I woke this morning thinking about the start of a new school year and running down the list in my head of all the things that I need to accomplish before the munchkins and myself, oh wait, and Brian, and Kevin, begin a new school year - ugh - so much to do and get in order....
Those thoughts quickly led me elsewhere - thoughts themed with 'new beginnings'...
I have been in a new beginning place for several years now as I try to dramatically change the course of my life and actually live a life that feels "right" for me. This is a challenging prospect and often means drastic change.
Sixteen years ago, I was driving over a bridge in Waterville, Maine - I was listening to Dave, #41 was blaring from my car stereo, I was on my way home from the Colby college track - I remember this moment in time with such clarity that I am positive I do, because it was a defining moment in my life - a crossroads - whatever you'd like to call it....
A feeling crept up from toes, a tingle, a burning sensation even, it started deep down inside of me and moved up slowly as I sang my theme song at the top of my lungs "I will go in this way, and find my own way out" - the feeling moved slowly and yet speeding right up to my gut and hit me like I had been received a sucker punch unexpectedly to my abdomen. I held my breath as the burn reached my heart - "I won't tell you what to be, cause it's coming to much more - it's ME"...
And I knew, in that instant - my toes knew, my guts knew, my heart knew and my mind knew - all of me converged in a 'knowing' that seconds previous, I had never even considered....
I went home, walked in the door to my house, dropped the keys on the black granite counter, stood with my hand on my hip and my head high and proclaimed to all my family "I am moving to Virginia"
They all looked at me like I was smoking something suspicious, and then when realization hit that I was dead serious and my mind was made up, their faces changed to 'She's gone mad'.
Yup I had gone mad alright - mad at my life and it's dead end course.
Time for a change.
I remembered this time fondly, all the excitement, all the fear, all the "OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING's??" all the bewilderment in the faces of people I love as I sold off my belongings, fought my Ex in court for the 'right' to leave Maine with our kids and packed up my shit with no real secure plan in place.
I am ballsy to say the least - I go with my gut when my gut says go.
And this memory and my theme of new beginnings brought me right to my dear friend Dana, as she, has grown some balls of her own and is about to leave Lake Monticello behind for her fresh start...
Of course I do not want her to go.....But yet I do, because I know her path has diverged.
My Dancam and I, well we had a rough start - funny to think about the animosity we grew from... How stupid and yet, the perfect beginning to 'our story' - hilarious actually, perfectly hilarious and fitting.
I won't tell that story, that is just for me and her, but I will tell you that, in the end, I got a friend that I never expected and I am a better person for it.
Dana and I, are the kind of friends that barely ever see each other because our lives are stupid busy and there is just no time to spare - we used to see each other every day when we were both cycling and pumping and running religiously, but school for both of us (she went to college too) has minimized even those meetings and eventually I settled for seeing her for two minutes before our classes at the same end of the building began, ugh...
Or, I would get up to pee mid- class and find her pacing the hallway, avoiding something in English class that made her want to blow her brains out :) - I loved that surprise each and every time it happened.
I will miss her at school and HOPE that she moves forward with her education in Texas....(insert parental sounding throat clearing here)
At any rate, even though our time together was limited in recent years, we still loved each other well and supported each other in a special way that sustained me through tough moments of self doubt.
A midnight text would come "I love you" - how did she know I needed to hear that?
I would send one as I drove by the gym and thought of her cute round butt on the bike in front of me, "I miss your hot ass"
A smiley face back at me....
Etc. Etc. Etc....
May sound like not much, but to me it was a lot - a whole lot.
She is my friend and I love her with all my heart.
She never failed to show up when I needed her most and for that I will always be eternally grateful.
I will miss her desperately, no more school run in's, no more of her beautiful face in the aisle of foodlion, no more visits from her and her kids at my work on Friday nights :(
She is, 'going in her own way' now....
I am sad for me, but proud as hell, and hopeful as hell for her....
Sometimes a fresh start, a new beginning is just what a person needs to kick start their life.
No one knows this better than me.
Dana, I am going to write you a thousand letters and stalk you on facebook and you will be seeing me in Texas - I have some kick ass cowboy boots that are always looking for an excuse to come out of the closet and strut - this is not an end for you and me sister - we are long haul material - HA wouldn't GS would hate that ;)
And now I am kinda sad, but happy too.
I want nothing more than for people I love to be happy, even if it means I suffer for it. That's what love is, isn't it?
Wanting what's best for someone even if it isn't necessarily what is best for you?
I have had a lot of practice in this department over the last three years - I am good at it now and so I will be good at for Dana too as she bids me farewell....
I love you Dana and I know you love me too. Good Luck Baby xoxo
Now I am crying and so enough of this -
Go get em' girl.....
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