Let there be light.

There have been two times in my life where a divine intervention has occurred. Once when I was pregnant with Matthew and the girl in the wheel chair defined my mission for me - the weight lifted off and I received my answer. The second was in a dream several years ago where I argued with an Angel who reminded me very much of an aura of a Greek God - not man, not solid, a silvery transparent being that asked me - "what do you really believe?" There were no pretty wings on this one, he was quite imposing and frightened me - he was trying to take a little blond haired boy out of the chariot where we sat. I argued with him "No" - this makes no sense to me - why a child has to die - this cannot be the proper order of things - I so profoundly disagree with childhood death. The angel explained to me that there is a tedious balance and who am I to question God's divine plan - reminds me of the book of Job a little. At any rate - I challenged the angel in my dream "Not on my watch you won't take him" which ended before I knew if I had succeeded in sparing the little boy - the boy was no one that I recognized, not my child, not a child I knew. I woke from the dream drenched in sweat and shaking - called my Nana to talk with her about it as I was truly shaken and she claimed to have a direct line to God and so who better to go to for some comfort or perspective - I was upset most of all that the Angel had told me I was not in fact dreaming - I was conversing with God himself through him - that this was the way it went and didn't I already know all this, hadn't I prayed to God to heal Matthew's brain and what the heck was I so confused, distraught about - didn't I believe when I hit my knees in the hospital chapel that there was someone really listening??? Who was I asking to heal my baby if not God??? I was profoundly disturbed by this dream and struggled to find my answers which came to me several months later as a chubby little blond toddler waded in the water before me at the lake, unattended and unwatched by his parent. In short, he waddled on at the shore line, getting a little deeper and a little further away that I was comfortable with, as I sat nursing Emma in my beach chair - head over my shoulder searching for a Mom I could not find anywhere on the beach. The little boy went under and almost drowned. I struggled to find him in the water, the horizon line and angle made it nearly impossible to find where he had disappeared to, when I got to him he was laying, eyes open, looking lifeless and still from the bottom. Not on my watch I had told the angel. Not on my watch - not the little blond boy. I called Mary after I returned home that day and recounted what had happened how nauseous I was, how horrified, how traumatized Matthew and his friend Maggie had been. No correlation made at that moment to the dream months and months previous. Mary called me later that night "Um, not on my watch, not the little blond boy???" There is a God - this I know for sure. I took a religions of the world class my fourth semester in college - it expanded my knowledge of religions, we went clear back to the first one in Africa, the aboriginals, worked our way through time, spanning the globe. God is a concept that varies so much, so many religions, concepts, practices make sense to me, that to nail down one idea of God is something I am just not capable of. I was raised an Irish Catholic, it was serious business in my home. I will tell you that in a Northern cathedral - like at home in Boston, I feel the closest to God - other than in my own head - but I believe that is more the tradition of it than anything else. For me God is a higher power - God is an opposing force to evil - God is the voice in my head we call a conscience. There is no better place to find "GOD" than within your own self (in my opinion). For the longest time now - I have felt the opposing works of good and evil at war. They have always been at war - they will always be - however, in recent years the demise of values has increased, increased so much, that most days I look around me and feel literally frightened by what I see - I feel humanity is being swallowed up by everything that is not important, Human beings have lost their way, internal moral compasses are desperately off kilter and the human race is folding in on itself. There is a division occurring between the light and the dark - gray area is disappearing, the time has come for humans to pick a side. With all this talk of the end of the world, I have prayed on whether or not that is what I feel happening - is that what all the excessiveness is about, all the hatred, all the pornography, all the child rape, all the sexism, all the child neglect, all the technology that keeps us from humanness , all the materialism, all the disrespect, all the disregard for our planet, all the addictions, all the war, all the everything....Not much is going right. Is this the beginning of the end? I have no answer for that still - What I have found is a firm belief that a shift is occurring, without a doubt, the division between good and evil is filtering. I have always known that I am good - the ugliness in the world has always hurt me more than most people I know - since I was a little girl, I have felt sensitive to the pain of humanness. Because I am this way, I have lived my life as graciously as I possibly can. I am polite, I am respectful, I am generous, I am kind, I am giving, I am well