take two and call me in the morning.

What's this? Two blogs in one day, what what???
I am back in the library can you believe it? On Tuesdays I live at school - here at the crack o' and until the doors get locked for the night.
I love it - don't get me wrong.
I love everything about it, ESPECIALLY that this semester in order to graduate and transfer out I MUST take a Phys ed. class...
At first I was pissed - really? Pay the college to force me to work out, grrrr.
But now I am like Yessssss, why can't I do this every semester?
I just spent two hours in the new gym at the college and feel like the old me.
Not old as in ancient, over forty, elderly BUT rather the previous bad ass version that threw around weight bars like they were feathers and dripped sweat after running miles or spinning or pumping...
I felt like the old me who cared that I could out run an attacker. And, that if by chance that said attacker was a runner too and he caught me, well he was in for the fight of his life and a possible skull fracture cause my thighs were that strong - I could kill you with my legs I swear, crack skulls like nuts.
I showed up in my gear with my ipod and BEGGED the instructor to allow me to switch from the morning class that I am enrolled in to the evening class - it gives me the freedom to take another English class cause I am a sick person who cannot get enough literature or the good doctor.
I pleaded with her, gave her my sob story, mother of four - limited time - tight schedule - yada yada...
You know what she said? "you have four kids?"
When I told her that one of my children was a student here and in an evening class on Tuesdays night and that is why I need to switch so desperately (car pooling) she didn't believe me - thought I was lying, fabricating, making up kids that are not real...
SMILE SMILE SMILE.
Told her I was 41 (almost) and she didn't believe me again - SMILE BIG SMILE.
Told me I look awesome.
Yeah yeah whatevs, but can I still crush heads with my legs is the question?
Can I still run like the wind?
Probably not, BUT give me a month or two and I'll be back -
IT FELT SOOOOO GOOD.
Thing is, I am an athlete - a born athlete.
I love to be physical - love to sweat - love to push through walls of pain.
LOVE IT.
What the hell was I ever thinking letting this part of my life go?
Oh wait, I know - get your college degree Deb, write a book or three....
Right, only so many hours in the day...
Ugh.
But sahweeet that I HAVE to take this class - shucks...Sorry kids (throat clear) Mom has to go to school.
School is a gym !!!!! Yippee.
Okay enough of that -

I am amazed at how many people read my blog today...I know that most of the people who did will probably never ever read it again, I know that most of the hits were from Alli's remembrance facebook page, the astounding numbers certainly do not reflect my popularity. It is all about Alli and the grief.
I am cool with it not being about me, I write for you.... - I just kept watching the numbers rise and was like WOW this is amazing. Hundreds of you read - Hundreds....
I hope every one of those hundreds took my words literally - love revolution - life mission - cumulative effort....
I just know she would feel it - sigh.

Wouldn't it be nice if all those teenagers and young adults kept reading DEB DOES LIFE though? It really would - it would make me sooooo happy to have young blog followers.
Kiddos keep reading me...
Well, the sweat circles under my boobs are now making me cold because my body temp has regulated and being wet in the air conditioning is no longer a good thing - I am freezing, so I guess I shall go do math homework where it is warmer.
Have to remember toiletries for Thursday and then I can shower....
Sorry kids Mom has to go to school (AND SHOWER :) - this is too good to be true.

Bless you all - have a beautiful night.

Love revolution - name it - 'FOR ALLI'

Good Morning Bloggers,
I sit here in the library bleary eyed and gulping my hot coffee by the mouthful regardless of the fact that it is scalding ass hot -
I have insomnia again - a really bad bout.
Part of me knows that it is my thyroid acting up and that I MUST make time to get back to the doctor and get the right cocktail of meds to gain some relief. Part of of me also knows that my sleepless nights are due to an overactive brain that just cannot stop thinking about Alli Buck and the enormous hole left in the lives of so many by her loss.
I spent a good deal of last night contemplating and trying to reckon with big questions, rather than allowing my body and mind to rest.
I cannot help it - I feel like I MUST think things through, make the best kind of sense that can be deduced from facts and then TRY TRY TRY to apply whatever the hell I come up with to my own life in a positive way.
I feel like it is my job to absorb the pain of the world around me and then manifest it outward in positivity, hope, encouragement and love.
I take it all in, every detail of the pain, every possible meaning - allow it to hurt, confound, confuse, frustrate, reel etc.etc. and then flip it ever so slowly until it is right side up, right side being positive side.
hard to say that someone's death can be positive right?
Jesus don't I know that one all too well, all too close up, all too familiar.
The only thing I can do to cope is allow the pain to equal love.
And then give it, give it, give it.
Right now I am in the churn stage - the sadness is churning about inside my head and my guts - Her Mother - Her Father - Her Sister - Her best friend Alex - Her community - the kids she coached and the list goes on and on.
I see them in my mind as myself - I imagine if it were my daughter Emma - I become Alli's Mother for a bit....(God help her)
I imagine it is my Best friend Mary - I become Alex for a bit...(Poor Baby girl)
I imagine it is one of my sisters, Ash or Toto - I become Julie for a bit. (An only child now?)
I don't have to know Alli well or her Mom, or Alex or Julie -
I have to force me, to be me in their imagined shoes....
It hurts beyond what I can express.
And, truth is - I have been where they now are - My boyfriend, My Dad, My Papa - all gone, but never forgotten.
Have to visit the pain.
Have to let it seep in and take hold.
Have to suffer the grief paralysis.
Have to have to have to.
It is who I am.
And then, I will give MORE love than I already do, give it with greater purpose and make it a tribute in my own heart to ALLI BUCK, her family, her BFF.
It's what I do to survive a life that often feels unfair, nonsensical, brutal....
I had someone say to me once - "you don't have to go there you know?"
Really?
No really... I do.
I think we should all go there - close your eyes and go.
Then open them slowly, let your easy world that is so easy to bitch about come into focus slowly - be grateful,
Look at the person next to you in the computer lab and say "I love your outfit - and what a great smile you have"
Give love and lift up.
I know I keep saying it... I know I am stuck on a theme here.
I may be for a long while to come.
I imagine Alli's Mom will hurt forever - so....what is it for me to stick with an Alli inspired theme of appreciation and love for a bit?
Easy.
Quite possibly the easiest thing I can do - and for now, until my bad time comes again - how lucky for me...
I challenge you all here reading to try to do the same.
In your head Make Alli someone you love and go there.
Do the eye open thing and LOVE hard core after. Not just for a minute, an hour a day...
Make it your life mission.
Make Alli's death your inspiration - name it in your head 'for Alli.'
If we all do that - really do it, feel the pain, do the work, stop yourself from going the too easy road - I bet she will feel us...
I bet she will feel the cumulative love effort and be proud that she started a love revolution.
I challenge you....
You up for it?
Let's do it, c'mon do it with me please.

