The Cave

Good Morning, wow it has been a long time since I started with such a normal greeting.....Hey All. So just now I changed my facebook picture and also hit the Allman Brothers "Melissa" on my ipod. I am singing aloud at the kitchen table while the kids sleep watching the comments roll in on facebook regarding my picture. It's Halloween last year - I was the RED QUEEN "off with her head!" My sweet Emma was Alice, her Dad was the Mad Hatter, Matt was a BlACK Jack from a playing card and Lauren (Emma's BFF) was the WHITE QUEEN. We were so badass it wasn't even funny - we all took on our roles so effortlessly - I kinda think Emma should change her name to Alice, like for real. And what exactly is in her little bottle anyways? I made each and every costume (less Lauren's) by hand. Thrift stored the under garments and then got to work with hot glue and materials - playing cards got hand stitched on to my dress meticulously. I wanted them to woosh when I walked for added badassness. It was pretty awesome. The year before we were a family of Monsters and again - believable to disbelief. Our make up was off the hook, a benefit of growing up on a stage. One of my favorite years was when Emma and Matt were Queen Guinevere and Lancelot. I was Velma from Scooby Doo - I looked like I walked out of the cartoon, hilarious. I went to have lunch with Gwen and Lance that day in full costume with my giant scooby Doo under my arm, a box of scooby snacks in hand. Nothing quite like walking through an elementary school as the awkward, brilliant crime fighter - Jinkies. It was so much fun, making the kids laugh or double take - the pointing. My kids love when I show up at school causing the coolest scene. Like the time I volunteered to be the girl in the sword box at the illusionist show we went to last year - I yelled to them from the stage, "I love you kids, don't forget me." and blew kisses to the audience as I bowed for my last curtain call. I could see Emma from inside the box - she thought I was going to be sliced to pieces for real - the smile on her face to find me still whole and laughing with the magician - a priceless moment in my life. Mom is whole - JOY. It was awesome. I was just now remembering how later in the Velma Halloween day,I took the brats out to Gordonsville to see Nana and Papa at the nursing home. Nana was in love with the queen and her secret love - she swore all that holiday season that there was an ornament on the Christmas tree in the sun room of Emma and Matthew as Lancelot and Guinevere.... There wasn't really but in her head it was there every day and she could see it. (God Bless my Nan, I miss her so much...) At any rate - I go all out. Always have. When I do something I spare no small detail. I was just thinking I really hope I write that way? I really hope you guys get in the grain - like my new blog photo. My favorite detail, the beach sand lingering on my toes. That was why I chose it - the graininess that makes up the back story that really is more important than anything surface. Mumford and Sons just came on, my IPOD is shuffling now - luck of the draw. "And I need to know how to live my life as it's meant to be" "And I will hold on hope and I won't let you choke on the noose around your neck" "And I will know my name" And with that I feel the need to find a door frame and stretch like a cat in the sunspot on the back of the couch mid afternoon. Meow. "And I'll find strength in pain, and I will change my ways".........(god I love this f'ing song.)

Becca, Ben and Deb = laughter.

