse.... At any rate - I spoke. began by asking everyone to be quiet- hush up my mouth is not that big. Of course that got a rise as my daughter smiled at me from her spot on the floor, long legs folded neat up underneath looking like the perfect angled backside of an envelope - she smiled waiting for her MOM to say something crazy funny... In short - I praised the five teenagers who are my daughter's swim coaches - praised their parents for a job well done, expressed my gratitude for these kids being my childs mentors - AMEN, love those kids with all of my bursting heart - best group ever. Fun and good, loving, attentive, encouraging - the list is endless. I ended my monologue by acknowledging that all swim teams consider themselves a family - but they are not out family....GO SHARKS. The great part came as I actually collapsed, butt cheeks falling to the toilet seat and peeing like my life was being spared - Emma in the stall next to me. I said "Mimz, when Mom gets up in front of people like that, does it make you uncomfortable, do you worry about what I might say?" SHE GIGGLED and I said "hey what's with the giggle guts?" She said "No Mom I don't worry, I can't wait to hear what you have to say." I smiled at the wall that separated us, she continued, "You're always so funny and loving" and "I love your outfit tonight" :) :) :) endless to infinity. We exited our stalls and stood facing each other, she grabbed me hard around my middle and buried her face in my tunic, rubbing her face close to my heart. I asked her "you gonna do that when you grow up, have the courage to always say what you feel in front of anyone?" She said "I mean I'll try Mom" I said, "There is no trying, you just say what you feel in your heart always" She squeezed harder and told me she loved me - ALWAYS HAVE THE COURAGE OF YOUR HEARTS CONVICTION MY LOVE ALWAYSSSSSSSSSSSS. That was a good exchange - a perfect confirmation. I went to my truck after and cried. Cried for all the stress I wish would leave me so I can return to doing what I do best, loving the people who not only need it BUT WANT IT. NEED AND WANT are not both fruits of a different color and texture. They are opposite. Not cloak and dagger. Sigh. I also wanted to discuss a customer I had yesterday - I won't get too deep into it - just know that she and I made friends. She schooled me on my VEGAS capabilities to own a black jack table, how my prowess and power could make me a rich girl with a free room at the Bellagio - she was classy sassy at it's best and she wanted me to dress her like me. Wanted some Deb in a bag. It was great - she spent 1,000 dollars and mentored me. As she left, she made it all the way to the door and then spun on her heels and returned to me leaning over the counter presenting a medal that hung around her neck. She said "Deb read this - she then proceeded to say the words along with my eyes. It said THERE IS REALLY ONLY ONE QUESTION YOU NEED TO ASK YOURSELF WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THIS FANTASTIC LIFE? She smiled as the medal hit her tan skin, backing off the counter, the fingers which held the silver turning into a point at me - she said then "what are you gonna do with it?" and winked. I love my life. I love when the kindred come and call me out and make me know that it is all a plan and I have one and it is visible to those who are like me. I love that with all my fucking heart. I also love coffee and cigarettes and Dave Matthews when he talks about toast and jelly. Licking from your back to your belly. I am a big humongous personality, this I know. I am a biggie. I love that I am understood by the most amazing people - to take that even further, the cool people want to know all about me and wait hanging on an edge to hear me. Love that. I am difficult for the stupid people to follow and for them to watch, I imagine I inspire a whole lot of self loathing in those who live their lives in so opposite my direction. I am only hated by the haters and this is a good knowing for me to carry forth on this journey. My daughter is not a hater. AMEN. I think maybe I should go see a movie today. Ha Brian just texted me - he is on a train back from Boston - so anxious to see me that he is stalking me via harassing phone calls and texts, Hilarious. My kids are awesome. Awesomely wanting to never cut the Mom chord and even though it is annoying as fuck in the older two - it is affirming - they too love me for all the right reasons. The day is gray like the happy medium between animosity and obsession - I guess I should feel satisfied. I think that I really am. I have learned a lot lately about me - who I am, who I'm not and who the hell I want to be. I cannot change anything other than my clothes - I was going to say underwear but I am no longer comfortable with that concept - I change my outfit, my shoes, my actions and that is about the extent of it. Like Ben says "DO YOU" He also says "I swear to God Deb" - cracks me up when he unloads his anger on me like I am his older sister. "yes Dear" Ha. I cannot