the first CD

Oh my am I a brave girl tonight. I finally have worked up the gumption to play Ray Lamontagne.... DEEEEEEEEP BREAAAAATH. He is singing beside me as I type - I am unsure as I hit that key of exactly what I have just said. My brain is on emotion overload. Ooooooohhhhhhh my. MMMMMMmmmmmmmm. WOW. Okay....okay. I am pushing myself into places that I do not want to go, in a boldest of bold moves, to effectively just leave it all behind. This is the Ray Lamontagne phase - There is a lot of familiar forgetting that must occur here. He is such a bad ass, Ray.....I mean. I heard him and went in pursuit of him, then....spread him like the plague. TROUBLE was Emma Claire's lullaby album - I played Ray 8 years ago 24 hours a day and when not playing, I was singing. As I did dishes, folded laundry, rubbed silky blonde hair on my baby girl's head while she nursed and I rocked us - singing, ALL THE WILD HORSES.... Ray and I have had an intimate relationship for years and years - and now....It's more. Mmmmmmmmm so much more. It has become the beginning of a soundtrack to the story of them all. And I am sooooo big on music. Bleed it out my veins. Music is Me - period. I hate that moment when a soundtrack from your own life becomes like dying alive. Jackson Browne rips the mother scab clear off and takes a pound of reattached flesh with it. Do not get me started on my soundtrack, please - But there is it.....The beginning of LET IT BE ME, the deep breath and the first few lines - HIS RINGTONE, the dip and rise of in and out of despair - That's when you need someone, someone that you can call, when all your faith is gone it feels like you can't go on - LET IT BE, if it's a friend that you need - let it be me. HOLY FUCK. I literally cannot breathe, could suffocate sitting here, face on the keys of this beloved laptop that I typically want to throw across the room. Jesus this HURTS. Okay my spine is relaxing a little bit, yikes that didn't go so well. Maybe I should get it over with and throw every track from the very first CD I ever made for him. That one has some Sade BY YOUR SIDE, some Zac Brown FREE/INTO THE MYSTIC, and OTIS REDDING the Motherfucker singing THESE ARMS OF MINE..... Youuuuuu know what? Fuck it, lets' do it. I am pulling it up on my itunes library in just a second - BRB.......First Track ADELE _ make you feel my live - live in Soho... I am going to sit quiet for a minute. Play it with me if you want...... This is over 70 minutes of music I am getting myself waist deep in FYI - this is going to read as a process. I see myself in the red chair, the breeze blowing the white curtains, the sound of water from the kitchen - dishes being rinsed - My eyes are closed, one knee is up to the sky, that leg falls in and out from my hip - I am singing, a cigarette burning in the stone ashtray I always dragged out of the bedroom - it sat on my belly button a bunch of times, my feet crossed at the ankles, smoke swirling a dense cloud of repetitive motion, hips rotating to the sound as Zac Brown begins in a ripping violin on FREE/INTO THE MYSTIC. Sorry I need a drink, my throat is dry from choking on NO AIR. mmmmmmmmmmmm fhhhhuck. Lay underneath the harvest moon and do all the things that lovers do. We laughed......We laughed all the time - hysterically. The harder I laughed, the harder he did and then bam a heap holding on to each other for dear life going further and further into the sick details of the best story telling ever.... I will miss that FOREVER. The only consolation prize is that I KNOW he never did that with anyone but me. The laughter, the music, the honesty, the passion, the intimacy. This song reminds me of my cowboy boots, the tan ones, I wore them a lot. Me click swing click and him with his heavy boots and shoulder dip. The two baddest, hottest, mother fuckers your eyes ever did see. All the couples in Food Lion moved out of our way and watched as we walked slyly away, looked up from the T-Bone steak they were examining to watch our steps match up like Fred and Ginger. And with that JASON MRAZ and SONG FOR A FRIEND. There is no price to pay when you give in what you take. Seems fitting somehow in this moment as my anger surfaces.... Cause this song is all about friendship and if that bitch hasn't fucked up the best running mate choice in the quest of diplomacy. Grrrrrrrrr this guitar solo is halping a little. I saw this live. Fucking right I did and I am going to David Gray which I believe came and went from this saga unscathed and stained up. But I rant instead of rave - sue me, god knows I earned the controversy. And yes Mary I am going to take this to a stage - you are absolutely dead fucking on as usual. Sure, English Teacher, sure social worker, sure one woman show - a little song, a little dance, a little poem a little deb painting the picture... Hair pulled in my new signature style - dark black eye makeup, a deep lipstick, something that mourns rage - a black girl tux, only a flowing short skirt and some mother fucking heels - a spotlight - silence except for a quiet backdrop of SONG FOR A FRIEND and sit back peeps - let me tell you how it went - And get your neck loose for this cause you will watch me pace and stretch on this one - so you have some work to do to hang on my every word and movement. Climb up over the top survey the state of your soul.... In the one woman shit show, I will probably go into a rapture during that section and the voice of Hester Prim will climb out her dungeon in my throat. Hmmmmmm, some of you are so lost - I apologize. The Jason Mraz faggot shirt as I sat on the dressing room floor of Belk. And now AMOS LEE, COLORS.... Oh my colors faded alright by day three - mayhem was setting in. The withdrawals were bad in the lonely kitchen, the door not pushed back against the wall letting in ALL the sunlight. Mmmmmm. Courage cowardly Lion, it takes the courage you already have. Mary posted on facebook, the youtube link and a comment "this is what I play every time she leaves" Oh and I forgot about this one, major cardiac imbalance on this one. DIXIE CHICKS Cowboy take me away.... I need a cigarette on this one - the banjo is unbearable. Driving down the road, my boot on the dash, the wind in my mane, two cigarettes burning and thumbs pounding the steering wheel, a perfect moment. Many of them. Like too many to have this bullshit go down. STUPID fucking bullshit with a mouth that just does not know