I had a great night tonight, truly. After work I drove to the pizza place to grab grub for the brats, then I headed out to Ben and Becca's to hang out. Most of the night the three of us sat on the porch, me rocking steadily in what it now MY chair. It is starting to like the feel of me as much as I like the feel of it. The three of us laughed and laughed and laughed while the kids played and played, despite Ben's paranoia over the copper heads and the frog scent left on the kiddos.... Copper heads eat frogs and apparently kids. It was hotter than hell tonight and Ben kept wiping the top of his bald head with his t-shirt, bitching relentlessly about the heat. Every once in a while Rebecca would go inside and leave Ben and I alone - we began to argue instantly about the do's and the don'ts of marriage, parenting and the blended family dynamic. Ben and I argue like siblings, I always win - he always shakes his head in defeat, head hung low "I don't know Deborah" - "Sure you do Benjamin, so shut the fuck up and do the right thing...." He smiles. I decided tonight that it is very possible Ben and I were brother and sister in a different life - we have a great friendship, one that just grows more steadily. He makes me laugh hysterically - sometimes he says the funniest shit - but mostly I laugh because he laughs at me - can never believe the shit that comes out of my mouth, the layered and perfect way my brain works - a story teller with a big freaking mouth just like him. We are brother and sister - I am the the older sibling and I am the alpha female so he has to listen. I always tell him how it is and...that if he hurts Rebecca I am going to have to Selph him and cut his head off for real, for real. Ben is husband to one of my dearest friends, sure - but I will cut him, no doubt if he does my Becca wrong....He won't, if not for his immense love for her and desire to do right by - but for fear of me, especially now that he has seen me in fighter mode - he is genuinely surprised by bravery and badassness, maybe my crazy is more than he expected? Becca, well not so much.... Tonight I said something so wrong it was right and we three knew it - my build up was steady, the layers working smoothly one paint stroke on top of the other - the dimension divine - when I finally hit with the punch line - finished the master piece, they were both doubled over and Rebecca said "there's the Deb I know" - You're all dying to know what I said - I cannot tell you for fear of a law suit and screen play offer - we will suffice it to say Norman Bates came up and a particular reverse cowgirl. Ben actually said, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA a little pee came out" Becca knows my hilarity and also knows my toughness. She always has, she has been one of my most consistent cheerleaders. She is far more reserved that me, she is the observer type, she takes every single thing in. So funny, when we were gym rats years ago - the two baddest ass chicks there - other people were actually intimidated by us - me and my out going self and Becca and her quiet watchful self. People were always wondering what we were up to.... she and I have been through so much - endured so much by each others sides. Tonight watching Gabrielle as she sat on the arm of Rebecca's chair - I saw Gabs little - six years ago - she was little. Now she is a pre-teen and looking like one - before we know it she will be sipping a glass of red with Rebecca and I at some restaurant talking about college and her newest boyfriend - Time it sure does tick on. Several times tonight I thought about how sad it was that there were four people missing from this scene. The group of us would have laughed so much - had so much fun - grown ups and kids all in love. I was sad for what he was missing, what he has given up that he never even realized he had. Friendship - real friendship is fantastic. He never got to hear Ben and I argue like siblings - he would have loved that as much as Ben and I do. How nice it would have been for the four of us to return to the porch in the summer warmth, enjoyed being adult friends and loved ones. Thing is...I get them regardless. Rebecca I will always have for she and I are family - Ben....well that m'fer gets to stick around and be my brother is he takes good care of my family - I can get a machete too Ben :) I feel lucky, even amongst the great sadness that is felt by the missing four. I know that I am true - and I know that I am valuable. I feel it there on the porch laughing my sick ass off with my friends. It was a good night despite the ghosts around the house - the ones I can feel missing me on the wind. Wind only counts for so much, real friends and real laughter count for more.... Tonight was a good night.

last word.

oh and real quick - double standards??? Fling shit all about everyone else and then cry about getting a FRACTION back? Man that's is weak. And that, is officially my last word on that gang - go away now three blind mice, no one here on my blog cares about you and your running - time's up.

just to clarify (my blog has become an episode of cheater, JMJ)