I know why Socrates didn't write shit down....

I just had a Socrates like experience, a very lengthy blog just poured out of me.
I was practicing the Socratic method of philosophizing - asking questions and eliminating non-facts with my answers.
You will note, the blog is not posted...

It was too heavy, even for me....

Life is hard.
Life hurts a lot.
Life often feels like repeated blows to the face long after you know the damn bell has rung and you are supposed to be resting in your corner, safely reevaluating your strategy -
BAM!!!!

Life can suck....

Just remember that somewhere, everywhere even - someone, a lot of people, would rather take your sucker punch to the jaw than face the horror of their battle.

Live it. Every moment. Get present and keep perspective.

Laugh and cry in equal measure (and cry for others more than you do yourself)

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE

A heavy teeter.

Another late evening blog after a really long day at work....
I should just go to bed...but, my mind is still awake with sorrow and appreciation.
I am still shaken and unsteady on my feet, reeling right alongside my community members at the loss of sweet Alli.
I had to tell my younger children tonight - again, we knew her, not well mind you, but we knew her.
Death is so hard for me to comprehend/understand, how do I thoughtfully explain it to my young children so the severity of the loss penetrates, the finality of death communicates (hoping somehow it instills caution of some sort) without however, making them afraid, making it too dark, hurting them unnecessarily?
Ugh I just don't know.
I stopped myself often today, in the midst of normal moments, work moments, brushing my teeth moments, waiting in line at the coffee shop moments - I paused on purpose and thought about Alli's Mother - where is she now? What is she doing now? How must she be feeling? does her head pound from all the crying or is she numb?
Why you ask? Why did I think of her, why all these questions?
Maybe a little sick, maybe a little morbid you consider?
I made myself do it - made myself remember that there is a woman in my world, in my community, down the road, that is not my friend, not my sister, not my next door neighbor even - she is just another MOTHER like me - and she has lost her child...
Made myself remember her pain so that I would appreciate the LACK of mine.
Perspective.
I made myself stop and think 'Dear God, give Alli's Mom whatever it is that she needs to survive this pain'
And then I thought....how do you survive the loss of your own child?
Perspective.
I have nothing to cry about, all my kids (for the moment) are alive and well and safe and sound.
And with that....my eyes spill tears for that wounded Mother's broken, displaced, empty heart.
Jesus Help her, and of course her Dad too...
Throughout my day, I also thought a lot about teenagers and how much I love them. How I continue, year after year to form personal relationships with kids much, much younger than I. Real friendships, a genuine love, respect and reciprocal care.
Teenagers are awesome - so much exuberance, so much hope, so much promise.
I have come to dearly love a lot of teenagers from the pool - A lot of lifeguards, a lot of swim coaches, a lot of snack bar employees.
I love a lot that are current and a lot that have grown up and gone to college who I now only see once in a while, compared to every blazing hot, summer afternoon.
I missed one in particular today and texted her to tell her so.
I said, 'you are special to me and I just wanted you to know' - she texted me right back - because even though we are twenty years apart in age, we are REAL friends.
I am grateful that in addition to my own great children, I have the pleasure of knowing and adoring so many other great kids and young adults...
I am lucky to be loved back by so many crazy beautiful teenagers, unless of course they all just humor me with their kindness because I am so pitifully old and un-cool?
If that were the case, (which it isn't) I think I would love them all the more for their sympathetic hearts - either way, I count myself lucky...
I wish I could keep them all safe, wish nothing tragic would ever happen to them, ever.
Ugh.
There go the eyes again.
I have learned that life is no more or no less than a balancing act. The human heart teeters between joy/gratitude and pain/loss throughout it's ticking time.
Life becomes beautiful wreckage when you realize the true balance is found in the turbulent co-existence of emotions that literally equal each other.
Perspective.
I force myself to think about things just this way, all the damn time, so that I live as present as I can in each and every moment.
Just in case, life tips my scale or a shoe drops from the sky.
I wish it were not this way, so fragile, so uncertain, but it is - if it were not, it wouldn't mean as much (they equal out, see?)
I don't know if it is normal to force myself into serious contemplation all the time - wait, yes I do, it's normal for me.
Heavy heavy teetering heart.
Thoughts of Alli, her grieving family, fantastic friendships with amazing teenagers, appreciation for receiving love, and also, for being capable of giving it wide open...
Goodnight xo