wait to develop Ben's character in the book. I have a rough draft of chapter one where he first appears - it's classic. So many names I will have to rename. I may need help with that....If I am not Deb in the book - whoever could I be???? I am Deb, I know no other name to be. Hmmmmmmm I may have to run a poll of facebook or something...rename the characters of my new book PROOF. But the names are PERFECT as is....Mother Mary, the Holy TRINITY, Emma Claire, Kev Kev.....Multiple Jenny's, Leesie, the brats. Perfect names for a perfect story that is going to put me on the best sellers list and embarrass pool mom's who make the mistake of reading it out in the open. It is so good.... Maybe I should post a portion as a blog? Would you all like that? An excerpt from PROOF - you can tell me if you want more..... Maybe I will do that - just don't want to be plagiarized or sued. The truth can inspire law suits I have heard, although I am certain that defaming is intended to stop lies - not sure, but absolutely sure. Your Mother left you stranded said she couldn't even stand the things you can - so turn that finger round you're the one bringing you down - Hmmm Mumford to HoneyHoney. This could incite an emotional riot - good thing I have too much to do. Okay kids, I think I am sufficiently spent with my bony ass on this hard chair. My coffee is cold too. Let me know what's up - if you are interested in a chapter of the book - I received a comment this morning from a Country I am not familiar with - it was a suggestion to get some help with a love spell that will make my lover faithful - clearly that country knows not of who I have had for a lover. Faithful is not a word in that dictionary my sweet foreign friend. And spells, for the record are the last thing I need help with - I set cast them everyday, just in some circumstances they are meant to weed out the weeds of my garden not get them to bloom. I am a sunflower though, big and bright and tall. A thick stalk. Okay seriously my ass hurts. Lovely Sunday to you. I black out the windows, He bolts up the door, I'm wound up with thinkin' and he sleeps on the floor. Kisses like a masochist and I am better off alone, real love is harder than I ever could have known. GOSPEL TRUTH

the first CD

Oh my am I a brave girl tonight. I finally have worked up the gumption to play Ray Lamontagne.... DEEEEEEEEP BREAAAAATH. He is singing beside me as I type - I am unsure as I hit that key of exactly what I have just said. My brain is on emotion overload. Ooooooohhhhhhh my. MMMMMMmmmmmmmm. WOW. Okay....okay. I am pushing myself into places that I do not want to go, in a boldest of bold moves, to effectively just leave it all behind. This is the Ray Lamontagne phase - There is a lot of familiar forgetting that must occur here. He is such a bad ass, Ray.....I mean. I heard him and went in pursuit of him, then....spread him like the plague. TROUBLE was Emma Claire's lullaby album - I played Ray 8 years ago 24 hours a day and when not playing, I was singing. As I did dishes, folded laundry, rubbed silky blonde hair on my baby girl's head while she nursed and I rocked us - singing, ALL THE WILD HORSES.... Ray and I have had an intimate relationship for years and years - and now....It's more. Mmmmmmmmm so much more. It has become the beginning of a soundtrack to the story of them all. And I am sooooo big on music. Bleed it out my veins. Music is Me - period. I hate that moment when a soundtrack from your own life becomes like dying alive. Jackson Browne rips the mother scab clear off and takes a pound of reattached flesh with it. Do not get me started on my soundtrack, please - But there is it.....The beginning of LET IT BE ME, the deep breath and the first few lines - HIS RINGTONE, the dip and rise of in and out of despair - That's when you need someone, someone that you can call, when all your faith is gone it feels like you can't go on - LET IT BE, if it's a friend that you need - let it be me. HOLY FUCK. I literally cannot breathe, could suffocate sitting here, face on the keys of this beloved laptop that I typically want to throw across the room. Jesus this HURTS. Okay my spine is relaxing a little bit, yikes that didn't go so well. Maybe I should get it over with and throw every track from the very first CD I ever made for him. That one has some Sade BY YOUR SIDE, some Zac Brown FREE/INTO THE MYSTIC, and OTIS REDDING the Motherfucker singing THESE ARMS OF MINE..... Youuuuuu know what? Fuck it, lets' do it. I am pulling it up on my itunes library in just a second - BRB.......First Track ADELE _ make you feel my live - live in Soho... I am going to sit quiet for a minute. Play it with me if you want...... This is over 70 minutes of music I am getting myself waist deep in FYI - this is going to read as a process. I see myself in the red chair, the breeze blowing the white curtains, the sound of water from the kitchen - dishes being rinsed - My eyes are closed, one knee is up to the sky, that leg falls in and out from my hip - I am singing, a cigarette burning