A heavy teeter.

Another late evening blog after a really long day at work....
I should just go to bed...but, my mind is still awake with sorrow and appreciation.
I am still shaken and unsteady on my feet, reeling right alongside my community members at the loss of sweet Alli.
I had to tell my younger children tonight - again, we knew her, not well mind you, but we knew her.
Death is so hard for me to comprehend/understand, how do I thoughtfully explain it to my young children so the severity of the loss penetrates, the finality of death communicates (hoping somehow it instills caution of some sort) without however, making them afraid, making it too dark, hurting them unnecessarily?
Ugh I just don't know.
I stopped myself often today, in the midst of normal moments, work moments, brushing my teeth moments, waiting in line at the coffee shop moments - I paused on purpose and thought about Alli's Mother - where is she now? What is she doing now? How must she be feeling? does her head pound from all the crying or is she numb?
Why you ask? Why did I think of her, why all these questions?
Maybe a little sick, maybe a little morbid you consider?
I made myself do it - made myself remember that there is a woman in my world, in my community, down the road, that is not my friend, not my sister, not my next door neighbor even - she is just another MOTHER like me - and she has lost her child...
Made myself remember her pain so that I would appreciate the LACK of mine.
Perspective.
I made myself stop and think 'Dear God, give Alli's Mom whatever it is that she needs to survive this pain'
And then I thought....how do you survive the loss of your own child?
Perspective.
I have nothing to cry about, all my kids (for the moment) are alive and well and safe and sound.
And with that....my eyes spill tears for that wounded Mother's broken, displaced, empty heart.
Jesus Help her, and of course her Dad too...
Throughout my day, I also thought a lot about teenagers and how much I love them. How I continue, year after year to form personal relationships with kids much, much younger than I. Real friendships, a genuine love, respect and reciprocal care.
Teenagers are awesome - so much exuberance, so much hope, so much promise.
I have come to dearly love a lot of teenagers from the pool - A lot of lifeguards, a lot of swim coaches, a lot of snack bar employees.
I love a lot that are current and a lot that have grown up and gone to college who I now only see once in a while, compared to every blazing hot, summer afternoon.
I missed one in particular today and texted her to tell her so.
I said, 'you are special to me and I just wanted you to know' - she texted me right back - because even though we are twenty years apart in age, we are REAL friends.
I am grateful that in addition to my own great children, I have the pleasure of knowing and adoring so many other great kids and young adults...
I am lucky to be loved back by so many crazy beautiful teenagers, unless of course they all just humor me with their kindness because I am so pitifully old and un-cool?
If that were the case, (which it isn't) I think I would love them all the more for their sympathetic hearts - either way, I count myself lucky...
I wish I could keep them all safe, wish nothing tragic would ever happen to them, ever.
Ugh.
There go the eyes again.
I have learned that life is no more or no less than a balancing act. The human heart teeters between joy/gratitude and pain/loss throughout it's ticking time.
Life becomes beautiful wreckage when you realize the true balance is found in the turbulent co-existence of emotions that literally equal each other.
Perspective.
I force myself to think about things just this way, all the damn time, so that I live as present as I can in each and every moment.
Just in case, life tips my scale or a shoe drops from the sky.
I wish it were not this way, so fragile, so uncertain, but it is - if it were not, it wouldn't mean as much (they equal out, see?)
I don't know if it is normal to force myself into serious contemplation all the time - wait, yes I do, it's normal for me.
Heavy heavy teetering heart.
Thoughts of Alli, her grieving family, fantastic friendships with amazing teenagers, appreciation for receiving love, and also, for being capable of giving it wide open...
Goodnight xo