a change has come

Good quiet and peaceful evening blog readers (if there are any of you left after my terribly long hiatus) I find myself tonight pondering which one of the many topics in my head it feels most pertinent to write about....There are so many things that I want to say at this juncture of me. I guess I could begin with the sense of serenity inside of my mind that has kicked out the ever present storminess. This has been a long time in the works, an extended stay on the battle field in the fight to love myself enough. I read some of my previous blogs from last years horrendous summer and it is so clear to me just how desperately I was fighting to overcome the persistent patterns of emotional self abuse that have dictated my adult life. I was hurting so badly and yet, willing to stay in a state of pain to prove that I could, prove (at least I thought at the time) that I was tough, prove that I could go the distance, prove that I had the answers and that if I believed in them enough, they would take hold. Recently, after two years of going in circles, I discovered that the person I so desperately wanted to save was truly better off without my presence in his life and....I cut the ties that bind me to so many things that seek to do nothing but destroy everything in its path. For so long I clung to ownership of the concept that this person and I were so alike, the same, the threads that bound us together were from the same spool, we were tied to each other by a unique understanding of this life. I was wrong. It is not a unique perspective on our humanness, but rather a unique and rather sick perspective and need for self inflicted pain. My pains are totally different from his, his are despicable on so many levels, and yet.....so are mine. I yelled and screamed about all the things that he does wrong, all the things that should cause him shame, all the ways in which he devalues his existence and everyone involved in it....I heard my voice saying the same things I has said the day before, the week before, the month before, the year before AND then.....I heard my MYSELF. For the first time in over a year and a half of extreme emotional suffering, I heard myself, my voice...I heard the words myself as though I was speaking aloud to no one other than me. I was saying "everything that you bitch and whine and cry about, everything that earns you the self proclaimed victim status you so freely adhere to, all of it - YOU HAVE CHOSEN AND DONE TO YOURSELF. Looking back over my adult life, there have certainly been moments of hell that the world gave to me without me going out and asking for it, for sure. But, the things that I cling to which steal my spirit and energy - those things, I have chosen. Suddenly I realized that I am as guilty as him, because I keep him in my beautiful world and allow the destruction of his self abusing ways to diminish the light of my life. That is my self abuse - keeping people like him around and giving them precedence over me and mine. I have thought all this time that if I remained his voice of reason and truth, I would help him realize the error of his ways and in cadence earn the best friend award for sticking it out in the shit heap. The shit heap is not where I belong, not where my kids belong, not where I should spend another minute of my life. I have been fighting myself this whole time - not to love him enough, but rather to love myself enough... All the energy that I have been scraping the reserve tank for, all the moments I was not present in my life because I was talking him out of reprehensible behaviors - that was meant for my life - not his. I chose to give it all away because I didn't care enough about MY LIFE to turn the attention on myself. I love this person and care about the outcome of his life, very much. I pray that he has an awakening, one that will allow him to finally be alone in the quiet with himself and be okay - I wish for him that he will feel about himself, the way that I now do about myself. I in no way shape or form want to hurt him or cause him anymore pain than he inflicts on himself on a minute to minute basis - I am not shit talking here or hoping he will read this and it will instigate some dialogue between us even. The dialogues have ended for us because they are going nowhere and I have places I want to be, things I want to see, good feelings I want to feel. This isn't about him at all, it is all about me - this relationship and all it's emotional pitfalls have been the catalyst to major change in myself, the path was never to him, it was always to right now.... My marriage was a nightmare and the relationship following a continuum of the same misguided dreams with a few new characters... The elements that caused the past twenty years of pain in my life were not all my fault, and certainly, I did my best with what I brought to the table after a confusing and broken childhood. Hard to have an identity in a relationship when you barely have one in the mirror that is remotely identifiable to the person looking into the glass. My biggest mistake is that I have always chosen to stay when I should have long since said goodbye. I put more value in saving the "relationships" than I did in saving myself. I have flip flopped back and forth on this for the last twenty years.....Having fleeting glimpses of reality and proclaiming readiness for change, only to forget as quickly when the phone rang or a text came in, immediately sucked back into my role as victim of my own self. Truth is, I believe I am a good person. I believe that I deserve peace in my life. I believe that I am human and always learning and evolving and CHANGING for the better. I believe I am worthy of LOVE... I know I am worthy of love because I really do finally love myself, everyone is worthy and SHOULD feel that way about themselves. My life has been painful and hard and full of disappointments - but it doesn't have to be anymore because I have the power of selection and I can choose to not let anyone or anything into my life that will threaten my sense of well being or test my resolve that this life will be what I want it to be. I have been given great tests of my faith and my strength - Matthew comes immediately to mind - but Matthews issues I handled with amazing grace because it was a REAL test of real value and NOT something I put myself through, throwing caution and time and well being on the wind. I can be graceful in times of trouble and undoubtedly there will be more.....I am sure I am not done learning and the karmic process although working me like Rocky Balboa, has not rung its final bell in my corner - I have much work to do... But....it will be the God given kind from this point forward because I am giving up the need to fight myself just to prove I am a fighter. We all know that I am, and that I will, BUT I don't want to anymore unless God calls me to take arms for a cause greater than my old self. There is no purpose to living in the past - it only keeps you from being present in the now. I can't go back to my childhood or even five years ago and change the relationship I had with my Mother or the wounds that I suffered. I can only love my own daughter and three sons, today. I am done dwelling on all the things and people that hurt me - their misconceptions have never belonged to me anyways. I am done choosing to believe that I can change or help or fix anyone that does not FIRST, want to help themselves. I am done needing chaos and noise and drama, because the truth is - I love the quiet and I love being able to hear the brilliant stories and poems I am always writing in my head without interruption from things that just don't stack up to the things inside of me. I met a woman the other night who looked me in the eye the way I look people in the eyes. She said to me "I see how much you have struggled and I appreciate that, I also see that you are coming out of that phase - you have done well, you are a powerful woman." She had that look to her - the one where the aura vibration is so strong there is a visible light to a trained and perceptive eye. She saw me as I now see me and acknowledged it - I am no longer looking like a storm, I am looking like a beautiful sunrise that comes the morning after and I am grateful. There have been many false starts in the last two years - this is not one of them I assure you. I am so quiet inside that all I can do is smile to acknowledge it. Like....am I really quiet or is it just a fleeting stillness? Nope - still quiet. How bout now? Yup - still quiet. Quiet is a deafening sound if you are not well within. I hear crickets and a car outside, the fan on my laptop, my heart beating. My ears don't hurt at all, I think they might be smiling too. It's been a long time coming said Sam Cooke. Yes, yes it has and well worth all the wait time to know that no more moments will be wasted..... Shhhhhhhhhhh. Goodnight y'all. Blessings and Peace.