For Alli.

Hi blog readers...
It is a heavy heart that accompanies me for this evenings blog. I woke this morning to learn that a young woman from our little Lake community was killed last night in a car accident - the night before she was to leave for college - after saying goodbye to a friend....Just miles away from her house...
I have no good words for this kind of loss - I never have, I guess I never will.
I lost my best friend when I was 18 and it changed the course of my life -
Tonight as I think of Alli, I think of all her friends who changed today when they woke up to learn of a new life without her.
I think of her parents and her sister.
I think of my community and all the neighbors and peers who are reeling from the shock of such a terrible and senseless loss.
What words are there for a death like this?
I knew Alli personally - not well mind you, but personally.
She was a beautiful young woman with eyes that sparkled with promise and a smile that surely would have made many a boy fall straight smack in love.
She was warm and funny and kind.
A good girl.
She was adorable, energetic and giggly.
She was the kind of girl I imagine we would have heard great things about as she progressed through life.
What words can there ever be?
This loss makes me ache inside, a dull throb that cannot be comforted, cannot be ignored.
I am sad for what all those who loved her are going through and sad for her, that she will never get to start her first day at Radford.
I know all too well what her BFF's are going through - I hurt for them so much.
I don't know what her parents are going through and I hope and pray that I never, ever do - I hurt for them in a way that I cannot express without literally going to places in my mind that make me physically ill.
What words exist that can begin to comfort a bereaved Mother?
I guess when things like this happen, we hope there is a purpose, hope there is a point, hope someone, somewhere learns a lesson that makes it worth something, anything...
I hope my kids understand that life is precious and guard it like it is - I hope they remember Alli when they consider, if even for a second, NOT appreciating their life.
But, all kids have to learn in their own time - maybe Alli's death will hit or miss with mine - or yours....
Regardless - I still hear no words in my head that will sound like they make any reasonable sense of this loss if I say them aloud, or type them here for you to read.
I have a heavy heart and unfortunately, I am not alone.
Peaceful Slumber sweet girl.

After minutes and hours....

Oh my GOD blog readers....
If you only knew what a hassle it has been to get to you. Sigh/grunt.
I received an email in my college email inbox the other day explaining that my Google account through school could no longer be used to access my Blogger account and therefore I would have to "transfer" my account to a new gmail account. Okay when they said "transfer" what they really meant is 'we are lying' this will be our attempt to prompt you to kill yourself by repeatedly making you fill out the same form and simultaneously teasing you by letting you look at your very own blog, BUT, yeah NO, not be able to sign into it because the 7,000 assorted screens you have filled out countless numbers of times are all smoke and mirrors and we are laughing at you from inside the monitor which we know you want to smash with your bare and shaking hands....
Wow. Sorry for that rant,
but really,
that was how it went, minus the little people in the computer monitor - I am well aware they are full sized humans at the "command" center who are laughing at me.
Ugh technology is just too advanced for me. I can't transfer shit between accounts, I can barely make a transfer at the bank.
Sigh - There are some things I am just not good at.
Good news is this - like a brave little toaster, I logged in and did the deed - followed through from beginning to end and here I am!!!!
Yay, boy am I exhausted.
In the days since I have been away, so much has happened that I know not where to begin....
I saw Dave and Tim - EPIC EPIC EPIC show, so EPIC that EPIC in capitals, still doesn't cover it....
Crazy how much changes and how much stays exactly the same. I first saw the boys at Colby college in Maine, way way back in the day. So much has changed and so much remains the same....
Immediately following the show I came home and collapsed in my bed sick as hell from a sore throat/chest cold that literally had me down until yesterday - I could not get out of bed for three days straight.
Literally - I got up to pee, look at my sweaty sick self in the mirror, groan at my reflection and then crawl back into bed and return to that ill sleep that borders on hallucinations instead of dreams. Dayquil and Nyquil became my best friends....Round the clock while praying "please don't let it be strep"
I missed my first day of classes - can you believe it??? SO DEB.
And....I was out of my head enough so that when the Earthquake happened, I wasn't really sure what the hell was happening...I woke to the rumbling and thought the hot water heater was about to explode underneath me, got my phone and my dog and headed out the door, ready to crawl away (or ride Willa) away from the impending explosion. Funny thing....The driveway rumbled too....Oh wait - Earthquake?
I called Steph and yup, she felt it too, not just a dangerous overdose of NYQUIL in my blood stream, tremors were widespread - not just in my head (phew).....
Oh and Amy Winehouse had no drugs in her system BTW...
It has been a crazy week thus far, I am unsure where to go from here....
I am sitting in the library at school - my first class of the day (math) at 8am was canceled GRRRRR - sick girl could have slept in ....ugh, so instead I fight my 'transfer' accounts and meet with my academic adviser and begin to ponder my future beyond this school year...
Do I cram in a foreign language and go to UVA? Do I do the Mary Baldwin program and become a teacher? What to do - what to do??? I have about two months to decide and then I need to apply....My 3.926 GPA has me in golden shape for whatever I choose - question is, what do I want to be when I grow up????
And, does college play into that or should I just do everything I do from this point forward for me? What makes me happiest and not what will make sense?
Hmmmmmmm, lots to think on.
At least in the Spring if I pass all my classes and maintain good grades, I will have earned my associates degree and go forward with the luxury of choices.
I like choices a lot.
I like choices, I just have to keep in mind that I am also a master procrastinator at not necessarily making in due time - I put shit off and off and off.
We all know I want to just write - but, do I want to write during the summer poolside because the rest of the year I am employed as a teacher??? How I would love to impress my love of literature on the youth and also be a drama teacher on the side ahhhh......Or do I go forward as an English major and got my PHD and teach college English???
Sorry - Back to questions I go....
Okay well I have had enough of this chair - my ass hurts and my legs are numb.
Oh, did I mention that I quit the cancer sticks? 5 days. I feel fine, no anxiety yet.
Now to just stay off them when summer rolls around again next year - I love cigarettes in the summer...
Is that normal?
I want to run again, I miss the running Deb a lot - she was such a bad ass and had the nicest legs....
Me and my numb ass must move.
Now that I have cracked my own blogger code I will write more - I will be back.
Crazy to have not been able to get to my own blog. FRUSTRATING.
I hope you are all well - I have missed you.