Ahhhh apparently someone thought I would stop blogging, stop writing? I think this shit is comical, really I do. My Ex boyfriend just sent me a forwarded email from his biggest enabler - it said "Her blog is still up and she's writing again....She's in love again.... With herself" I laughed my ass off so hard - coming from those two ego maniacs, that is literally hypocrisy at it's definition. I was also told by my ex that I made a fool of myself by taking down the blogs I had written when I was professing love and my desire to fight for my man. He thinks I was embarrassed by a grateful change of heart??? To clarify for the three people who read this that will think their perception is accurate (everyone else who reads knows me too well) - Um yeah I was embarrassed for sure, more ashamed than anything....I was ashamed that I allowed myself to get involved in this psycho drama that has been going on with other cast members since the first curtain was lifted - like forever ago. I was not this drama - I became it, gave myself to it, believed the hypocrisy I was fed because I have this problem not realizing when darkness just likes itself so damn much. I gave up my power, my morals, my ideals. Yeah I was embarrassed, just NOT because I looked wide open and hurt and raw. I, unlike you - have no problem dealing with real - I work the steps of growth rather than sit in shit and point fingers - and yes.... I am in love with myself - so much so. And... only a broken spirit, especially a female will turn 'self love' into selfishness. All the women who challenge baby boy are selfish, I know, so I have heard from EVERYONE. Hahahahaha. Oh my. And so that was all I really had to say - I told my EX we are good now - they two, maybe three, think I am worthless. Me and my all in love with myself self, in great company of friends and my children, well we think that you are worthless too. We are even, nothing left to talk about. Everything ends well - we wash our hands of the others threat and walk on. I threaten your dysfunction and you threaten my happiness. ALL GOOD. The End..... If it annoys you L, stop reading :)

For the woman behind me.

Today is my wife's birthday - as gift for me on her special day, she called me from PH and she and James put me on speaker phone and they sang/played honeyhoney's Don't know how. I sang along even though there was a slight delay - it made me smile from ear to ear, my heart was all a glow, shining hard and bright in my cheat. I love that kind of smile, the light literally radiates from my eyes - I know they are burning,glowing, even without looking. I then decided, I would take my son up on a drink, he had texted me earlier today - come meet me tonight for a drink, it's on me. I hesitated, as I was submerged in things at the house - but I decided to go, go toast my wife on her birthday all these many miles away. I don't EVER go to bars - I remembered why, almost immediately. Sitting next to this awesome 24 year old kid named Salvo - I said "wow dude, this is a dark place" He laughed knowing exactly what I meant, we went shoulder to shoulder, bumping each other in an 'I know right?' We watched together like students, studying the people gathered at the watering hole - it was pathetic, all the misery and desperation. I got a real rise as I recognized that look. That look had become very familiar to me as of late, the slow moving head, the far away eyes, the slur, the failure and the regret. Man do I know that look. As we studied longer, moving from man to man - we noted that they were all watching me as though they shouldn't be, making eye contact briefly and then looking away quickly as though they had been caught doing something bad - they looked away with shame for having been found out. I laughed aloud as I realized that it was every man - even the one with women by their sides. It was what I was talking about in my last blog - I am something special, making friends, making people laugh, engaging in conversation for real - none of it because I am trying to make myself feel better about how miserable I am - it's the Deb glow - it's what I do everywhere - no alcohol or desperation required. I sipped my one Jameson on the rocks, and felt more of the darkness lifting off of me - I misbehaved and sent a text I shouldn't have, but it was all in fun, no sadness attached to it - I know who I am. That is the difference between me and the recipient - who I am is cream of the crop. I am inside and