in the stone ashtray I always dragged out of the bedroom - it sat on my belly button a bunch of times, my feet crossed at the ankles, smoke swirling a dense cloud of repetitive motion, hips rotating to the sound as Zac Brown begins in a ripping violin on FREE/INTO THE MYSTIC. Sorry I need a drink, my throat is dry from choking on NO AIR. mmmmmmmmmmmm fhhhhuck. Lay underneath the harvest moon and do all the things that lovers do. We laughed......We laughed all the time - hysterically. The harder I laughed, the harder he did and then bam a heap holding on to each other for dear life going further and further into the sick details of the best story telling ever.... I will miss that FOREVER. The only consolation prize is that I KNOW he never did that with anyone but me. The laughter, the music, the honesty, the passion, the intimacy. This song reminds me of my cowboy boots, the tan ones, I wore them a lot. Me click swing click and him with his heavy boots and shoulder dip. The two baddest, hottest, mother fuckers your eyes ever did see. All the couples in Food Lion moved out of our way and watched as we walked slyly away, looked up from the T-Bone steak they were examining to watch our steps match up like Fred and Ginger. And with that JASON MRAZ and SONG FOR A FRIEND. There is no price to pay when you give in what you take. Seems fitting somehow in this moment as my anger surfaces.... Cause this song is all about friendship and if that bitch hasn't fucked up the best running mate choice in the quest of diplomacy. Grrrrrrrrr this guitar solo is halping a little. I saw this live. Fucking right I did and I am going to David Gray which I believe came and went from this saga unscathed and stained up. But I rant instead of rave - sue me, god knows I earned the controversy. And yes Mary I am going to take this to a stage - you are absolutely dead fucking on as usual. Sure, English Teacher, sure social worker, sure one woman show - a little song, a little dance, a little poem a little deb painting the picture... Hair pulled in my new signature style - dark black eye makeup, a deep lipstick, something that mourns rage - a black girl tux, only a flowing short skirt and some mother fucking heels - a spotlight - silence except for a quiet backdrop of SONG FOR A FRIEND and sit back peeps - let me tell you how it went - And get your neck loose for this cause you will watch me pace and stretch on this one - so you have some work to do to hang on my every word and movement. Climb up over the top survey the state of your soul.... In the one woman shit show, I will probably go into a rapture during that section and the voice of Hester Prim will climb out her dungeon in my throat. Hmmmmmm, some of you are so lost - I apologize. The Jason Mraz faggot shirt as I sat on the dressing room floor of Belk. And now AMOS LEE, COLORS.... Oh my colors faded alright by day three - mayhem was setting in. The withdrawals were bad in the lonely kitchen, the door not pushed back against the wall letting in ALL the sunlight. Mmmmmm. Courage cowardly Lion, it takes the courage you already have. Mary posted on facebook, the youtube link and a comment "this is what I play every time she leaves" Oh and I forgot about this one, major cardiac imbalance on this one. DIXIE CHICKS Cowboy take me away.... I need a cigarette on this one - the banjo is unbearable. Driving down the road, my boot on the dash, the wind in my mane, two cigarettes burning and thumbs pounding the steering wheel, a perfect moment. Many of them. Like too many to have this bullshit go down. STUPID fucking bullshit with a mouth that just does not know when to QUIT. No, not one of them, but TWO. being out by the fire, my riding boots sinking in the damp earth where the garden will be erected in two weeks, the cool March mist in my hair, the heat from the fire on my tights, my thigh up and over the arm of the chair as I ran my fingers through salty pepper, the warm breath of relief moist on my poncho, my dress underneath, a face buried in my stomach, a hand holding a cigarette pushing my spine to a face, the face deeper and burrowing. Okay JOHN MAYER edge of desire, now....I want you so badly I'll go back on the things I believe. Jesus, I make epic CD's - really I do. And Ray again - Trouble. I've been saved by a woman, she won't let me go now now now. We know who it isn't.... At least that much we know. I have severe issues with stupid, like SEVERE. fucking passing up your chance is the stupidest of stupid, especially when it is the redemption chance. You chicken out of the redemptive perfection of getting it right this time, you really look do look crazy. I feel like saying too much, but it's my song. JASON MRAZ, BEAUTIFUL MESS. Insert the entire score to this song and lyrics for full effect - it's too big and vast and wide and open and throbbing to go into - me to you - fuck, me to me. I am doing this for me BTW, a prize fighters right hook to myself. ADRIAN. I have the eye of the tiger - it smells like compost. Oh dear cause here we are - here we