HOLY SHIT he is 21

Good Morning to my blog readers, it's been a while (again) hasn't it???
Well this absolutely gorgeous day finds me feeling nostalgic and I dare say even a little sad, although joyous and full of wonder.
Where has all the time gone?
Today is my son Brian's 21st birthday - my first child has reached another milestone in his life and gratefully, I am here to witness it, share in it, revel in it.
He is legal drinking age, oh my...
And again, because repeating myself seems necessary, where has all the time gone?
Last night, I diced onion, peppers and garlic and turned on the ole crock part to get a good red sauce slow cooking. I whipped up some chocolate death cake and made the most amazing (holy delicious) chocolate frosting - I started all the necessary components for his requested birthday dinner - Mom's meatballs, a big ass pan of baked ziti, salad and the yummy garlic bread with the garlic cloves baked right in and of course, a bottle of red wine to accompany and enhance all the flavors.
It is a tradition in our family that you get what you want on your birthday - you call all the shots.
Speaking of shots.... After I cleaned up my kitchen mess, I got down the shot glasses, dusted them off and prepared them for a midnight shot of tequila. To me, that seemed like the only right thing to do for this right of passage. I waited....Tired with dark circles under my eyes, for the stroke of Midnight.
It was something else, I tell ya, throwing back the first legal shot.
It made me smile from ear to ear to be the one to have the honor.
And, I will be honest, a little sad too.
It's hard to watch your kids grow up - as cool as it is, as wonderful as each milestone is - it is still at the bare bones, hard.
They get older and you lose the children they once were to your memories and old photographs....
The thing about my son Brian, is that he is the kid that really changed my life.
I was in a whole lot of darkness before he came - Omar's death and my own family problems had really shut out the light for me and I was hopeless that I would ever know love again, love of any kind.
I was nineteen when he was born, a month and a half shy of my own twentieth birthday - crazy looking back, I was a baby myself preparing to have a baby.
I was excited and scared, naive really in both regards - you have no idea what it is to have a child - the concept in thought, is entirely unprepared for the realities involved. It is beyond what I think I can ever accurately express with the confines of words.
I remember the night he was born as if it were yesterday - it was long and arduous and painful - I went the natural route, I was young "woman hear me roar"...
The intense contractions were hard as hell and came literally right on top of one another for what seemed like all my damn life - I actually forgot, while in labor, a pre-labor physicality...I wanted at several points during his birth process to die myself - give up and go back to bed.
In fact, I remember very clearly, telling my wonderful nurse Debbie (right?) that I was "through with this" - "so not doing this" - "yeah no, I have definitely changed my mind" - I can see my bloated young self, getting up from the hospital bed in my johnny with my big ass hanging out the back, going into the bathroom to retrieve my own clothes and to go the hell home....
Yeah that lasted all of three minutes til the next contraction hit, I instinctively squatted like a sumo wrestler gripping the metal rail that lined the room, face turning beat red while moaning into the core splitting pain and attempting to take in air...
Okay, so I am not going home, fine...
My lovely nurse, who saved me from insanity that night, decided I was a water type and carted me off to the "water labor room" that was tiled from ceiling to floor, had huge open shower stalls and cubicle tubs with benches inside. We tried the shower first, butt naked, forehead to the tile, while she hosed my lower back with a steady stream, felt good but I wanted to sit and rock back and forth - standing when you feel like your insides are falling out, definitely lets gravity do it's thing, but can get a little intimidating,as with each contraction your vagina feels more like a vacuum cleaner in reverse - kinda scary when you are 19.
The room was dimly lit and there was a stereo going, we had it tuned to a classic rock station and I sang with gusto in between contractions as the blue cube tub, filled up around me. I remember some Queen, some Led Zep, definitely Clapton and positively my favorite Aerosmith.
I worked hard in between singing, rocking to the front of the tub as the contraction peaked, arms over the front, back in a steep curve, moaning and concentrating all my effort on not dying from the pain.
I leaned back after it peaked, rested and as the night wore on, actually began to fall asleep in between contractions from the sheer exhaustion of the pain. Funny how pain gets you like that, kicks your ass so bad, the body knows to shut down and reserve strength during the brief reprieve.
Then the beginning chords to the Eagles Hotel California strummed from the speakers and something different began to happen to my body. Suddenly the pain felt like it had purpose and every muscle in my body tensed beyond my control or doing....I pushed hard, starting at my scalp and finishing up all the way at my wrinkled up pruney looking water logged toes....Debbie asked "Hey what are you doing?" - "Are you pushing"
Welcome to the hotel California, such a lovely place....We're livin' it up at the hotel California....
"Jesus", she said as she reached down in between my legs, "that is definitely the head"
I pushed and pushed as she yelled "don't push, small breaths heeheehee"
I pushed and pushed and pushed.
Thing was, I wasn't prepped for a water birth - I have to be honest, a human exiting your vagina is not really a 'hold on, gotta wait' kind of moment....
Debbie and another nurse, pulled me from the tub dripping wet and walked me quickly the twenty steps to labor room #5 where I proceeded to lay sideways across the bed and push out my sons head straight through the vaginal ring of fire....