out, the best it gets and I can look at my reflection every morning and not feel ashamed. The black is steady lifting and it feels so gooooood. I then thought about what it means to go woman to woman - man to man - it's straight up desperate. I need no one but me and my kids to be okay. A man that is researching female prospects before another is out the bed is just the lowest of low life form - a man who cannot stand alone - in my book, that is the definition of coward. When I put things into perspective about my situation of late - I am relieved to discover that I did not lose love or a best friend. I loved, I did everything genuine and to the best of my ability (which is straight up badass.) Someone who has "profiles" that are fabrications, and 'in' box friends of every flavor aren't men - they are lonely losers who need attention to feed the beast of their vacant egos. I think it's so pathetic, it's actually laughable, I am really laughing. Took me a hot minute to get there, but damn hasn't the haze of misery really drifted down South and left me North of that stench. I am feeling so so much better. Earlier in the day - I talked with my boss about being held accountable for doing the very best that I am capable of - not taking half my effort even though the pay off is quite big with that - make me step up top the plate, ALWAYS in the zone, tell me less than my best is unacceptable. I am preparing to do the same with my education, I am going to gobble those degrees up and keep earning summa cum laude distinction while I do it, because I am brilliant - talented. Nothing less than my best in school - EVER again, the last semester was like a slow agonizing death of my potential. My energy misdirected on the crazy trains descent to hell. I am going to swear off any one other than my kids and my friends - I have no time to waste on anyone other than them, especially the brats. I need to find my healthy Mother again, the one who doesn't smoke, doesn't use her cell phone unless it is to make a call and really I don't need to call anyone cause Emma and I have books to write and party dresses to sketch. I have nothing for noone but them. I learned from this experience to never waste my light on dark - to instead reserve the gift for those who already possess it and just need mentoring. My kids have the light and they need mine to shine the brightest to show them how it's done. Can't be her if I am worrying about unworthy men and their two enablers, talking incessantly about a light they do not see. There is no amazing grace "I was blind but now I see" going on here - don't waste my time on people who don't know what the fuck that means. I am waging a war on myself, this bullshit has got to stop - it is time for me to attack my potential, and then guard the results for the elite of spirit. Sorry, but most people make me sick - there is a small few that rise to the occasion - do for others - care for others - fight the good fight - I am connected with that percentage and as far as I am concerned, everyone else can go to hell. Now, in addition to not giving a rats ass what anyone thinks about my truth - I am going to start yelling my truth at the top of my lungs and not give a shit about the noise ordinance either. They way I intend to do that is to take my life by it's balls and be happy. When I succeed, my power will be unstoppable. Assholes and bar fly's best get the hell out my path. I keep thinking of the saying "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" - but in this case... I scorned myself and that is bringing a wrath to the surface that is unparalleled. It is one thing to be pissed off at other peoples failures, it is something all together different to have been your own worst enemy, taking your own self out. I am profoundly disappointed that I did not expect more from myself knowing full well it is what I deserve, what my kids deserve....I am fixing me with a fury. A lot of people are intimidated by my raw honesty - I cannot help it, it's what God made me, I won't apologize for being about REAL. I am proud of who I am and I am ready to let that show. SIGH, it feels so good to have a plan because when I have a strategy, I always arrive. It's just what I do. So tonight on my wife's birthday I think this here blog is the best present I could give her. A little reality laced with shit talk - her favorite. Happy Birthday my Love - the woman behind the woman. And what a beautiful mess this is....