are...... tore our dresses, stained our shirts. B2FLMS. This sucks. Totally and completely. my girl PINK AND CRYSTAL BALL is up. I just need a compass and a willing accomplice. A fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell, but I'm not scared, I'm not scared at all. Love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness. okay this one is getting me bad - I need to go away now. That trip into the frozen tundra campground still makes my hip hurts, I can feel the cold ground piercing through the marrow of my bones. All the breathing of babies cuddled into one warm spot. The wind whipping while I peed behind the tent just to warm my thighs for a second. A dance party by the constantly tended too camp fire. A cup of tea. JOHN LEGEND I WILL STAY WITH YOU. we'll be lovers for a lifetime. Through the end of all time I will stay with you. QUEEN MARY J.- MISSING YOU. Now this song actually belongs to someone else in truth. It is a recycled sentiment. He got a lot out of me too, branding in fact. But I digress - Mary J is just what my hips say on the subject of missing someone period. Body and soul is aching and I am out of control missing you so. Oh it's that way Mary, it's that way no doubt, put and AMEN on the end of it sister and you're feeling me. OH JESUS HERE IT IS HERE IT IS........OTIS REDDING THESE ARMS OF MINE. Okay on this one - It started in the kitchen and moved onto the deck in the mist which steadily turned to rain. Me in boxers and a sweatshirt in January slow dancing on the deck in a down pour. Kissing like nobody's business, swaying hips and hands, in hair, coarse pepper grinder and the seashore tangled in sunshine. And right into SADE BY YOUR SIDE. and this I cannot access for you or for me. I will just say this - for ten minutes or so, I felt a human being give into every bad thing that was choking the life out of them - a submit, a bath, a rebirth, handed up to the light. You think I'd leave your side baby, you know me better than that. TEARS. TEARS. You think I'd leave you when you're down on your knees, I wouldn't do that. my jaw hurts from gritting, my face from rubbing. When you get to stress on my current level, your face needs a deep tissue thrashing to feel alive. GAVIN DEGRAW WE BELONG TOGETHER. Wedded by the planet force. The hammer may strike be dead on the ground, the nail to my hand, the cross on this crown, but we're undone if we're undone..... These lyrics hurt. We have all been spoken for. The light of the moon, oooh the honor of a swear...... The kingdom of men is hollow within, without the care that it takes to make a perfect love the passion from the truth - a common comfort for a view. I cannot take these words...... Wishing mental telepathy was my strong suit right now. Having to stretch on this - but no door frame. And that is a whole other story that I am saving for the book. It was unique and perfect. Minus of course the fleeting moments. And appropriately we have made it to the final track, my personal anthem, THE DAVE MATTHEWS BAND #41. What I can tell you is this....If you have never seen me under the influence, free of the worlds judgment, in a trance like state while dancing to this song - you have most definitely missed the most momentous occasion of your era. Me and this song turn my body inside out, right out in the open with onlookers. It is the most glorious sight I just know it - I have never seen me, but I FEEEEEEEL me in this one - it was written for my dancers sensibility, my movements and the sounds are mere translations of the other - rare like oil, Leroi Moore's effect on me. Me and him, his saz - me and his sax have the same ribcage. God I miss him, Leroi Moore not he should not be named. He wouldn't get that reference FYI. Just sayin it out loud. I guess I finished off his first CD with ME. Seems about right on this glorious night. In the end there is always me. My name is Deb not Juliet. Deborah, to those who love me and are pissed at me OR desperate for me. I made it. I played the whole CD through and significantly improved in my strategy to just get it all the hell over with once and for all. This is the quick hit recovery plan. Do it do it again, do it some more, another empty canning jar gone from my window sill, clorox clean up - repeat. Get er' done as some may say. I think, having sailed over that bar, I think I want a cookie, a chocolate caramel sea salt cookie and thankfully....I have one stashed in my purse. My appetite has returned too, starving for eight weeks equals too skinny Deb and Deb is better with meat. COOKIE MONSTER "C stands for cookie, that's good enough for me" Not on the "first soundtrack" - but rather the one looping through my head currently. For those of you who have followed one word of this, I am super impressed. For those of you who followed along word for word, you are my hero's and for you who followed the shadow, humph it's a tough one isn't it???? Goodnight, not editing or spell checking, sorry - and God Bless. (that is for Nan) Deb

format and spacing and bears, oh my.