And so my life changed - just like that.
The doctor plopped him on my chest all swaddled up but still gooey, he cried that newborn cry until I spoke to him "Hi baby" and kissed him all over his sweet little face.
Brian, my adult hairy man child - was my smallest baby at birth, 6 pounds 14 ounces. He was bald less the super light blonde peach fuzz and so beautiful at birth that it literally took what breath I had left away as I stared at him, looking at his lashes, his lips, his eyes, in nothing short of miraculous wonder.
Crazy how transforming giving birth is - everything you think you know, is suddenly altered, as this little bundle in your arms takes precedence over everything you ever thought was important about yourself and your existence.
He did that for me. Came out of the darkness of my womb, a light in his own right, my light, our two darkness' dissipated in unison.
Kinda like we were born together.

All these years later, I tear up to remember that night. I tear up to feel my love for him swell so strong in my chest, tear up for the 21 years worth of memories he has given me.
Because he was my first child and a boy, he obviously had to have a good strong Irish name, Brian Patrick. Patrick is his great Grandfather's middle name, my only daughter Emma's middle name is Claire, for her Great Grandmother.
Tradition, family and heritage all so important to me - I think my Papa was quite thrilled to have his first great grandchild named for him - I wish he were here to have a nip of jameson with us on this great day, sigh - I digress.
I am grateful beyond words to have so many kids. It means I have a beyond full life.
I bitch a lot about never having time to myself, running my ass off 24/7 - but don't be fooled - I would have it NO other way.
My kids are my joy, point and fact.
I love them all, but Brian, well he was my first...
He was my light.
No one can ever touch that moment in my life - no one.
And so....This milestone is bitter sweet - I miss my baby boy. But, my adult son is hilarious and kind and good. I miss our cuddles and power rangers on Saturday mornings. But, my adult son can now accompany me on karaoke night.
Time changes everything EXCEPT the love of a Mother for her child.
Sigh.
What comes next? College graduations, marriage, Grand Mother-hood? (Um yeah and in this order please kids...)
Talk about milestones - geez....
I better invest in kleenex stock, I have a lot of kids, means like today, a lot of happy/sad tears to come.
Bring em on....

Fill my heart with song and let me sing forever more,
you are all I long for, all I worship and adore,
in other words, please be true, in other words....
I love you.
Happy Birthday Baby Boy - Momma loves you.
sniff sniff.

Maybe if I act like that?

