Hate on the Brain.

Good quiet morning!!! My exhausted fish children are sleeping like logs, literally....I could log roll on them right now and neither one would rouse. What that means for me is quiet....AHHHHHH
I thought about sleeping in when my phone rang this morning with my early morning wifely call, but I answered and bolted up right, got my coffee on and thought why not seize the silence.
last nights game was insane, no???
Wow B's way to get your game on....Let's do that again Wednesday night please...
So there are two subjects nagging at me.
One is low self esteem in women and two is slavery and what human beings are capable of....Yesterday I worked at the boutique trying all damn dayyyy long to boost the confidence of women who were ragging on themselves un-relentingly and then off to school to discuss slave narratives...
Man that material makes my stomach turn and churn with discomfort and shame.
I have no bad white race feelings, I know that I personally am not to blame for what went on back in the 1800's - I wasn't there in Africa kidnapping, pillaging, raping and enslaving innocent people, nor was I a "Massa" or a "Missus" nor would I have been had I lived then. I would have been a freedom fighter no doubt - blood is blood, flesh is flesh, eyes are eyes regardless of any other factors - I would not have lashed anyone til their skin split open regardless of the color. I am not made that way - Thank you Jesus (or Allah or God or Buddha whatevs)
I am grateful that I get literally nauseous when I read about that time in American history - I feel an unparalleled sorrow for what occurred.
I read one slave narrative in particular that hit home to me due to it's lack of graphic details - the voice used was so removed from the violence and concentrated more on the psychological damage that surely was more of a lashing than any physical beating ever could have been.
This one story was about a young girl of sixteen who was owned by a prominent Doctor in her community. She had it relatively easy compared to those who lived plantation life, she was treated "decently" and was not physically beaten - she was however sexually abused by her "Massa" who raped her all through her teenage years and had a sick controlling obsession that went beyond normal slave/master relationships - he pursued her with a zest that was just creepy - obsession really, made my skin crawl.
Although she discussed other slave experiences and represented them as far worse than her own, she described a punishment that the "Massa's" wife would inflict on the young women who her husband bedded.
Can you imagine being "owned" like cattle, raped, shamed for it and then blamed by the woman of the house for her husbands pigish behavior? TALK ABOUT DE-HUMANIZING.
She described a new Mother (no more than 15) giving birth to a light skinned baby (clearly her Master's) delivering the child under the watch of the wife, who full of contempt and hatred, terribly verbally abused this girl while in the midst of body splitting in two type pain. When the baby came out and was fair, the new Mother was spit on and not allowed to hold her baby, because - the baby is property by birth to the Doctor and his wife OMG....The worst punishment would come randomly when every once in a while, the Missus would come and take the baby just far enough away that the Mother could hear it cry desperately for feeding BUT not be able to touch the baby for 24 hours or more at a time. WTF is that shit???? Psychological damage at it's worst.
Grrrr and why??? WHY WHY WHY?
What the hell makes people do these things to other living, breathing human beings? Where is conscience and compassion? And these were God fearing Christians? OH MY...
Makes me think of all the persecution before and after, The American Indians - The Nazi German's - what's going on in Libya.
SIGH - c'mon humanity learn the lesson so we can stop repeating already.
Deep breath and let's move on before i rant anymore....
Ladies why do you hate yourselves so????
Why do we do the things we do to ourselves and hate so much on what we are?
FYI - men don't give a rats ass what we look like and if they do, they are not worth the time it takes to impress one. Girls we are more than our looks and bodies, pleasssseeeee stop seeing yourself as more than a size six and feeling self hatred because of it. Size only matters when it is bad for your health....Other than that who gives a flying fuck.
I was so depressed yesterday after having customer after customer stand in front of the mirrors in the boutique and rip themselves to shreds....I was like "OMG stop that - you are beautiful"
The lack of confidence hurt my heart to its core. Now I will not deny that I am a diva. Okay I am a Diva - BUT I am a DIVA for me and me only. As we have previosly established I am a girlie girl and love every damn thing about femininity (except for bikini waxing)
I do what I do for ME. Not for any man (psh puhlease) or to be better than any other woman. I want all women to feel like the glorious Goddesses that they are.
We are the Mothers of the Earth girls - our power and beauty is unparalleled.
We rip each other apart too much rather than lift one another up - problemo girls, real problem. Our society pits us against each other like rabid dogs competing for a scrap of meat.
Don't do it - feel good about you and tell every woman you know that she is gorgeous, because she undoubtedly is.
One woman said to me yesterday "Well that is easy for you to say" Okay fine...
She has a point. I am not ugly. Fine. BUTTTTTT, I have felt ugly and bad about myself, battled my self esteem my whole damn life.
What I see now in the mirror that I will agree is beautiful is my self confidence and self embracing.... I AM ME. I have 15 extra pounds according to my doctor, I have stretch marks and my boobs have gone south after breast feeding my four babies. I am no super model but I don't give a SHIT. I have a heart of gold, a love inside that I share with everyone and genuine goodness that has nothing to do with my looks. My most valuable asset as I have been told my whole life is my full voluptuous lips - OKAY fine BUT to me they are an asset because they are the doors to my killer smile that is all about compassion. My smile is all that matters because it conveys my spirit.
I want women to stop hating themselves. I want young girls like my daughter to know that what gives them power is WHO they are not how they LOOK....
Do you hear me sisters? Please say you do....I had so much self deprecating going on around me yesterday that I wanted to stand on a table in the center of the downtown mall and give a motivational self love speech to stop the madness....
If only my power were that powerful.
So there it is my verbal vomit for this quiet morning.
Please don't hurt your fellow human and that really begins by not hurting yourself as I have learned over my long and painful but beautiful life.
Go today and revel in all the beauty that you are.
XO