Mary says "Are you gonna stop now?"

Hey all ya'll. So I started a blog the other night, it is now sitting in my draft box, I abandoned it mid way due to some crisis that interrupted my solitude. I was cleaning my bathroom at the time I was struck with the passion to write. I was thinking about what literature/movies - stories in general - what kind of tales engage me and get me off. My favorite movie of all time is Sophie's Choice - my favorite book as we already know, the Giving Tree and... I would far prefer watch an episode of anything documentary style on PBS than any of the other trash that exists on the boob tube. I want to spend my time in expansion - whether it is a difficult emotion I am forced to feel (like when watching Hotel Rwanda) or gaining new knowledge on a subject I know nothing or very little about. I am all about the change - even when it comes to "entertainment" I am not mindless at any given moment of any given day. This thought....bled into others about my life - about PEOPLE who stimulate me verse those who simply make me want to blow my brains out in an effort to just make the pain stop. I have no patience with stupidity - at this point in my life I think it is a safe statement to say - "never have - NEVER WILL" To clarify so I don't piss anyone off (not that I really care) I don't mean unintelligent people necessarily - you can be brilliant and stupid as fuck all rolled into one confusing package. I mean STUPID people who could give a fuck about living their lives appropriately, engaged, motivated, working towards a higher level of humanity and emotional enlightenment. I want to get to the end of my life and see an epic trail blazed behind me - not the gerbil wheel of been nowhere and going nowhere fast and exhausted. To me, the only way that this kind of epic story is built is by truly pushing the boundaries of life and humanness and expanding at each turn, gaining experience, learning from it, taking those lessons into consideration before making the next step on the long and winding road of life. My big problem with the stupid people is that I want to enlighten them myself. I want to show them the complete and utter moronic way that they are wasting their lives, I want to school them like Kindergartners - help them progress - make them see and live up to their potential. And....admittedly I get ridiculously frustrated when the morons lie, point fingers, deny and most of all refuse to accept responsibility for their lives and blame everyone but themselves for their stupidity and the lame ass way they are living. I see a problem and a theme here.....I am now one of those stupid people (or have been) for giving a shit. I have been taking real stock of my life lately - I guess death threats will do that to a girl - make her really stop and take a look, inventory what she has got. I have a lot. More than most. I am hilarious. I am smart as FUCK. I am not so bad on the eyes. I am a woman, which out the gate puts me in the higher evolved category to begin with. I am motivated as all get out and a FORCE TO BE RECKONED with. I have morals and very rarely struggle with my own morality compass. I have friends, good real true friends by the gazillions. And I have the most amazing four children on the planet (I do want to strangle any one of them on any given day, but only figuratively.) I have a job I love and have loved for fifteen years and I am kicking ass and taking names in college even with other commitments that make 20 year old college students look like they are on vacation. I am solid..... I have to stop wasting my time on the stupid and ONLY, from this point forward focus on me and my kids, my job, my education, my awesome pals, MY BOOKS.... I simply have no time to waste on anymore bullshit with anymore bullshitters even if I do SEE astounding potential. Fuck their potential, I think my energy is better spent on my own, which in turn benefits my babes and everyone else who is invested in my epic story. It is epic - has been and will be. But...I want it to end well. I want to get to the final chapter/scene and I want it to be a fitting conclusion. I love Sophie and I get why she committed suicide next to her bi-polar abusive lover. I get it. I feel it. But.....I don't want to be her. Yesterday on the phone Mary was talking to me all matriarchal like, running her gums as though she is the stable one and I am the loose cannon trying to change the world while she watches on shaking her head in disbelief and admiration. I started laughing may ass off and kept interrupting her as she was trying to get me to admit some fault about something I wanted no part in admitting. I said "I can see us now, you in your wheel chair, black hair in a tight bun, a high neck collar with a cameo, all back straight and curt. Lecturing me in that Mother voice. Then I pictured myself. Hair all crazy, one slipper on, one slipper off, sparkly nail polish on my elderly twisted toes, half assed in my wheel chair throwing punches at an orderly and calling someone a moronic asshole while simultaneously flirting with someones grandson still believing that I got even when I don't. I WANT THAT SO BADLY. I want a zillion grandchildren and a billion great grandchildren. I want to watch my kids work through the struggles of their own lives successfully and go on to make me proud of their own personal evolutions. I want to be here and be ENGAGED in my own life - I no longer want to give a shit about people who don't get it all - see it all - want it all. FUCK THEM. They are a waste of my time. I have it all right here in my home - DOROTHY..... I don't NEED for anyone else to get that as long as I do. And I do. I sent my boss an email yesterday letting her know that I work to like a third of my potential and that this is not acceptable - I want those around me to make me strive to do my best for me and for noone else at this point. HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE FOR MY LIFE. The chosen ones who are already in my circle will always get the "hand up" from me, I will always invest in them - BUT.....I will no longer waste my time on people who would rather waste their lives in denial, because that my friends, is a waste of my personal potential and I have so much to do before the fun begins at the nursing home. I cannot wait to really have NO FILTER and scream at the top of my lungs about how stupid everyone else really is. I will let all the dumbasses believe it is the Alzheimers but the smart people will know I have reached the point where I literally have nothing to lose and just plainly don't give a Motherfucking fuck.