Good morning, Just to clarify. Those of you have been reading this blog since the beginning know that I get on here sometimes and have conversations with you - just simply begin with the thought at conception and then roll through the thoughts as they come. My mind is always running at top speed, I never really am NOT thinking. Last nights blog was very much this way.....I would like to say that I apologize for the format - not mine - but eblogger's. Since they updated their site I am no longer able to put space breaks in between my thoughts as I once have. I can do it here on my computer, hit enter three times after a closing thought to indicate to all of you that my mind is changing directions, subjects etc.... But it does not appear to show those breaks on the actual blog page. I glanced at last night's entry just now and it is just one massive run on of words. I apologize for that, for those of you who may not be completely oriented to the way I work, it is probably a little hard to discern where one thought ends and another begins. It really pisses me off that "updates" on these site's are beyond my control and choice - if they were I would have opted out of 'improvements' and stuck with the old school - old school, in my opinion is always the way to go - things change too rapidly in technology world for my liking. At any rate, that is all I really had to say - that, and I that I acknowledge there are some significant typo's too, but I had no patience for spell check and my eyes were too tired to re-read and edit my own words. Forgive me. I just got a call from my friend Sherri, a lovely way to start my day - she is getting me and Rach, herself, tickets to see David Gray in concert next month here at the Pavillion. I am beyond excited since my love affair with that David began over 12 years ago but, I have yet to gaze upon him in the flesh while my ears simultaneously orgasm. I am extremely happy and hoping her ticket venture is a success. In addition to that lovely news, tonight is my daughters swim banquet and this is exciting as she is receiving an award again this year and also will get her JSL ribbons, her achievements at that meet beyond my wildest expectations. I am excited for the banquet and party, although this event is always bittersweet as it is the last official time that the swim team family gathers until the conclusion of three long COLD seasons....I love my swim family, they are the best people and kiddos and I miss all those little brats in bathing suits smelling like salt and chlorine with deep embedded goggle circles around their permanent raccoon eyes. Sigh summer is done - school is in session and our banquet is the period after that sentence. But....it's all good - another year under the belt, a lot of changes in forward motion. For three years now Dan and I have been separated and oh no wait, reconciled, oh no wait separated again. Next swim season will actually be divorced - wow. Sam Cooke said a change is gonna come baby - they always do. All in all this summer sucked ass, next year will be better. Gotta go paint my toes and get pretty for work/banquet. Sorry about the stupid format, I am sure some of you got dizzy reading. Never my intention to make you spin with vertigo. Love for your day - from my heart.

what I do best.

Tonight as I was driving home from a great and productive day at work, I found myself smiling a perfect smile, one that spread across my face an overflowing stream of joy. I was listening to Dave and Tim live at Radio City Music hall, Dave was talking about a soldier that had been injured in Iraq and when he was greeted a homecoming - it came with a loss of his pension because of a pre-existing condition of depression. How the depression correlates to the bomb hitting your tank I wondered too..... It wasn't that made me smile. It was what he said next "you have to honor the people that give their lives so completely to the cause, because....they BELIEVE"....Then I thought about last week when I stood in my store, hands on my hips, eyes searching past the glass at nothingness, searching for some comfort out on the brick, on the wind, somewhere, anywhere. I said aloud to myself and I guess Rachel too, "I wonder where Dave is today?" Later that hopeless afternoon as I struggled not to pass out in the heat that bore down on my body that had not kept down actual food in days, I was accosted by a very aggressive, very large, very vibrant butterfly. It flew at me like a dive bomber trying to intimidate the enemy. It continued to swoop and attack, flying all about my hair as though it were the leaves on a butterfly bush. It flew at me like it was coming home and couldn't get through the front door fast enough - fast enough to stand still and see that smile.....It was unwilling to move on from me, it relentlessly expressed it's combative devotion. Finally I realized that my one true love was in the wings and mind of that butterfly, he was comforting me on the bricks where I knew it was waiting for me. I smiled to myself as much of a smile as I could force and it fluttered my hair again, approving of my acknowledgment. I moved on feeling as though the visit had made it's point. Yeah. But No. As I walked on, just ten feet before the door to the shop, I looked up and squinted into the sunspot that dazzled on my eyelashes like diamonds in candlelight - and I saw him there - his face, looking inquisitively as the woman with a fierce side bun, squinting directly into the black abyss of perfect, that was his pupils. There he was, My DAVE..... Now for those of you who know me, you know me seeing Dave is no big deal - I kissed him passionately once upon a Summer night, left with a self portrait that still hangs in my living room....It's not a big deal because Dave and I have danced this dance for years and Charlottesville in the Mountains is where he calls home. The fact that I happen to live in my musical hero's hometown really is not a coincidence. Hello. Dave Matthews called me here himself and I know it and so does everyone who knows me. I have that kind of life - the one where your hero actually rubs elbows with you, just because of proximity....At any rate, it IS a big deal that he came when I called.....He answered back when I asked - where are you today Dave??? He was with me and my butterfly. Where else would he be???? I know that those of you who have never gazed once upon my face in the flesh will not understand the beauty of my spirit - how it is raw purity and unassuming. when I say where else would he be, I mean that because raw souls know when another purist is in need and they always come - that is the reason for my car smile which I told you about way back at the beginning of this masterpiece. .. I smiled because I am one of the lucky ones who know what it is to call, and know just as likely what it is to receive, and the that exchange is perfection, because we live life wanting to understand and spread the good word.... After I arrived at Dan's to drop of Matt's math book which he left at my house, I had a moment that made me have to bend, head to knees and breathe straight up through my calf