Well another school morning, another hot cup of coffee and quiet.
I wish that my mind was as quiet as the house, and with that I apologize in advance for the contents of this blog for I fear it may be as scrambled as my breakfast eggs. Which btw, I have not made yet...
I went to sleep last night with my TV on, never a good thing for me, I loathe TV and most programs that are available on the 9,000 cable channels, that when I choose to flip through, disgust me so that I want to hurl the complicated and enormous remote at the too big friggen set. I remember when a 'bedroom' TV set would have been like 17 inches big and not the as big as a king head board - I digress.
I watched the news to orient myself to time and place around the world, it was depressing to say the least. Hundreds of thousands of starving people in the horn of Africa, dead Navy Seals and controversy over whether or not this is retaliation for Osama Bin Laden's death, a brief check in on Casey Anthony's secret whereabouts and a follow up on the polygamist convicted of raping a twelve year old devotee.
Why do I feel the need to do this to myself???
A few semesters back I took an Ethics class taught by a professor I wanted to either marry or have adopt me....She was an amazing woman and I respected her from the very first instant we spoke to one another, everything about her amazed me. She said that we have a responsibility to KNOW what is going on in the world around us and that one of the most accessible means to do so, is the news. I listen to NPR when the kids are not around and haven't taken over my car stereo, I listen when I can, which truthfully, is not as often as I should - so I watch the damn TV from time to time and try to filter the propaganda and political bullshit from the facts, and come away with some sense of what is really going on around the world.
Sigh.... The issue in Africa really bothers me, a lot.
I am torn about our aid to them too and before you lamb baste me for that comment - this subject was one that we covered in Ethics too - world hunger and what our 'aid' for these countries really succeeds in doing. Really it amounts to nothing more than a larger deficit in our country and a revolving cycle of hunger and poverty in the country we are dropping food on. Really the money would be better spent on education, vaccines, birth control, irrigation and agricultural technology, than food.
I realize people are starving and it breaks my heart more than I can express - I hate that children are born into suffering and never even know what hope feels like for a second of their short lived existences. If only the population was under control and the political landscape wasn't so unstable, if only AIDS and rape and drought weren't so prevalent, if only the problems were able to be appropriately addressed at their roots.
We cannot feed all those people and sustain them. That is fact. They must sustain themselves and don't have the means to do so and won't anytime soon, even with the rainy season.
It is bad news and it weighs heavy. We cannot sustain the horn of Africa, America can barely sustain itself right now....
And then I switched channels to my television savior, PBS. There was Suze Orme. She was talking about her 'new' financial plans that have adjusted because of the recession and this was taped mind you before the stock market went whacky again and our National credit rating was dropped....I wonder if she will tape another program in light of the latest American Dream alteration?
I listened to her intently as every single thing she said made perfect sense and pertained so profoundly to my own life and financial worries. I don't know about all of you, but I have four kids and the grocery bill is killing me, depressing me, making me dread feeding my family. It is time to make some changes in my world and I am all about getting on board a new train of thought that encourages 'less is more'
She kept saying, live BELOW your means. Not within your means, BELOW your means. Hmmmmm below is an interesting concept for we Americans who super size at the drive thru for an extra .40 cents, driving up our blood pressure, the scale, and our cholesterol, plunging the health care costs straight up through the debt ceiling....As kids in Africa starve because of drought.....And our country pledges aid....
Hmmmmm, my Ethics professor would ask me "So what are YOU going to do about it?"
Well, I looked in my closet again this morning with my head hung low and guilty. I looked at all my pretty shoes and then took a tour of the bathroom and eyeballed all the nail polish, make up and beauty products that litter my bathroom counters. Looked at my kids toys e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e, the video games (which I hate) and the TV sets which swallow up every room. I looked at my life and considered, what is taking me beyond my means? There is a lot taking me beyond my means - some of it is most certainly hiding in my walk in closet with tags still hanging, unworn, purchased on a whim.....
Hmmmmmm Deb, hmmmmmm, what are you going to do about this?
Suze also lectured the adults in her studio audience about the Nations children, their pathetic lack of work ethic, sense of entitlement and the mess that we are handing to them that they are completely ill equipped to handle. Kids these days live in excess that I would have never imagined possible when I was their age, and we, the parents, act as though it is 'normal' and what is expected.
I am just as guilty as the next parent to some degree, my closet alone sets an example to my daughter that is WRONG.
Kids have no concept of money value, credit debt, living within 'means' or what the hell 'means' even really means.
"You have a credit card right Ma?"
Hmmmmm Deb, what are you going to do about it?
Wellllll I think I am going to overhaul my life - I don't know if you know this about me, BUT, I LOVE a good challenge.
If I set my mind to something, it gets done and it gets done well. I think my scrambled brain is working out the scramble, and coming up with a plan to teach my children by EXAMPLE that less is more. The desperate parents and kids starving in Africa would be happy with prospering crops, the new crackle nail polish in every color would seem wasteful and ridiculous to them, because IT IS.
Sigh.
So this is big stuff here. This is big. This is shutting off my cable big. This is shutting off the home phone big. This is "No we do not NEED that" big. This is "No I DO NOT NEED THOSE HOT SHOES EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE ON SALE" big.
I especially get off on challenges that show immediate results and I want to see some in my bank accounts and in my character and parenting.
I cannot save the kids in Africa from starving but I sure CAN teach my kids survival skills that will ensure they never meet that same fate or know what bankruptcy or homelessness feels like.
And then I stopped on 'Keeping up with the Kardashians" and I wanted to vomit all over myself as Kim pouted and cried that her skin condition would ruin her million dollar photo shoot or some ridiculous, meaningless shit...
What was it that PINK sang - "I don't want to be a stupid girl" - Um Yeah me either, and most especially NO for my precious Emma Claire.
Humph I got work to do.
And when all is said and done, that wasn't too half assed a blog, now was it???

