in the gray matter

Good Sunday Mornin' rain is fallin....(how many of you got the maroon5 reference?) That's the thing about me - I speak in tongues - of lyrics. If you don't know them, you miss some of the point. Whatever - I am prone to rant like conversations with myself posing as blogs lately, I must reel that in. Maybe. Some you get off on it, I know it. Some of you follow along like champs and smile because you know me well enough to know me better than those who don't - missing my nuances is a sorrowful mishap - ha, I am doing it again. I am sitting with my coffee, the most lovely sandalwood incense is burning and my java is appropriately strong. I woke up earlier from a dream, one where my savings had been gambled away by a man who has no regard for accepting long term or short term responsibility. It was watching my house go into foreclosure all over again. certainly not how I would have done it, but pride will do stupid things to already challenged men. Doing it again.....Someone speak up and stop me - that is what it takes and truthfully I have MUMFORD and SONS playing, they kinda instigate the self preservation conversations, with myself. Speaking of that (still doing it) I was thinking last night as I drifted gently and satisfied into slumber - I really want a whack at PINKS couch and that song. I want to do live In Australia's rendition of 'when I think about you I tough myself' I want a crack at that couch, song and old school microphone and naturally, but of course, the mother load lace cat suit and the heels. And most significantly a litter of curious kitties, an audience. I AM REALLY IN THE DEEP THINKING, LAYERS PLACE aren't I am an onion - enzymes that'll make you cry every time, no matter how much you rinse that blade in cold water first. I wish I could send this album South, dude it's a painful release, these guys are badass - badass and beautiful, unique and sumptuous. I had a purpose for this blog this morning - I really did. It was this - never ever be afraid to say how you truly feel...... NEVER _ ALWAYS SAY IT - NEVER STAY SILENT. You all know that this has been my sentiment forever - Omar and a river of grief whose banks rose and drowned out my life taught me that a little too early on to make a lot of life manageable. I taught this sentiment to my baby girl the other night, yet again. The moments were some of my best ever, ever ever ever in my life. It went like this - At the swim banquet the other night, insert Deb who really has to pee ants in her pants impatient and really on the verge of leaving a puddle. I wanted to speak after the award portion of the evening - I had something I DESPERATELY needed to say and yet, Oh GOD I have to peeeeeee. But love wins, they do make depends and maybe I just ought to start carrying one in my suitcase I call a purse.... At any rate - I spoke. began by asking everyone to be quiet- hush up my mouth is not that big. Of course that got a rise as my daughter smiled at me from her spot on the floor, long legs folded neat up underneath looking like the perfect angled backside of an envelope - she smiled waiting for her MOM to say something crazy funny... In short - I praised the five teenagers who are my daughter's swim coaches - praised their parents for a job well done, expressed my gratitude for these kids being my childs mentors - AMEN, love those kids with all of my bursting heart - best group ever. Fun and good, loving, attentive, encouraging - the list is endless. I ended my monologue by acknowledging that all swim teams consider themselves a family - but they are not out family....GO SHARKS. The great part came as I actually collapsed, butt cheeks falling to the toilet seat and peeing like my life was being spared - Emma in the stall next to me. I said "Mimz, when Mom gets up in front of people like that, does it make you uncomfortable, do you worry about what I might say?" SHE GIGGLED and I said "hey what's with the giggle guts?" She said "No Mom I don't worry, I can't wait to hear what you have to say." I smiled at the wall that separated us, she continued, "You're always so funny and loving" and "I love your outfit tonight" :) :) :) endless to infinity. We exited our stalls and stood facing each other, she grabbed me hard around my middle and buried her face in my tunic, rubbing her face close to my heart. I asked her "you gonna do that when you grow up, have the courage to always say what you feel in front of anyone?" She said "I mean I'll try Mom" I said, "There is no trying, you just say what you feel in your heart always" She squeezed harder and told me she loved me - ALWAYS HAVE THE COURAGE OF YOUR HEARTS CONVICTION MY LOVE ALWAYSSSSSSSSSSSS. That was a good exchange - a perfect confirmation. I went to my truck after and cried. Cried for all the stress I wish would leave me so I can return to doing what I do best, loving the people who not only need it BUT WANT IT. NEED AND WANT are not both fruits of a different color and texture. They are opposite. Not cloak and dagger. Sigh. I also wanted to discuss a