muscles, a backwards breath at best, and one I hoped somehow I could make fit purely out of need and desperation. As I pulled around the corner, I saw her there playing in the green grass - she lit up like a firefly at midnight during a lunar eclipse. Her smile spread exactly like mine does as I access real joy. Her eyes said "Momma" first, them her freckles, than her mouth, than her arms and her hands, fingers - "MOMMA" As she jogged along side the B2FLMS, her hair blew behind her and I saw her running alongside of a pick up truck, a devastatingly handsome young man smiling back through the open window, leaning into all her glory to get the full effect. I had a massive panic attack dead on the spot. I threw my purse down on Dan's table and found him out back sitting and looking at the sunset - I put on one of my finest monologues for him, taking him down the path of how fast it is going to happen, she either goes good OR goes bad. It can happen so easily with a beautiful girl with an attitude of an undefeated prize fighter....It's happening again, ahhhhhhhhh - SHIT - FUCK AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. My daughter takes me to a place of Momma Cub that I never dreamed possible and I fear for all three of us - her, him and ME. And if he is remotely unworthy, a hint of sour on a tiny edge and I will take her out of his landscape faster that I can say "Young Man you do not want take me on." mmmmmmmmmmmmm my daughter is not for less than anything/anyone. And then when I went down the path to a place where I KNEW that would not happen with me on the watch and I began to breathe normally enough to sing. I sat down and recorded a birthday greeting for my son Brian who turned 22 today. He is with his Dad camping in Maine, not with his Ma on Vaginal Exit Remembrance Day and I admit it - I am resentful....So I did what I do and I sang him his lullaby, the one I sang religiously, everyday of his childhood. Fly me to the Moon. I sang my heart out into my cell phone and sent it off to the child who defined my new beginning and saved my very life at the moment of his birth... God do I adore my children beyond anything that I can ever conceive of imagining in my wildest dreams. I love my children and they know it as sure as Emma knows there is always a snake in the wood pile. They know because I talk to them in brush strokes and music notes. After that bout of panic passed in music, I then sang Angel from Montgomery Deb style and sent it to my wife. Earlier in the day I had called her, received her voice mail in lieu of real Mary and so out of spite I just continued to speak to her as though she were talking back or at the very least mulling it over. I went on and on, acknowledging all the hate in my wife missing heart.... And then, I sang HoneyHoney "don't know how" with Emma on the harmonies..... And then I told Dan that for an almost 42 year old, I have really snapped into myself and age is absolutely more than a number, it's perfecting. I feel like if I made love to a man right now - I would ruin his life forever if he could not convince me to do it again. When a woman my age finds herself, it can be ugly for those who cannot get close enough. Sorry haters, it is so abundantly and miraculously TRUE. The fine grain of all my work, experience and growth make the smooth, unbelievably smooth. Any self doubt of any kind has washed clean off me in the chaos and I have emerged in rare form. 42 is going to be a stellar year as I close the cave door tight on all my mistakes and misunderstandings. I hopefully will get to have the conversation that will free me completely and bring closure to a chapter (best selling future book) that was written under the influence...... Of.......the most self destructive inability to wave the white flag and feel love. But.....I am not in the business of convincing, it seems, I am in the business of I told you so's. And the told you so means that I have to achieve, no choice in the mix. I must and will know, as I always do, the loss is not mine because I gain at a rate that is truly inconceivable to most minds. And deep breath and smile. Not really sure where I began with this - I know that my grace began at 6am as I woke to another perfect school morning, followed up by a yard guy I know creeping along the fence on my neighbor's property - followed my some Jackson 5 I wanna be where you are - followed up by a three page letter to my co-workers letting them all know the new and improved Deb is clocking back in - to a creative revamp whirlwind with my friend and co-worker Rachel where we rocked our classy Diva all over the boutique - to tuna salad with sea salt potato chips, a cold ass diet pepsi and some very wrong chocolate chip cookies in the perfect sunlight - to a visit from my friend and wise owl David (while he fanned himself southern Belles style) - to all of what I told you after - to a phone call from my heartbroken Cali girl Sara whose evil and good is exactly like mine ten years minor, the distance between means little to the 15 years we put in. To Now. Right this second. I am smiling again. It happens a lot. It is a good place to be in, my place. If you are welcome and a regular, you will feel a protection that you will never ever ever ever doubt. If I invest in you and you are a wanter of investment - you will surpass the doubters who will then doubt why they ever doubted or if in fact they did. If I love you, really love you, you know what that means and you know that even I don't have the words. Yesssssssssss Liz, I am in love with myself and in deeper than a few weeks ago - this romance is blooming like the sunflower in the yard. And that is good. Really really good, because I am really really lucky. Lucky to have earned all that I have by a shit ton of hard work and commitment. Half assed efforts get half ass results, period. This has been a big day, I have entered the ballroom and my dress is the unique one in the room. Life requires that you hurt to grow. I have hurt a lot my entire lifetime, but as of late a whole lot as I gaze upon the divorce file that sits alongside on my Grandfathers desk where i sit here typing. I said before in a blog - all the stuff before was muscle work for now. I hurt unbearably lately - have had to give up when I don't on two men. Endured finding that what is the other half, is sometimes still not enough. My light has flickered in the storm. sigh. But life requires that we hurt in order to grow - we learn to apply - we self preserve even when we don't want to. Humph - wow. And so anyways - yeah I sing. I sold all my clothes to get rid of your smell, I smashed all the clocks that had the right time to telllll me how longgg it has been since we parted ways - don't know how to leave you when I want to stay. So go go go go on without me now, lose me in the crowd. Oh I am so so so slow moving like the south, the words stuck in my mouth. And I sing it better than her if only you could catch me on a stool in front of a microphone, a cigarette burning in one hand and brown liquor in the other. And so I smile because that is what I do best, after I sing, after I grow,after I cry.