The first day of the last day.

Good Morning Blog peeps,
You know what just happened in my world?? My kids just left for their first day of school....What you say, already???? Yup - off they go on the big yellow bus - sigh. I now have a senior in high school, a fifth grader and my baby girl (not a baby anymore) is beginning second grade. And well Brian, he is sleeping in this morning because his college classes do not begin until the 29th - but WOW, off go my kiddies for a new year. Kinda unbelievable how fast the sands of time flow through the neck of the hour glass, it seems like the older I get the more rapidly it all passes through, and by me.
I have mixed emotions too. I am awake, the kids are gone, I have hot coffee and it's quiet YAY...But, where did our summer go? What about suntans and handstands and cannonballs???
Summer for us, is done...I always greet this time of year with a myriad of mixed feelings, they range from THANK YOU JESUS, AMEN to AWWW MAN REALLY? sniff sniff....
It is definitely not a yipee, hip hip hooray kinda day for me - In all truthfulness, I wish that Summer lasted like 3/4 of the calendar year (but you all already know this, as I have beat my summer lovin' vibe like a dead horse in previous blogs) - I just love the season with all my heart - love the sights, sounds, smells, the vibe of the hot summer moodiness - it is when I feel most myself and in tune with the world.
It's true, I have already begun thinking on my Fall wardrobe and I am bitter at the consideration - I want bare tan shoulders every day of my life and neon painted toe nails and I want to watch the dragonfly's dance and the butterfly's prance and not even think that snow exists anywhere.
Sue me.
In fact, I was at the pool on Sunday sitting in my chair deep end poolside, reading Toni Morrison and listening to my IPOD (an amazing version of #41 that lasts like a half hour) and the coolest thing happened (and here I show my total dorkiness) a dragonfly began to fly a pattern around the pool - well, maybe I noticed the pattern and it had always flown that way - at any rate, I followed it intently curious as to why it continually flew the same route, dipping low by my head, flying upwards by the diving board over to the fence and back down and around in a counter clockwise figure 8 pattern. It did it, over and over and over and over.
I was mesmerized by the movement and enthralled with considerations as to why? Why was it doing this, what does this mean in dragonfly world - this behavior signifies what exactly?
(I think this way a lot btw, I am on world sensory overload 24/7 - my surroundings astound me)
Then...the music in my ears seemed to accompany the dragonfly in his/her flight and I considered that maybe it was dancing. After all there was a very definite rhythm to the movements, it flowed and was predictable a flap flap glide to it's wings that seemed more graceful than what I had ever noticed in the past as a dragonfly whipped by my head, this one was fluttering and tilting into the wind in an enticing dance. I got excited because I am a geek, and smiled a lot as I began to predict what it would do next, beginning to feel and learn the dance myself. Then, I took off my earphones and listened to the music it was hearing....And there was music for certain - kids splashing, kids laughing, other bugs buzzing, the birds singing, the flip flops slapping the pool deck.
Yes the dragonfly was dancing, enjoying itself profoundly and showing off.
And then....A second dragonfly appeared over the top of the pool house and dipped in for a tango moment or a samba or whatever they call dances in their world, and I wanted to cry a little because it looked like they were falling in love with each other - if not love, at the very least, full on appreciation. The second dragonfly showed up for a bit to join in and get it's groove on too.
I became a bug watcher for about an hour of that particular day - sigh, I watched the bugs...
I will miss the freedom to appreciate my magical surroundings once my hectic lifestyle really kicks in and it is back to school for me too.
It's not just the tan and the white bikini that makes me giggle when I see my naked reflection in the mirror, it's not the easy tousled curls I wear while my flat iron gets a much needed summer reprieve, it's not the cool blue pool the splashing of my silly fish/kids - it's the freedom to watch it all and be it all, appreciate it all that I will miss during the stupid Winter months.
I better stock up on the Vitamin D sooner rather than later too, ugh.
And so, I sit here typing, thinking about the day and new beginnings, wanting what I had Sunday to last forever...
Mixed emotions for certain.
This will be a BIG year for me, no doubt. In two short months, I turn 41....My magic number, I am so excited for this birthday and year, I can hardly stand it. Call me crazy, but I have been listening to Dave croon about it for so many years that I am convinced my forty first year is the year amazing things will happen for me. I will get my first degree this year and transfer to a University to continue my quest for knowledge and pretty paper. I WILL finish my book come hell or high water, God willing and the creek don't rise and drown me....I will do everything this year with a fervor for life that is unparalleled, I plan on being better at absolutely everything this year, especially at being ME.
So, I am excited in some sense to get the show on the road, but sad to see summer 2011 come to a close for sure.
No doubt.
One great thing....I have tickets to see Dave and Tim on August 20th....The first acoustic show in CVILLE since like 1995 or some shit - this show should be nothing short of fantastically epic - I am beyond excited.
A good way to bid August and my beloved Summer adieu, if we have to say goodbye, which inevitably, we do....
I love you Summer. I love everything about you.
I will miss you terribly and pop Vitamin D like a drug addict until you return.
I have 20 days until classes start, so I guess let the summer detox begin...
How fitting that the sun isn't anywhere to be seen in the gray ass sky this morning?
If it comes out, I am going to the pool with Toni Morrison and Dave Matthews and relishing every second of ticking time.
If you have kiddos who began their school year today - do you feel me????
Good thing is - summer will come again, just like the big yellow bus.

