See me, feel me, hear me.

Well, it's official, my internal alarm clock does not understand Sunday is my only freaking day off....
I have been up for a long while now, staring at my bedroom wall over-thinking - time to just get the hell up and be done with it.
I am emotionally drained and feel physically beat.
Yesterday was a tough day emotionally, my past and present collided again.
Dan and I had a conversation where I was spoken to like I was worthless and sure enough as the day wore on,
I began to feel invisible.
Like putting on Harry Potters invisibility cloak in slow motion.
Even though, I was at work where I certainly don't feel invisible with people who see me as anything BUT.
Regardless, little by little I felt my self worth fading into the black abyss of a very melancholy mood.
I was intermittently teary, my playfulness shot to hell, my reflection screamed "you're worthless" every time I passed the three way mirror in the back of the store.
I heard it three times in fact "you're useless, you're worthless you're invisible"
Damn, you say. She is really fucked up.
Well - yes and no.
I KNOW that these things are not true (finally I know)
BUT what I discovered yesterday, is that my reaction to being treated that way, the way I FEEL is a reflex, just like when the doctor hits you with the rubber hammer below the knee cap.
I have been conditioned from childhood and my relationship with my Mother to FEEL worthless when I treated as though I am.
It is a reflex I need to unlearn, I need to teach my brain a more accurate and healthy way to ward off other peoples negativity, especially when it is intended to make me feel like I should shrink away into nothingness.
There are probably some of you who don't understand why this problem is especially awful or likewise unique. A lot of people are damaged from childhood, a lot of people struggle with self worth.
All I can tell you is that for me, this is huge - this was an epiphany when it comes to my own behaviors.
I realized that worthlessness is my primary human/emotional reflex.
No matter how many times your doctor hits you with the damn rubber hammer, no matter how much you know it's coming, you see it swinging, your leg jerks reflexively.
I am that way emotionally when it comes to myself.
I am surrounded by the most amazing people. People generally speaking (throat clear) enjoy me, love me, laugh with me are entertained in my presence.
I have accomplished great things - do great things or others constantly - give - achieve - survive - love, yada yada
and YET,
the hammer of "you don't matter" gets swung at me,
and all of the good I KNOW I possess,
FEELS invisible reflexively.
EVEN, when I am completely (and this is important) aware that the axe is being swung because of the other persons inability to DEAL with their own feelings.
And so...
With this new realization - I have to roll up my sleeves and get super busy trying to figure out how exactly I can un-train my psyche to go there.
I think I am going to need help with this - not sure I can figure out this strategy alone.
I have to (again, sigh) go back to little Deb and her childhood and rip the scab off the cavernous wound in my heart which is not only my absent Father, but more importantly and painfully, my present but ever absent, Mother.
I would rather do anything than get wade into that sea of misery - but I KNOW that I must, to retrain the brain to not go worthless.
It starts with her and ends with Dan and I must must must overcome the pain.
I bawled my eye balls out yesterday. I chain smoked too.
I am abusing myself physically to cope with the emotional and it is not working and I MUST stop this old pattern before I die from it.
I feel like I have cinder blocks sitting on my chest, one for each lung.
It is bad - really really bad.
when it comes to Dan and my Mother, what I have accepted is that I may never get the recognition for my suffering.
I may NEVER get to be a part of their epiphany moments, the one's where the allow themselves to acknowledge and accept responsibility for how they have hurt me.
They may never have those moments - may NEVER face what they have done to me, may never apologize, may never say "I'm sorry," may NEVER say "I love you Deb oh God let me please fix this before it's too late"
I believe this may be the case as much as I pray (as much for their sake as mine)that this is not the final outcome.
Life is too short to not fix things - my Mother has three daughters, not two and four grandchildren who she would really really like, a lot.
I have trouble with that - a lot of trouble.
How a Mother cannot love her own child and Grandchildren?
But oh, I am not going there now - I do NOT want to cry that hard this early in the morning.
My Mother is toxic for me, I know this, but it hurts just the same to not be loved by your own Mother.
Enough said.
Like my husband.
Hurts like hell.
Like HELL.
And speaking of Dan, I think I should acknowledge something that he said to me last night.
He said that I am defaming his character on this blog.
I was not aware that he ever read it, but okay - let's discuss.
I do not believe that I am.
I know in fact I am not.
I am sharing my life in a journal format - I am honest and in my mind, air on the side of privacy way more that I could.
I feel raw honesty is always best, why do anything else - isn't that lies?
But whatever - I said "well maybe you are uncomfortable with the way you are being portrayed because it simply is not pretty to look at?"
That is the reality.
But let me clear things up for him.
Dan is not a monster.
Dan is a broken man.
And, I may add, with good reason - which, I will not share specifically because that would be a violation of his privacy.
He has suffered yes, but NOT dealt with his problems and pain.
In turn, Brian, Kevin and I, have become the places where his DISPLACES his blame, anger, sadness and frustration.
He, like me, needs to go back to little Danny and rip off the scab - get in there and do the work.
He has potential to be a great man and great person - everyone does.
He has HURT me terribly.
And, unfortunately, consistently.
Our marriage is a mine field - he is a mine field - I WAS a mine field.
For ten years I have screamed "we need HELP!"
For ten years he has looked for ANYTHING, ANYONE, ANY EXPERIENCE to dull the pain and fear of what he faces individually and what we face, collectively as a family.
Naturally, none of it has worked because, no amount of alcohol, shopping or attention/sex from other women, can give any man the validation they can only give themselves through hard work and eventually, self respect and pride.
I am angry, sure.
Blazing hells fire angry.
Why wouldn't I be?
That is not defamation of character - it is simple put, the reality.
He has a problem with alcohol.
I have a problem with shopping.
He has a problem looking elsewhere for validation.
I have a problem looking to him for validatiion.
He has had affairs.
I had an affair.
He has hurt my kids.
I have hurt my kids.
He has neglected me terribly.
I have told him he makes me sick way more than I ever said "I love you Dan"
I wouldn't never make the choices he has made.
He would never blog to the free world about his life.
He is broken.
I was broken for the majority of our marriage.
He is not a monster.
I am not a monster.
Here is the thing....
When you have two broken kids who become two broken adults who get married and don't work to glue themselves and each other back together, you get a lot more shattered pieces.
We are in shards.
Is it anyone's fault?
It started generations ago, it certainly didn't start with us.
We however, are to blame for what we do now.
And there is work to do.
I am all about the work, I find it to be a great relief....
I love when a burden is lifted and set free to fly - feels so good.
Like day - time will tell.
I hope you all do not think I am an awful person who is defaming my husband.
I think I am being honest - it's my life and I can write about it if I want, I have earned that.
I believe that if more people honestly communicated about the reality of themselves their lives and everything they face - we as a human race, would heal and get closer - we are a selfish and desensitized lot, we could use a little more empathy and that only is possible in sharing.
maybe I am nuts - I dunno.

I certainly have no idea where I went with this blog....
I will say - I believe my blogs are valuable - I believe I am doing something fearless here and I am proud of myself for being so willing to share my journey with you.
I AM JUST HUMAN.
Off to face my day - I hope yours is blessed and peaceful.
Oh and for those of you wondering - Nana is stable and holding her own. She's a ninja I tell ya, a freaking Ninja.