Mary says "Are you gonna stop now?"

Hey all ya'll. So I started a blog the other night, it is now sitting in my draft box, I abandoned it mid way due to some crisis that interrupted my solitude. I was cleaning my bathroom at the time I was struck with the passion to write. I was thinking about what literature/movies - stories in general - what kind of tales engage me and get me off. My favorite movie of all time is Sophie's Choice - my favorite book as we already know, the Giving Tree and... I would far prefer watch an episode of anything documentary style on PBS than any of the other trash that exists on the boob tube. I want to spend my time in expansion - whether it is a difficult emotion I am forced to feel (like when watching Hotel Rwanda) or gaining new knowledge on a subject I know nothing or very little about. I am all about the change - even when it comes to "entertainment" I am not mindless at any given moment of any given day. This thought....bled into others about my life - about PEOPLE who stimulate me verse those who simply make me want to blow my brains out in an effort to just make the pain stop. I have no patience with stupidity - at this point in my life I think it is a safe statement to say - "never have - NEVER WILL" To clarify so I don't piss anyone off (not that I really care) I don't mean unintelligent people necessarily - you can be brilliant and stupid as fuck all rolled into one confusing package. I mean STUPID people who could give a fuck about living their lives appropriately, engaged, motivated, working towards a higher level of humanity and emotional enlightenment. I want to get to the end of my life and see an epic trail blazed behind me - not the gerbil wheel of been nowhere and going nowhere fast and exhausted. To me, the only way that this kind of epic story is built is by truly pushing the boundaries of life and humanness and expanding at each turn, gaining experience, learning from it, taking those lessons into consideration before making the next step on the long and winding road of life. My big problem with the stupid people is that I want to enlighten them myself. I want to show them the complete and utter moronic way that they are wasting their lives, I want to school them like Kindergartners - help them progress - make them see and live up to their potential. And....admittedly I get ridiculously frustrated when the morons lie, point fingers, deny and most of all refuse to accept responsibility for their lives and blame everyone but themselves for their stupidity and the lame ass way they are living. I see a problem and a theme here.....I am now one of those stupid people (or have been) for giving a shit. I have been taking real stock of my life lately - I guess death threats will do that to a girl - make her really stop and take a look, inventory what she has got. I have a lot. More than most. I am hilarious. I am smart as FUCK. I am not so bad on the eyes. I am a woman, which out the gate puts me in the higher evolved category to begin with. I am motivated as all get out and a FORCE TO BE RECKONED with. I have morals and very rarely struggle with my own morality compass. I have friends, good real true friends by the gazillions. And I have the most amazing four children on the planet (I do want to strangle any one of them on any given day, but only figuratively.) I have a job I love and have loved for fifteen years and I am kicking ass and taking names in college even with other commitments that make 20 year old college students look like they are on vacation. I am solid..... I have to stop wasting my time on the stupid and ONLY, from this point forward focus on me and my kids, my job, my education, my awesome pals, MY BOOKS.... I simply have no time to waste on anymore bullshit with anymore bullshitters even if I do SEE astounding potential. Fuck their potential, I think my energy is better spent on my own, which in turn benefits my babes and everyone else who is invested in my epic story. It is epic - has been and will be. But...I want it to end well. I want to get to the final chapter/scene and I want it to be a fitting conclusion. I love Sophie and I get why she committed suicide next to her bi-polar abusive lover. I get it. I feel it. But.....I don't want to be her. Yesterday on the phone Mary was talking to me all matriarchal like, running her gums as though she is the stable one and I am the loose cannon trying to change the world while she watches on shaking her head in disbelief and admiration. I started laughing may ass off and kept interrupting her as she was trying to get me to admit some fault about something I wanted no part in admitting. I said "I can see us now, you in your wheel chair, black hair in a tight bun, a high neck collar with a cameo, all back straight and curt. Lecturing me in that Mother voice. Then I pictured myself. Hair all crazy, one slipper on, one slipper off, sparkly nail polish on my elderly twisted toes, half assed in my wheel chair throwing punches at an orderly and calling someone a moronic asshole while simultaneously flirting with someones grandson still believing that I got even when I don't. I WANT THAT SO BADLY. I want a zillion grandchildren and a billion great grandchildren. I want to watch my kids work through the struggles of their own lives successfully and go on to make me proud of their own personal evolutions. I want to be here and be ENGAGED in my own life - I no longer want to give a shit about people who don't get it all - see it all - want it all. FUCK THEM. They are a waste of my time. I have it all right here in my home - DOROTHY..... I don't NEED for anyone else to get that as long as I do. And I do. I sent my boss an email yesterday letting her know that I work to like a third of my potential and that this is not acceptable - I want those around me to make me strive to do my best for me and for noone else at this point. HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE FOR MY LIFE. The chosen ones who are already in my circle will always get the "hand up" from me, I will always invest in them - BUT.....I will no longer waste my time on people who would rather waste their lives in denial, because that my friends, is a waste of my personal potential and I have so much to do before the fun begins at the nursing home. I cannot wait to really have NO FILTER and scream at the top of my lungs about how stupid everyone else really is. I will let all the dumbasses believe it is the Alzheimers but the smart people will know I have reached the point where I literally have nothing to lose and just plainly don't give a Motherfucking fuck.

