Not suitable for children or assholes.

This one is going to be kinda raw - if you are not into raw, do not read.
A few days a month I get lonely for the companionship of another human being.
On these days I tend to feel a bit sorry for myself, get hopeless and wonder will I ever know the love of a man again - hell, will I ever have intimacy again?
Sometimes I even cry - usually in my car with the stereo blaring some unrequited love song that does little to drown out my bawling but rather causes me to wail louder.
It's stupid, I know it's stupid.
For two years I was separated from my husband with a purposeful intention to NOT get involved in any SERIOUS relationships. I dabbled a little with flirtation and toyed with possibilities that never really amounted to anything other than steamy fantasies.
I needed to be alone - needed to stand on my own two feet, get to know myself so that I could carve a proper path...
I know so many women who go from man to man, husband to husband and NEVER find themselves.
I KNOW I had to do this solitary time and I actually loved it, I mean really grew to love it and in turn, love me.
Don't get me wrong - it was hard, really hard and in the beginning, Jesus, I almost didn't make it through - it was touch and go there for a bit, some nights when the kids were away with Dan, the silence almost killed me.
But, I went to school, began to write all the shit out of my system and eventually cherished the silence, longed for my two hour steaming baths with the candles, incense and my music - longed for no one to make a single demand or request of my time.
Over time, I even grew to forget about sex.
Well sort of - you single girls know what that looks like....
I just managed to deal and find my fulfillment elsewhere.
It was good for me.
That whole 'no sex is good for me thing' is beginning to wear off now.
Mind you Dan and I did move back in together a year ago, but nothing changed in our relationship - I changed, but he had not and therefore we did not. Takes two.
And so, for the last year I have been sharing a house with a man but not a life.
It's super lame and super frustrating.
And like I said, the whole no sex thing is really starting to wear on me.
What is so different now, is that although I can live my life with myself and cope,
I have become someone who has so much to give.
Growing into myself over the last few years has really changed the way I perceive relationships, the things I hope to gain and hope to give to another human being.
And....Lately I feel SO SO SO SO ME.
I feel like I am the me that I should be, the way I feel, the way I look, all of it.
Even the imperfections feel completely perfect, I feel like I am finally myself.
Now that I feel this, I kinda long to share it with someone that is in the same place with themselves, someone that can appreciate what it is to truly be happy with yourself.
As a woman this whole forties thing is pretty banging.
I will admit that when I was twenty, shit was way more taut and way more perky, but when I was twenty, even thirty with as much of a kitten as I was,
I was not comfortable in my own skin - so the taut was wasted.
What I have going on now - is brick house worthy - the inside and the outside are mighty mighty.
It seems a shame to feel this way, to be this way and be celibate.
Jesus Help me.
Am I wrong?
I just think that when you are un-healthy, intimacy cannot possibly reach it's potential....How can it?
Now that I am healthy and happy and self satisfied, what would it be like to make love to a man that is in the same place?
Yowza right?
So...I am lonely a little bit.
Still okay by myself and still prepared to do the long haul of my life alone rather than compromise what is right and good for me,
but a tad lonely.
I wonder sometimes, is there a man out there that can handle me? I am a lot to handle.
I know I am a big personality, and now one with even less tolerance for asshole behavior, sigh.
There may not be the man....
There are people who have told me to just get laid - and duh I could totally do that - I have offers all the time - but what good would that do ?(and please chime in if you can plead a convincing case that it would),
I feel that would just rob the worthy man of getting his just due, cause if he ever shows up, he's getting a goddess with absolutely no hang ups.
I know this is the right thing but still, it's hard some days.
Guess it's a good thing I am the strongest woman I know...
I am listening to Ben Harper 'Two hands of a prayer' right now - the line 'she softly kissed my mind, my mind and whispered, what will we do with time, do with time?' - I'm holding out for that kind of sex.
Yup.