Day One OPR

Good Tuesday Morning, sigh.....I am up and at it today. Waiting for my pin curls to dry and then I am off. Does everyone know what pin curls are? Curls you wind around your finger and then secure with a bobby pin - I am channeling my inner starlet lately, feeling a little classic and old school, wanting to do vintage glamor, let the buxom blonde have her way for a change. I am not sure why, I just go through phases of fashion - I am wanting my hair to grow about 4 inches so I can twist it up in a million different styles (and so I can feel like a lion too), wanting to integrate MARY JANE pumps into every out fit and want giant pearl stud earrings. Go figure. At any rate, I am allowing me, whatever me, feels is right. I have snapped into Operation Phoenix Rising Mode and that is a mode that just happens naturally. What is OPR you ask? Well it is the phase of my life where the Phoenix I have been working on for the last four years or so, finally gets her wings and takes off with a roar and profound wing whoosh. In other words I am done with bullshit and bullshitters and I am not letting anything negative get in my way any more - not one second more.... After letting go of a toxic man and situation last week, I gave a lot of moments up to thinking on my pattern of being drawn to toxic, wanting to help toxic. I can't do it anymore. I spent 18 years doing it with Dan, 6 years doing it with Jimmy - At 18 I was toxic myself - after a difficult adolescence and the sudden death of my best friend, I was pretty much shattered and empty - I think previously I have represented it in this blog as basically being 'walking dead' - I began my adult life as a corpse - go figure that as I proceeded, I was only drawn to the same flavor in other people.... That phase of my life has ended. I simply have no respect for taking anything for granted. Grandstanding is a cover for real life and I am done listening to it in others and doing it myself....This brings me to OPR....Yesterday was day one of my new life. I began by NOT smoking a cigarette all day :) I am so done with that shit, I want my athlete/dancer back. I went to counseling yesterday with Dan, my soon to be EX husband....After all these years of begging him to get the help, all it took was serving him divorce papers? Well, we have a lot of work to do to learn to co-parent effectively, all the issues that prevented us from working together as a couple, exist in our roles as parents. Interesting to go to counseling while getting a divorce. I think it feels pretty perfect and right on time. I am in it for my kids....My kids who I worship, my kids who need the kick ass Mom that I am, to not go into self destructive mode because of any more empty men - I need to stay focused on my babies and me - that is all I need in my life - all that is important - I am back to rocking the home front, now that the Bob issue has finally been put to rest. Everything I was invested in became compromised because of that lifestyle - one that is not and will never be mine. I expect more from myself and the people I surround myself with - my kids must have been like "what the hell has happened to MOM?" - I know a lot of my friends were wondering where the hell I disappeared too and were monumentally confused as to WHY??? In my defense guys and babes - it was my last step backwards. I had to do it I guess, see if the Johnny and June was really my destiny. Guess what? It isn't - Johnny was far more real and devoted to goodness and June, well she knew it - my Johnny is all about himself - I always said that we were exactly alike, tough as goddamn nails, wreck less to a disastrous fault - you want to hit my jaw??? "well here it is, it the lighting good, can you see my bones?" Difference is, I am real badass who does what real badasses do - which is the right thing followed up with "Now, that is how it's done." NOT complete and utter self destruction and destruction of everything good followed up with claims of 'they don't make em like me anymore' - Um yeah they do - it's called the Jim Jones of humanity. I did it and learned and now I move forward. Yesterday in addition to the no cigarettes, the divorce/parent counseling, I went and got all my needed supplies for the book - Ha I am writing the fuck out of PROOF and wait until it gets published - you bloggers are gonna go - wow who knew she could do all that? Big difference in me running my mouth and me writing a novel. I actually did an outline the other night on my business dinner with myself. I was so official and Brian, who was cooking in the kitchen, came out on the floor to see how my dinner was - he found me working and was so happy that he kissed me on the top of my head and said "I love you MA" Thanks baby boy - good to know my kids love me, need me and are proud of me. That is all I need to be happy - that and doing MY PERSONAL BEST in EVERYTHING I DO. And with that I gotta run - I have to pack up my food for work - also on a budget an not spending money on anything but necessities anymore - I have a loan to pay off and a future to think of. This girl has got it going on - so much so, there is no longer a concept of backwards in my mind. All I see, is future happiness. Watch me Now, I am a Phoenix rising, it's pretty. Happy Tuesday - gonna rock day two. XO