I have been lost.

So real quick, I just wanted to say to those of you who watched me fall apart recently, I finally see things the way you do - I have been looking at this entire situation ALL Freaking WRONG. Thank you to those of you who surely want to beat their heads off the wall after watching me act like such a complete ASS backwards HOLE. Oh my God to my friends....YOU ARE THE MOST PATIENT GROUP OF PEOPLE ON THE PLANET. Especially my Mary, good lord. I actually had the epiphany just now while on the phone with her - she is in Prospect Harbor down by the wedding alter on the shore. Chris Ross a brilliant musician from Maine (a Ray Lamontagne type) is playing in concert at her house and I am on speaker phone - his first live telecast state to state show...Who the hell has a magical place like PH in their life, a house full of the coolest ass people you will ever meet - EVER - Kids and tradition, a field of dreams - who has that and knows that every bit of it loves them and that even when they are 600 miles away - they are there in the heart of every person, every breeze that lifts off the shore, every smile of every face??? I do. I have that. Not only do I have that, but I have the coolest co-workers/family/sister/friends - My day at work was like crawling in to the womb of every single woman. Each one of them would take care of me like a helpless child if I needed them to - and I have. They will make me laugh, make me cry, hold me, lay on the wood floor behind the counter with me, feed me, cover for me, encourage me, rail me, support me, drink wine at work with me, conspire with me, lecture me, tell me how it is with me, tell me I am beautiful, tell me I am rare, love me. Today Jo, who is like my older sister, told me that I have no choice but to listen to her from this point forward. I clearly don't get how special I am and so now, not allowed to date until she and my boss approve - There will be an army of women standing between me and any unworthy man from this moment on. I love it. I am loved that much. And these women, my friends, they are the most unique, intelligent, beautiful badass women you will ever meet. And they all think that I am unique.... Not only do I have that, but I have a family that despite it's teenage dysfunction, is a place of great humor, camaraderie, care and love. My kids make me smile, our hilarity is my favorite part of us - our music - our color - our conversations - our connectivity. It is really quite something and everyone of them would reattach the cord and keep it connected to me for all of time if they could. My kids suck me dry, because they can't get enough of me. And that leads me to me......HAHAHAHAHAHA that leads me to my own account of what I myself have to lean on in me. Well....I am Deb and there is no one else in the world quite like me. I have a way - a way that penetrates deep in every person that I come in contact with - if you get a little Deb I leave a lasting impression that will never be compared to again - you will hang on every word I say and remember them. If you get a lot of Deb, well than you're sunk, fucked, blessed. Unless you have to live without me, than you're just sunk and fucked. If there is music playing, I become it - the words become my voice, my spin on them, my facial expressions, the twinkle in my eye - hands up in the air dancing, hips swinging - the smell from the kitchen, the temperature on the breeze, the ceiling fan that whirs over head, my perfume. If there is conversation, it's just the best you ever had. If there is laughter you will think there is nothing quite as fantastic as watching me lose my shit, taking the scenario sicker and sicker as I laugh harder and harder and beg for it to stop - enough - hysterical laughter, the light in my smiling, crying from laughing too hard eyes. Whatever it is in the scenery, it becomes a part of me rather than me a part of it. If I love you - well than you will never know a tenderness, an honesty, a freedom like mine. I know this because every person, every man I have ever loved is still in my life - from 25, 30 years ago - and every single one of them would do ANYTHING for me. I have all that. I have been seeing this entire mess as a mess that leaves me in a heap, How completely, totally, thoroughly wrong I have been. I am irreplaceable. I am a beautiful that is unparalleled. I am a unique that the word unique can't even begin begin to convey....Years ago I didn't know this - I battled it while everyone around me went "geez Deb come the fuck on, really?" I was damaged by a lot of people in my life who were unworthy and pointed the finger in my chest - I forgot for a long time who I was. I have almost 13,000 hits on my blog - people read me religiously - I am adored by my professors - my fellow students, kids and adults alike. Damn. Great kids, amazing friends, a perfect smile..... what the fuck? I just forgot - I have been seeing this all wrong. Today - not for one moment did I feel anything less than special, until I thought about this mess. Not once, did I get hung up on, not once was there bullshit, not once was I faced with a moral dilemma that left me feeling dirty. I have lost nothing, I have been lost - and really...I was the one to say "I can't do this." I was not the one who ran and hid behind the safety of a cycle, a new distraction. I returned from the shit storm to Prospect Harbor via speaker phone, to my dear friends, my cool ass kids, my second home at the shop, ALL my blessings which have ALWAYS been there because I am that amazing. I have lost nothing, I have been lost....It may not smart just yet, but it will. And when it does, I will be kicking ass and taking names as usual, bathed in love I have never lost - I don't lose love - I only give it and take it away when unworthiness deems it's time. And with that Chris is playing Jack and Jill, I gotta whoop, snap my fingers and dance. Later.

Let there be light.