Double Stuff

It's been a while I know....Laying low, trying to get back to a normal life less a very specific brand of crazy. I feel better every day, every hour that passes in silence, I feel like I can finally hear myself again in the days of quiet. What I hear today is a lot of sneezing (Emma gave me her cold) and the voice in my head railing against double standards.....Nothing pisses me off more than double standards. I love how men can do whatever the fuck they want, cheat, lie, threaten, intimidate, insult, bully etc. etc. BUT when a woman fights against those things as hard core as she is assaulted with them, she is deemed CRAZY. Well, only the people who commit the list call the names, but still DAMN....I can't stand the dish without the take. It really pisses me off. If I am threatened to be hurt, done bodily harm, killed even - in a country where I pay my taxes and should be free to enjoy the Liberty that my Grandfather fought for, enjoy my God given right to live - well I will be damned to not fight back and say NO it is not okay for me to be bullied. Not me or any other woman for that matter - what kind of example would I set for my daughter sitting idle while her potential is being threatened. Um no - I am a woman, a human being, an American citizen and a democrat to boot. Do not threaten my liberties and...go ahead call me crazy if you will...I really do not care one bit. You got a problem with my standards??? - you definitely commit the offenses of the list above. (cheat lie threaten intimidate insult bully etc. etc.) F that. Today my dearest friend Rachel said she had a message for me - the message had to do with not sabotaging my own voice and being a mouth piece for God. I love Rachel - love that she referred to me as a "mouth piece" - hilarious. I get her drift though - brought my "message" which came in the form of a fax while at work, HOME with me to add it to my fortune collection. I collect fortune cookie fortunes, keep them in a crystal box for safe cataloging. I have has some seriously bad ass fortunes lately. I have been craving lo mein noodles a lot, sue me. THE TIME IS AT HAND was how my Rachel message/fortune ended. I think she may be exactly right.....Gotta take care of this mouth piece, it has important shit to say. On a not a double standard or fortune note - I would like to say that watching my daughter swim in JSL's last Friday was one of the most amazing experiences to date. Her tenacity is just awe inspiring, she is a fighter and a competitor a true sportswoman, simply put - my pride and joy. Watching her fight her way down the lane is just the most awesome feeling ever. It's my accomplishment cause she is my baby girl and yet it is all on her - all her doing and she owns herself in those moments so well that it is hard not to explode with pride watching my baby become her very own hard core girl. She is something else my girl - so proud of her, her efforts, her accomplishments, her attitude - so very proud. I am also proud as heck to be part of the swim team family. Our little team family is something else - my daughters coaches the BEST bunch of kids walking the planet. They are the most devoted, genuine, loving, inspiring group of teenagers I have ever had the pleasure of knowing - I feel so lucky for Emma to have their influence and support, their mentoring but also grateful as heck to be loved by them myself and to love them all individually as well. Swim meets are family time :) And with that I guess I have no more to say for tonight, the glare from the computer screen is giving me a major headache. I am praying for the peace to continue, and that it will settle down on fighting hearts and there will be surrender. Kids need peace, adults need peace, it's the only healthy way. I also really want some chili chocolate or peanut m&m's.... I black out the windows and he bolts up the doors, I'm wound up with thinkin' and he sleeps on the floor, he kisses like a masochist and I'm better off alone, real love is harder than I ever could have known - honeyhoney