I have been lost.

So real quick, I just wanted to say to those of you who watched me fall apart recently, I finally see things the way you do - I have been looking at this entire situation ALL Freaking WRONG. Thank you to those of you who surely want to beat their heads off the wall after watching me act like such a complete ASS backwards HOLE. Oh my God to my friends....YOU ARE THE MOST PATIENT GROUP OF PEOPLE ON THE PLANET. Especially my Mary, good lord. I actually had the epiphany just now while on the phone with her - she is in Prospect Harbor down by the wedding alter on the shore. Chris Ross a brilliant musician from Maine (a Ray Lamontagne type) is playing in concert at her house and I am on speaker phone - his first live telecast state to state show...Who the hell has a magical place like PH in their life, a house full of the coolest ass people you will ever meet - EVER - Kids and tradition, a field of dreams - who has that and knows that every bit of it loves them and that even when they are 600 miles away - they are there in the heart of every person, every breeze that lifts off the shore, every smile of every face??? I do. I have that. Not only do I have that, but I have the coolest co-workers/family/sister/friends - My day at work was like crawling in to the womb of every single woman. Each one of them would take care of me like a helpless child if I needed them to - and I have. They will make me laugh, make me cry, hold me, lay on the wood floor behind the counter with me, feed me, cover for me, encourage me, rail me, support me, drink wine at work with me, conspire with me, lecture me, tell me how it is with me, tell me I am beautiful, tell me I am rare, love me. Today Jo, who is like my older sister, told me that I have no choice but to listen to her from this point forward. I clearly don't get how special I am and so now, not allowed to date until she and my boss approve - There will be an army of women standing between me and any unworthy man from this moment on. I love it. I am loved that much. And these women, my friends, they are the most unique, intelligent, beautiful badass women you will ever meet. And they all think that I am unique.... Not only do I have that, but I have a family that despite it's teenage dysfunction, is a place of great humor, camaraderie, care and love. My kids make me smile, our hilarity is my favorite part of us - our music - our color - our conversations - our connectivity. It is really quite something and everyone of them would reattach the cord and keep it connected to me for all of time if they could. My kids suck me dry, because they can't get enough of me. And that leads me to me......HAHAHAHAHAHA that leads me to my own account of what I myself have to lean on in me. Well....I am Deb and there is no one else in the world quite like me. I have a way - a way that penetrates deep in every person that I come in contact with - if you get a little Deb I leave a lasting impression that will never be compared to again - you will hang on every word I say and remember them. If you get a lot of Deb, well than you're sunk, fucked, blessed. Unless you have to live without me, than you're just sunk and fucked. If there is music playing, I become it - the words become my voice, my spin on them, my facial expressions, the twinkle in my eye - hands up in the air dancing, hips swinging - the smell from the kitchen, the temperature on the breeze, the ceiling fan that whirs over head, my perfume. If there is conversation, it's just the best you ever had. If there is laughter you will think there is nothing quite as fantastic as watching me lose my shit, taking the scenario sicker and sicker as I laugh harder and harder and beg for it to stop - enough - hysterical laughter, the light in my smiling, crying from laughing too hard eyes. Whatever it is in the scenery, it becomes a part of me rather than me a part of it. If I love you - well than you will never know a tenderness, an honesty, a freedom like mine. I know this because every person, every man I have ever loved is still in my life - from 25, 30 years ago - and every single one of them would do ANYTHING for me. I have all that. I have been seeing this entire mess as a mess that leaves me in a heap, How completely, totally, thoroughly wrong I have been. I am irreplaceable. I am a beautiful that is unparalleled. I am a unique that the word unique can't even begin begin to convey....Years ago I didn't know this - I battled it while everyone around me went "geez Deb come the fuck on, really?" I was damaged by a lot of people in my life who were unworthy and pointed the finger in my chest - I forgot for a long time who I was. I have almost 13,000 hits on my blog - people read me religiously - I am adored by my professors - my fellow students, kids and adults alike. Damn. Great kids, amazing friends, a perfect smile..... what the fuck? I just forgot - I have been seeing this all wrong. Today - not for one moment did I feel anything less than special, until I thought about this mess. Not once, did I get hung up on, not once was there bullshit, not once was I faced with a moral dilemma that left me feeling dirty. I have lost nothing, I have been lost - and really...I was the one to say "I can't do this." I was not the one who ran and hid behind the safety of a cycle, a new distraction. I returned from the shit storm to Prospect Harbor via speaker phone, to my dear friends, my cool ass kids, my second home at the shop, ALL my blessings which have ALWAYS been there because I am that amazing. I have lost nothing, I have been lost....It may not smart just yet, but it will. And when it does, I will be kicking ass and taking names as usual, bathed in love I have never lost - I don't lose love - I only give it and take it away when unworthiness deems it's time. And with that Chris is playing Jack and Jill, I gotta whoop, snap my fingers and dance. Later.