There have been two times in my life where a divine intervention has occurred. Once when I was pregnant with Matthew and the girl in the wheel chair defined my mission for me - the weight lifted off and I received my answer. The second was in a dream several years ago where I argued with an Angel who reminded me very much of an aura of a Greek God - not man, not solid, a silvery transparent being that asked me - "what do you really believe?" There were no pretty wings on this one, he was quite imposing and frightened me - he was trying to take a little blond haired boy out of the chariot where we sat. I argued with him "No" - this makes no sense to me - why a child has to die - this cannot be the proper order of things - I so profoundly disagree with childhood death. The angel explained to me that there is a tedious balance and who am I to question God's divine plan - reminds me of the book of Job a little. At any rate - I challenged the angel in my dream "Not on my watch you won't take him" which ended before I knew if I had succeeded in sparing the little boy - the boy was no one that I recognized, not my child, not a child I knew. I woke from the dream drenched in sweat and shaking - called my Nana to talk with her about it as I was truly shaken and she claimed to have a direct line to God and so who better to go to for some comfort or perspective - I was upset most of all that the Angel had told me I was not in fact dreaming - I was conversing with God himself through him - that this was the way it went and didn't I already know all this, hadn't I prayed to God to heal Matthew's brain and what the heck was I so confused, distraught about - didn't I believe when I hit my knees in the hospital chapel that there was someone really listening??? Who was I asking to heal my baby if not God??? I was profoundly disturbed by this dream and struggled to find my answers which came to me several months later as a chubby little blond toddler waded in the water before me at the lake, unattended and unwatched by his parent. In short, he waddled on at the shore line, getting a little deeper and a little further away that I was comfortable with, as I sat nursing Emma in my beach chair - head over my shoulder searching for a Mom I could not find anywhere on the beach. The little boy went under and almost drowned. I struggled to find him in the water, the horizon line and angle made it nearly impossible to find where he had disappeared to, when I got to him he was laying, eyes open, looking lifeless and still from the bottom. Not on my watch I had told the angel. Not on my watch - not the little blond boy. I called Mary after I returned home that day and recounted what had happened how nauseous I was, how horrified, how traumatized Matthew and his friend Maggie had been. No correlation made at that moment to the dream months and months previous. Mary called me later that night "Um, not on my watch, not the little blond boy???" There is a God - this I know for sure. I took a religions of the world class my fourth semester in college - it expanded my knowledge of religions, we went clear back to the first one in Africa, the aboriginals, worked our way through time, spanning the globe. God is a concept that varies so much, so many religions, concepts, practices make sense to me, that to nail down one idea of God is something I am just not capable of. I was raised an Irish Catholic, it was serious business in my home. I will tell you that in a Northern cathedral - like at home in Boston, I feel the closest to God - other than in my own head - but I believe that is more the tradition of it than anything else. For me God is a higher power - God is an opposing force to evil - God is the voice in my head we call a conscience. There is no better place to find "GOD" than within your own self (in my opinion). For the longest time now - I have felt the opposing works of good and evil at war. They have always been at war - they will always be - however, in recent years the demise of values has increased, increased so much, that most days I look around me and feel literally frightened by what I see - I feel humanity is being swallowed up by everything that is not important, Human beings have lost their way, internal moral compasses are desperately off kilter and the human race is folding in on itself. There is a division occurring between the light and the dark - gray area is disappearing, the time has come for humans to pick a side. With all this talk of the end of the world, I have prayed on whether or not that is what I feel happening - is that what all the excessiveness is about, all the hatred, all the pornography, all the child rape, all the sexism, all the child neglect, all the technology that keeps us from humanness , all the materialism, all the disrespect, all the disregard for our planet, all the addictions, all the war, all the everything....Not much is going right. Is this the beginning of the end? I have no answer for that still - What I have found is a firm belief that a shift is occurring, without a doubt, the division between good and evil is filtering. I have always known that I am good - the ugliness in the world has always hurt me more than most people I know - since I was a little girl, I have felt sensitive to the pain of humanness. Because I am this way, I have lived my life as graciously as I possibly can. I am polite, I am respectful, I am generous, I am kind, I am giving, I am well mannered, I