when to QUIT. No, not one of them, but TWO. being out by the fire, my riding boots sinking in the damp earth where the garden will be erected in two weeks, the cool March mist in my hair, the heat from the fire on my tights, my thigh up and over the arm of the chair as I ran my fingers through salty pepper, the warm breath of relief moist on my poncho, my dress underneath, a face buried in my stomach, a hand holding a cigarette pushing my spine to a face, the face deeper and burrowing. Okay JOHN MAYER edge of desire, now....I want you so badly I'll go back on the things I believe. Jesus, I make epic CD's - really I do. And Ray again - Trouble. I've been saved by a woman, she won't let me go now now now. We know who it isn't.... At least that much we know. I have severe issues with stupid, like SEVERE. fucking passing up your chance is the stupidest of stupid, especially when it is the redemption chance. You chicken out of the redemptive perfection of getting it right this time, you really look do look crazy. I feel like saying too much, but it's my song. JASON MRAZ, BEAUTIFUL MESS. Insert the entire score to this song and lyrics for full effect - it's too big and vast and wide and open and throbbing to go into - me to you - fuck, me to me. I am doing this for me BTW, a prize fighters right hook to myself. ADRIAN. I have the eye of the tiger - it smells like compost. Oh dear cause here we are - here we are...... tore our dresses, stained our shirts. B2FLMS. This sucks. Totally and completely. my girl PINK AND CRYSTAL BALL is up. I just need a compass and a willing accomplice. A fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell, but I'm not scared, I'm not scared at all. Love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness. okay this one is getting me bad - I need to go away now. That trip into the frozen tundra campground still makes my hip hurts, I can feel the cold ground piercing through the marrow of my bones. All the breathing of babies cuddled into one warm spot. The wind whipping while I peed behind the tent just to warm my thighs for a second. A dance party by the constantly tended too camp fire. A cup of tea. JOHN LEGEND I WILL STAY WITH YOU. we'll be lovers for a lifetime. Through the end of all time I will stay with you. QUEEN MARY J.- MISSING YOU. Now this song actually belongs to someone else in truth. It is a recycled sentiment. He got a lot out of me too, branding in fact. But I digress - Mary J is just what my hips say on the subject of missing someone period. Body and soul is aching and I am out of control missing you so. Oh it's that way Mary, it's that way no doubt, put and AMEN on the end of it sister and you're feeling me. OH JESUS HERE IT IS HERE IT IS........OTIS REDDING THESE ARMS OF MINE. Okay on this one - It started in the kitchen and moved onto the deck in the mist which steadily turned to rain. Me in boxers and a sweatshirt in January slow dancing on the deck in a down pour. Kissing like nobody's business, swaying hips and hands, in hair, coarse pepper grinder and the seashore tangled in sunshine. And right into SADE BY YOUR SIDE. and this I cannot access for you or for me. I will just say this - for ten minutes or so, I felt a human being give into every bad thing that was choking the life out of them - a submit, a bath, a rebirth, handed up to the light. You think I'd leave your side baby, you know me better than that. TEARS. TEARS. You think I'd leave you when you're down on your knees, I wouldn't do that. my jaw hurts from gritting, my face from rubbing. When you get to stress on my current level, your face needs a deep tissue thrashing to feel alive. GAVIN DEGRAW WE BELONG TOGETHER. Wedded by the planet force. The hammer may strike be dead on the ground, the nail to my hand, the cross on this crown, but we're undone if we're undone..... These lyrics hurt. We have all been spoken for. The light of the moon, oooh the honor of a swear...... The kingdom of men is hollow within, without the care that it takes to make a perfect love the passion from the truth - a common comfort for a view. I cannot take these words...... Wishing mental telepathy was my strong suit right now. Having to stretch on this - but no door frame. And that is a whole other story that I am saving for the book. It was unique and perfect. Minus of course the fleeting moments. And appropriately we have made it to the final track, my personal anthem, THE DAVE MATTHEWS BAND #41. What I can tell you is this....If you have never seen me under the influence, free of the worlds judgment, in a trance like state while dancing to this song - you have most definitely missed the most momentous occasion of your era. Me and this song turn my body inside out, right out in the open with onlookers. It is the most glorious sight I just know it - I have never seen me, but I FEEEEEEEL me in this one - it was written for my dancers sensibility, my movements and the sounds are mere translations of the other - rare like oil, Leroi Moore's effect on me. Me and him, his saz - me and his sax have the same ribcage. God I miss him, Leroi Moore not he should not be named. He wouldn't get that reference FYI. Just sayin it out loud. I guess I finished off his first CD with ME. Seems about right on this glorious night. In the end there is always me. My name is Deb not Juliet. Deborah, to those who love me and are pissed at me OR desperate for me. I made it. I played the whole CD through and significantly improved in my strategy to just get it all the hell over with once and for all. This is the quick hit recovery plan. Do it do it again, do it some more, another empty canning jar gone from my window sill, clorox clean up - repeat. Get er' done as some may say. I think, having sailed over that bar, I think I want a cookie, a chocolate caramel sea salt cookie and thankfully....I have one stashed in my purse. My appetite has returned too, starving for eight weeks equals too skinny Deb and Deb is better with meat. COOKIE MONSTER "C stands for cookie, that's good enough for me" Not on the "first soundtrack" - but rather the one looping through my head currently. For those of you who have followed one word of this, I am super impressed. For those of you who followed along word for word, you are my hero's and for you who followed the shadow, humph it's a tough one isn't it???? Goodnight, not editing or spell checking, sorry - and God Bless. (that is for Nan) Deb