unexpected visitors - McCarty and King

Years ago while in college, I took and ethics class with a professor who I immediately fell in love with. She was an older sturdy woman who looked like she could kick my ass if needed and made clear with the softness in her eyes, that this need would only ever arise, if I did not rise to the occasion of my own potential in her class. I told her upon first meeting that I was afraid I wasn't fit for college, that I had a major failure complex and that I was a Mother. She assured me that I would succeed and meet that success with flying colors because it took a special kind of openness to wear my hearts truth on my sleeve so visibly and with such rawness. I believed that I would make it through her class because she told me that I would. Of course, I did and earned myself an A for her class and, all the others. My professor was the kind of woman that I respected. She detested ignorance of any kind and found it plain and simply put, intolerable. Ignorance is what leads to the demise of everything good and just and true and fair. Before this Ethics class, I had already claimed the same belief set as my professor did, claimed that I was so powerfully intolerant of ignorance too, felt superior somehow in my stance, as though I knew all there was to know. I learned very quickly that I was wrong when I was given an assignment on Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. I had always been a huge fan of his, had always loved his words and wisdom, found his courage remarkable in the deepest meaning of that word. Then I read more and more and more. I had an insatiable hunger for his writings, the ones lesser known and not, generally speaking taught in school. What I loved so much about him was the absence of any anger. He had so much to be angry about, it would have been completely justifiable for him to have exhibited a more Malcolm X type attitude (also a brilliant man and completely self taught)but he didn't - not for a second it seemed. In every word I have ever read of his (and it's a lot) there is not even a hint or hue of anger. I know that he studied Eastern religions and looked to the most revered spiritual leaders for guidance in how to promote non-violence action when it was common place at the time to be sprayed by a water hose in a street or have a cross burned on your yard. Whatever words of wisdom he received were the words that he required, because his writing is the most peaceful and intelligent that I have ever read. His words leave me, as they always do whenever I open his collection, with a yearning to be just like him. I want to learn to meet ignorance with love. I want it so badly that it plagues my mind sometimes, that no matter how hard I try, I still get so angry so quickly. I am a highly emotional human being, I am super sensitive and have always described the sensation of my experience of this life, like living without skin - everything gets in me. Today as I was doing my dishes and preparing to start a load of laundry, clean the bathrooms and tackle the other household chores that are reserved for Monday mornings post kids on the bus, I heard a news report detailing the horrific shootings in our Nations Capital. I was torn in two by my need to know and the equally strong desire to look away as fast as I could - the no skin thing makes these reports a little tough to absorb. I don't know too many details as I worked hard to access the level of threat and then disengage from the horror before it ruined my entire day. I know that 13 people died and that it was possible the numbers would increase. I heard both my professor and Dr. King in my head as thoughts of anger began to form in the recesses of my mind as I clenched my jaw tight, grinding my teeth the way I do when something awful is just too awful and I begin to react. I thought about wearing my truth on my sleeve so raw and Dr.King's grace under violence. I thought about what I want to teach my children by way of the sleeve.....I thought about words of anger, tones of anger, voice inflection of anger and that all those things are both detectable and note able when it comes to my children. I thought about the shooter and wondered if his Mother also wore her raw emotions on her sleeve? Is there any correlation between me and him, he who takes life so freely and me who hates the ignorance that drives anyone to commit such a heinous act? Hate and anger are correlative factors for us both. I crushed my anger immediately remembering that I want to be driven by the good doctor and not by the shooter and that my sweet professor Marietta saw in me a woman full of potential and expects me to show up in colors that have wings. Anger is almost a useless emotion because most of what it inspires is a waste of positive energy. I am so sorry that more people died in this country today, to yet another incident of gun violence - It's far too common place like lots of things rooted in ignorance, it saddens me - all the issues that are pervading our society and stealing lives. I wish I could fix it all. I wish everyone could find a way to live in peace. It is not very likely.....As I went about my day and took the dreaded trip to the grocery store, I encountered a school bus in oncoming traffic, its red lights flashing. I rolled to a slow stop and sat with a smile, one that I felt take over my whole face. Kids are so wonderful to watch as they go about their kid business. Getting off the school bus is such a grand occasion and met with such eagerness. The group of squirts were mostly little, could not have been one child over the age of 8, they were all so tiny next to that big bus and squirmy - my Nana would have said "those kids have ants in their pants" - none of the kids I watched today were mine and yet the joy I felt was as if they were. There was so much promise crossing the street before me and I became overwhelmed by it, I began to cry. Maybe before me in the road was the next great activist for human rights and equality, maybe a philosophy professor, maybe a Mother like me, maybe all of those things and more. I continued to watch the children while I both smiled and cried and I said a quiet prayer. I thanked God for Dr. King and I thanked God for Professor McCarty, I thanked God for the desire in me to not give any of my positive energy to ignorance and the anger it so rightfully can inspire - I thanked God for the promise inside of me to do better and lastly for my children, those cute little itchy britches babies in the road. It is so hard not to be consumed by anger in a world that is full of such damning ignorance - It is really really really hard, but....I put it to you this way, anytime in anger is simply being ignorant to love. I am so grateful for the people in my life who have had such an impact on my thinking....I pray for the victims of today's massacre and their families, that they may experience some comfort and peace.