am fair, I am balanced on concepts of equality - I am willing, I am accessible, I am love. If you know me, you know that I give off a strong light, a light that is rare, a light that is bold, a light that makes everything in it's path appear more beautiful. Having this light and also being gracious has been both a blessing and a curse for me my entire lifetime. The light attracts good, but also attracts evil. I am never quite sure if the evil wants to better itself in my glow or if it wants to extinguish it, either way it is challenging to be me, extremely risky. I have always felt that my light is threatened and that forces who are threatened by it - want to snuff me out, silence me, steal my smile, my laughter, my spirit. Every day on this earth, I have been battling to keep my flame lit. Today in the midst of a nervous breakdown of sorts, my friend Rachel who is one of my spiritual sisters - she passed a knowing energy to me through a hug. I cried and cried, explained that the last few weeks, few days, I feel as though my very spirit is being threatened - an evil so strong, so seducing, so powerful and manipulative, had turned me inside out leaving me more vulnerable than ever to being destroyed, that I myself could not feel my glow - was not sure who I had become - couldn't find my own voice, the voice of God. I said to someone recently or maybe even here in a blog, the events of late had me feeling as though every pain, every hurt, every heartache that came prior to now, was me working my muscles for this very moment in time - all the pain was in preparation for the real fight for survival of my enduring spirit and soul - which today, I was in hysterical fear I had lost. Compulsion had hold of me, my eyes no longer saw truth, my mind was flooded in moral compromises, I could no longer see true beauty, I was fooled by denial, had given myself up without a fight to everything that I knew was wrong, I had willingly deluded myself, wanted to turn darkness to light at the risk of losing myself in the process. I said "I feel like I am walking the thinnest of lines between good and evil, a high wire that is frayed and compromised, the fibers snapping, I am dizzy and afraid" Casey and Rachel reached for me, held me in their words and their arms, held me in their energy and I heard the voice of god speak to me loud and clear - it was my voice - it grew louder as the love of my friends encircled me and pulled me off the thin line to the side where I have always been and always belonged, I was released form the hatred and illness almost immediately - it lifted off of me, all the darkness and I felt free again - safe again - whole again. I have learned a valuable lesson of late from my newest and freshest enemy - the most powerful darkness I have come up against yet.... You must never ever ever compromise yourself, you must always listen to the voice of God, you must always listen to yourself first, never let anyone - no matter how much you think you are sparing them in your sacrifice - NEVER let someone else drown out your voice, if you do - you give up God, you give up light and you choose the void, the lonely, black darkness. I have never in all my life come so close to losing myself as I have in the last six months, the last few days. I knew what I saw, I knew what I felt, it felt all wrong, it was way too dark, way too ugly, way too sick, way too evil and yet - I walked the thin line anyways, convinced I could hand up my enemy, who's only true purpose in courting me was an attempt to gain my power to feed his. He used my beautiful light to feed his black soul. I am beautiful, and I don't mean looks. I am a beautiful spirit, I have the most beautiful light. My purpose here in this life is to share that light with others. I will never share my light with darkness again, no matter how beautiful it may appear - I will only share my beauty with true inner beauty - use my strong powerful light to make the light of those around me burn brighter. I am needed by a caliber of people who are elitists in a spiritual sense - we know what it truly important about this life, what is valuable, the fundamental difference between right and wrong, good and evil, light and dark and survival of humanity depends on people like us. I may have been intervened with again today - not quite sure, but leaning in that direction as I felt the sickness literally rise off my skin as though the hand of God was washing me clean. I definitely slow danced with the devil though, was temporarily mesmerized, I became like him for a time, lost sight of my children, my purpose, my best effort, my true spirit, my beautiful light. I am grateful tonight to have people in my life that hung on to me and pulled me out of evil's grip - people who know me, have known me for a long time, people who believe in me and believe in the power of my goodness. I will say it again - I am blessed beyond belief..... The darkness is lonely, as no one with any kind of light can stick around in that hellish existence for too long, it is simply no place to be, no kind of life to live.....Hell has a revolving door....I choose to stand still and firm in my light. When the time comes for my end, whether it be sooner or later - whether humanity collapses tomorrow or the day after, I will be safe on the right side (despite "religion")I will be alongside people who chose to live whole, chose to live true, chose to live right, chose God's voice to be their own....