A quickie is in order.
This last week has been a tough one, but, a good one none the less.
I find myself realizing things that maybe I already knew, but didn't know or consider unemotionally.
I am approaching things in my life right now without a lot of emotion - it helps tremendously to see how I fan my own fire and do that whole knee jerk reaction thing I was talking about in an earlier blog.
I am seeing the steps necessary to retrain my brain and break it from a cycle of outer and inner inflicted abuse.
This may be the most raw and honest I have ever been in my life - it feels good, really good.
I feel curiously calm, and curiously strong.
I am approaching my life one day at a time, literally - for the first time ever, NOT considering anything beyond just today.
It is very interesting living like this - for me, the cart before the horse girl.
I think it is a necessary strategy for my survival and healing.
Get up, kids on bus, take handful of vitamins with OJ, shower, dress work or school, home, dinner, dishes, make lunches, hugs and braids and reading with kids - bed.
No freaking out and worrying.
No crying uncontrollably about things and people I cannot change.
No chaos or disorder.
No bullshit.
It feels good.
I am accepting the things that I cannot change and changing the things that I can.
I am in a good place as hard as it is.
The sadness may finally be leaving this equation.
Now, what to do about the hope?
Hope. hmmmmmm - now that is a tricky concept that needs a lot of unemotional evaluation.
But,my never ending pitfall of hope is not on today's to-do list so maybe it will get some time tomorrow?
For today - study for exam (have not done yet) and hand in final project (in my hand) and go to last class at 5:30 (Thank you Jesus.)
All that separates me from some down time is a humanities exam, a big ass paper and an English final.
I cannot wait for my life to just be consumed by housework, kids and work. Sounds like a vacation to me.
My day is almost done,
I can almost cross another day off my YOU DID IT LIST.
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It's funny how much lighter the load becomes when you put down what you don't need to carry, good for you.
ReplyDeleteooh i like that comment... put down what you don't need to carry. this was a great one, deb!! thanks for keeping me up too late again. :)
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