mannered, I am fair, I am balanced on concepts of equality - I am willing, I am accessible, I am love. If you know me, you know that I give off a strong light, a light that is rare, a light that is bold, a light that makes everything in it's path appear more beautiful. Having this light and also being gracious has been both a blessing and a curse for me my entire lifetime. The light attracts good, but also attracts evil. I am never quite sure if the evil wants to better itself in my glow or if it wants to extinguish it, either way it is challenging to be me, extremely risky. I have always felt that my light is threatened and that forces who are threatened by it - want to snuff me out, silence me, steal my smile, my laughter, my spirit. Every day on this earth, I have been battling to keep my flame lit. Today in the midst of a nervous breakdown of sorts, my friend Rachel who is one of my spiritual sisters - she passed a knowing energy to me through a hug. I cried and cried, explained that the last few weeks, few days, I feel as though my very spirit is being threatened - an evil so strong, so seducing, so powerful and manipulative, had turned me inside out leaving me more vulnerable than ever to being destroyed, that I myself could not feel my glow - was not sure who I had become - couldn't find my own voice, the voice of God. I said to someone recently or maybe even here in a blog, the events of late had me feeling as though every pain, every hurt, every heartache that came prior to now, was me working my muscles for this very moment in time - all the pain was in preparation for the real fight for survival of my enduring spirit and soul - which today, I was in hysterical fear I had lost. Compulsion had hold of me, my eyes no longer saw truth, my mind was flooded in moral compromises, I could no longer see true beauty, I was fooled by denial, had given myself up without a fight to everything that I knew was wrong, I had willingly deluded myself, wanted to turn darkness to light at the risk of losing myself in the process. I said "I feel like I am walking the thinnest of lines between good and evil, a high wire that is frayed and compromised, the fibers snapping, I am dizzy and afraid" Casey and Rachel reached for me, held me in their words and their arms, held me in their energy and I heard the voice of god speak to me loud and clear - it was my voice - it grew louder as the love of my friends encircled me and pulled me off the thin line to the side where I have always been and always belonged, I was released form the hatred and illness almost immediately - it lifted off of me, all the darkness and I felt free again - safe again - whole again. I have learned a valuable lesson of late from my newest and freshest enemy - the most powerful darkness I have come up against yet.... You must never ever ever compromise yourself, you must always listen to the voice of God, you must always listen to yourself first, never let anyone - no matter how much you think you are sparing them in your sacrifice - NEVER let someone else drown out your voice, if you do - you give up God, you give up light and you choose the void, the lonely, black darkness. I have never in all my life come so close to losing myself as I have in the last six months, the last few days. I knew what I saw, I knew what I felt, it felt all wrong, it was way too dark, way too ugly, way too sick, way too evil and yet - I walked the thin line anyways, convinced I could hand up my enemy, who's only true purpose in courting me was an attempt to gain my power to feed his. He used my beautiful light to feed his black soul. I am beautiful, and I don't mean looks. I am a beautiful spirit, I have the most beautiful light. My purpose here in this life is to share that light with others. I will never share my light with darkness again, no matter how beautiful it may appear - I will only share my beauty with true inner beauty - use my strong powerful light to make the light of those around me burn brighter. I am needed by a caliber of people who are elitists in a spiritual sense - we know what it truly important about this life, what is valuable, the fundamental difference between right and wrong, good and evil, light and dark and survival of humanity depends on people like us. I may have been intervened with again today - not quite sure, but leaning in that direction as I felt the sickness literally rise off my skin as though the hand of God was washing me clean. I definitely slow danced with the devil though, was temporarily mesmerized, I became like him for a time, lost sight of my children, my purpose, my best effort, my true spirit, my beautiful light. I am grateful tonight to have people in my life that hung on to me and pulled me out of evil's grip - people who know me, have known me for a long time, people who believe in me and believe in the power of my goodness. I will say it again - I am blessed beyond belief..... The darkness is lonely, as no one with any kind of light can stick around in that hellish existence for too long, it is simply no place to be, no kind of life to live.....Hell has a revolving door....I choose to stand still and firm in my light. When the time comes for my end, whether it be sooner or later - whether humanity collapses tomorrow or the day after, I will be safe on the right side (despite "religion")I will be alongside people who chose to live whole, chose to live true, chose to live right, chose God's voice to be their own....