right on time.

Okay, I admit it....Today, at the start of day four - I am feeling a little edgy, like a cigarette may in fact solve every problem I have, maybe even world hunger, a marlboro menthol light may just be the key to world peace..... Just now I coughed and it was gross - precisely why I will not smoke one, even though it could temporarily solve everyyyyythning. I can breathe better already and am clearing my throat less, even have hope that I will be able to hit Adele's high notes at Karaoke Saturday night. I am so excited for that - I love to sing :) At any rate, I feel edgy, but okay - strong despite the weakness I am wanting to crumble to so badly. I was talking to Becca yesterday and she confirmed what I already knew - when I say I am done, I am done and I just go to it cold turkey - although a lot of people have suggested nicotine replacements, like the patch or gum, I am kind of an all or nothing girl. I have to just DO. Yesterday - I did a lot. I worked on the book all day long while the kids were at school. Man that is such a process, I forgot how draining devoting an entire day to words can be. It was something else. I put together a big binder full of materials, letter pictures - things that were left behind - I have a lot of stuff to look at should I need inspiration. Which I won't - this story is desperate to get out of me and on to paper. I cannot wait for a month to go by to see what I have accumulated in paper and page numbers. I cannot wait for my court date to come with Dan, the leaves to change to my favorite colors, the air to turn cool and crisp and for the binder to be full of red lined pages. I have so so so much to do and accomplish. Last night after dinner, I was going through the pile of mail on the table and came across a slip of notebook paper in my handwriting. It was a list of things that Emma wanted me to work on changing.... We had talked about her experience about a month ago as I felt my life slipping away from me and was afraid my daughter did too.... I am proud to say that I have fine tuned almost everything on her list :) I have no talked on the phone beyond 5 o'clock to anyone for any reason. I have quit smoking (this really bothered her) We are going for daily walks together at which point she has the power to discuss with me ANYTHING that she has on her mind. And, we are reading every night before bed. I have done good at regaining myself in a very short amount of time. Last night she asked me, "Mom, how long do you think your heart will hurt about Bob?" The question caught me off guard completely and I looked blankly into her blue eyes and freckles trying to find the words. She found them for me - she said "Probably forever right, you and Bob laughed a lot and you love his kids too." Um yeah - she is a smart, smart girl. I took a deep breath and tried to respond in a way that comforted her out of having to comfort me. I told her that love is a complicated thing. That sometimes love just isn't enough to keep people together - that the world provides other factors and complications.... If love were enough - than our own family wouldn't be as broken as it feels. I then went on to TRY to explain that the most important love - the love that ALWAYS IS ENOUGH is SELF LOVE. That if you love yourself enough, expect respect and nothing less from those around you than what you deserve, always do your best for YOU - when other people and other 'loves' fail you - you may cry a little, hurt a bit, miss them even BUT have the capacity to just keep moving right along on the positive path you have carved out for yourself. I think she got it - she hugged me and said "well anyone who doesn't love you enough is just dumb cause you're beautiful" She only says that cause she looks just like me - conceited little brat :) Nah she's pretty perfect and a healer like her Momma, always trying to soothe hurts and right wrongs. Gotta make sure she doesn't devote her life to it though like I did - or at least if she does, make it professional and not personal..... Life is complicated. Mine has always been from day one. I think maybe it is just my destiny to keep learning, keep growing and evolving. This year has been a huge one. I miss my Nana. See, I type the words and my eyes fill with tears so quickly I can't see through the salty haze. I lost my Nan, I wore a cap and gown, I filed for divorce and after 18 years with the same man - I tried another. Big year. Big big big year. Oh and I quit smoking(again) Dave and the boys put a new album out in twelve days. On September 11th - last year I wrote my 911 blog - man time just rolls on by. I cannot wait for this album and I love it's release date. I have a feeling that me and the crisp Autumn air - the leaves dying in fits of orange rage / the season of death and quiet before the rebirth will do nicely with some new DAVE MATTHEWS BAND to mark the new beginning I will not divert from. How much you wanna bet the album is full of songs questioning humanity and where we go from here??? I know it will be right in line with my life cause it always is..... That's why they are who they are to me. The 41st year has been all about me wanting to stay in what I know, but finding my own way out.... FINALLY JESUSSSSSS. I am okay and my kids are too - whatever is broken, we will mend and go on. It's a good feeling, being strong and devoted to the cause. Speaking of that - I gotta get ready for work - my boss actually LOVED what I did to the boutique and gave me permission to keep going and re-do the entire back of the store. I'll be late if I don't go get ready and that would not be giving my work life the best me I can give. tisk tisk. So I am off. I hope you all have a blessed day full of love and sunshine. Oh and pray for the people battling these hurricanes - God Help them :(