customer I had yesterday - I won't get too deep into it - just know that she and I made friends. She schooled me on my VEGAS capabilities to own a black jack table, how my prowess and power could make me a rich girl with a free room at the Bellagio - she was classy sassy at it's best and she wanted me to dress her like me. Wanted some Deb in a bag. It was great - she spent 1,000 dollars and mentored me. As she left, she made it all the way to the door and then spun on her heels and returned to me leaning over the counter presenting a medal that hung around her neck. She said "Deb read this - she then proceeded to say the words along with my eyes. It said THERE IS REALLY ONLY ONE QUESTION YOU NEED TO ASK YOURSELF WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THIS FANTASTIC LIFE? She smiled as the medal hit her tan skin, backing off the counter, the fingers which held the silver turning into a point at me - she said then "what are you gonna do with it?" and winked. I love my life. I love when the kindred come and call me out and make me know that it is all a plan and I have one and it is visible to those who are like me. I love that with all my fucking heart. I also love coffee and cigarettes and Dave Matthews when he talks about toast and jelly. Licking from your back to your belly. I am a big humongous personality, this I know. I am a biggie. I love that I am understood by the most amazing people - to take that even further, the cool people want to know all about me and wait hanging on an edge to hear me. Love that. I am difficult for the stupid people to follow and for them to watch, I imagine I inspire a whole lot of self loathing in those who live their lives in so opposite my direction. I am only hated by the haters and this is a good knowing for me to carry forth on this journey. My daughter is not a hater. AMEN. I think maybe I should go see a movie today. Ha Brian just texted me - he is on a train back from Boston - so anxious to see me that he is stalking me via harassing phone calls and texts, Hilarious. My kids are awesome. Awesomely wanting to never cut the Mom chord and even though it is annoying as fuck in the older two - it is affirming - they too love me for all the right reasons. The day is gray like the happy medium between animosity and obsession - I guess I should feel satisfied. I think that I really am. I have learned a lot lately about me - who I am, who I'm not and who the hell I want to be. I cannot change anything other than my clothes - I was going to say underwear but I am no longer comfortable with that concept - I change my outfit, my shoes, my actions and that is about the extent of it. Like Ben says "DO YOU" He also says "I swear to God Deb" - cracks me up when he unloads his anger on me like I am his older sister. "yes Dear" Ha. I cannot wait to develop Ben's character in the book. I have a rough draft of chapter one where he first appears - it's classic. So many names I will have to rename. I may need help with that....If I am not Deb in the book - whoever could I be???? I am Deb, I know no other name to be. Hmmmmmmm I may have to run a poll of facebook or something...rename the characters of my new book PROOF. But the names are PERFECT as is....Mother Mary, the Holy TRINITY, Emma Claire, Kev Kev.....Multiple Jenny's, Leesie, the brats. Perfect names for a perfect story that is going to put me on the best sellers list and embarrass pool mom's who make the mistake of reading it out in the open. It is so good.... Maybe I should post a portion as a blog? Would you all like that? An excerpt from PROOF - you can tell me if you want more..... Maybe I will do that - just don't want to be plagiarized or sued. The truth can inspire law suits I have heard, although I am certain that defaming is intended to stop lies - not sure, but absolutely sure. Your Mother left you stranded said she couldn't even stand the things you can - so turn that finger round you're the one bringing you down - Hmmm Mumford to HoneyHoney. This could incite an emotional riot - good thing I have too much to do. Okay kids, I think I am sufficiently spent with my bony ass on this hard chair. My coffee is cold too. Let me know what's up - if you are interested in a chapter of the book - I received a comment this morning from a Country I am not familiar with - it was a suggestion to get some help with a love spell that will make my lover faithful - clearly that country knows not of who I have had for a lover. Faithful is not a word in that dictionary my sweet foreign friend. And spells, for the record are the last thing I need help with - I set cast them everyday, just in some circumstances they are meant to weed out the weeds of my garden not get them to bloom. I am a sunflower though, big and bright and tall. A thick stalk. Okay seriously my ass hurts. Lovely Sunday to you. I black out the windows, He bolts up the door, I'm wound up with thinkin' and he sleeps on the floor. Kisses like a masochist and I am better off alone, real love is harder than I ever could have known. GOSPEL TRUTH