Have a blessed day - peace, love and dragonfly's....

She will find her own way out.

Good Morning Blog readers,
I woke this morning thinking about the start of a new school year and running down the list in my head of all the things that I need to accomplish before the munchkins and myself, oh wait, and Brian, and Kevin, begin a new school year - ugh - so much to do and get in order....
Those thoughts quickly led me elsewhere - thoughts themed with 'new beginnings'...
I have been in a new beginning place for several years now as I try to dramatically change the course of my life and actually live a life that feels "right" for me. This is a challenging prospect and often means drastic change.
Sixteen years ago, I was driving over a bridge in Waterville, Maine - I was listening to Dave, #41 was blaring from my car stereo, I was on my way home from the Colby college track - I remember this moment in time with such clarity that I am positive I do, because it was a defining moment in my life - a crossroads - whatever you'd like to call it....
A feeling crept up from toes, a tingle, a burning sensation even, it started deep down inside of me and moved up slowly as I sang my theme song at the top of my lungs "I will go in this way, and find my own way out" - the feeling moved slowly and yet speeding right up to my gut and hit me like I had been received a sucker punch unexpectedly to my abdomen. I held my breath as the burn reached my heart - "I won't tell you what to be, cause it's coming to much more - it's ME"...
And I knew, in that instant - my toes knew, my guts knew, my heart knew and my mind knew - all of me converged in a 'knowing' that seconds previous, I had never even considered....
I went home, walked in the door to my house, dropped the keys on the black granite counter, stood with my hand on my hip and my head high and proclaimed to all my family "I am moving to Virginia"
They all looked at me like I was smoking something suspicious, and then when realization hit that I was dead serious and my mind was made up, their faces changed to 'She's gone mad'.
Yup I had gone mad alright - mad at my life and it's dead end course.
Time for a change.
I remembered this time fondly, all the excitement, all the fear, all the "OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING's??" all the bewilderment in the faces of people I love as I sold off my belongings, fought my Ex in court for the 'right' to leave Maine with our kids and packed up my shit with no real secure plan in place.
I am ballsy to say the least - I go with my gut when my gut says go.
And this memory and my theme of new beginnings brought me right to my dear friend Dana, as she, has grown some balls of her own and is about to leave Lake Monticello behind for her fresh start...
Of course I do not want her to go.....But yet I do, because I know her path has diverged.
My Dancam and I, well we had a rough start - funny to think about the animosity we grew from... How stupid and yet, the perfect beginning to 'our story' - hilarious actually, perfectly hilarious and fitting.
I won't tell that story, that is just for me and her, but I will tell you that, in the end, I got a friend that I never expected and I am a better person for it.
Dana and I, are the kind of friends that barely ever see each other because our lives are stupid busy and there is just no time to spare - we used to see each other every day when we were both cycling and pumping and running religiously, but school for both of us (she went to college too) has minimized even those meetings and eventually I settled for seeing her for two minutes before our classes at the same end of the building began, ugh...
Or, I would get up to pee mid- class and find her pacing the hallway, avoiding something in English class that made her want to blow her brains out :) - I loved that surprise each and every time it happened.
I will miss her at school and HOPE that she moves forward with her education in Texas....(insert parental sounding throat clearing here)
At any rate, even though our time together was limited in recent years, we still loved each other well and supported each other in a special way that sustained me through tough moments of self doubt.
A midnight text would come "I love you" - how did she know I needed to hear that?
I would send one as I drove by the gym and thought of her cute round butt on the bike in front of me, "I miss your hot ass"
A smiley face back at me....
Etc. Etc. Etc....
May sound like not much, but to me it was a lot - a whole lot.
She is my friend and I love her with all my heart.
She never failed to show up when I needed her most and for that I will always be eternally grateful.
I will miss her desperately, no more school run in's, no more of her beautiful face in the aisle of foodlion, no more visits from her and her kids at my work on Friday nights :(
She is, 'going in her own way' now....
I am sad for me, but proud as hell, and hopeful as hell for her....
Sometimes a fresh start, a new beginning is just what a person needs to kick start their life.
No one knows this better than me.
Dana, I am going to write you a thousand letters and stalk you on facebook and you will be seeing me in Texas - I have some kick ass cowboy boots that are always looking for an excuse to come out of the closet and strut - this is not an end for you and me sister - we are long haul material - HA wouldn't GS would hate that ;)
And now I am kinda sad, but happy too.
I want nothing more than for people I love to be happy, even if it means I suffer for it. That's what love is, isn't it?
Wanting what's best for someone even if it isn't necessarily what is best for you?
I have had a lot of practice in this department over the last three years - I am good at it now and so I will be good at for Dana too as she bids me farewell....
I love you Dana and I know you love me too. Good Luck Baby xoxo
Now I am crying and so enough of this -
Go get em' girl.....