sweet and sour

What a strange day it has been....
My family waited all day for Nana to go into the surgery that was supposed to occur first thing this morning. This afternoon, after many many many tears on my part (nerves from the situation with Dan coupled with lots of impending grief) I received a message from my sister that Nana was on the surgical floor BUT the doctors were on the phone with my mother because they were REQUIRING us as a family to revoke the DNR for the surgery.
My family feels strongly that if she codes on the table, we do not want her resuscitated, the likelihood that she would be further impaired seems pretty probable under those circumstances.
So....after waiting on the phone with my sister Ashleigh for what felt like an eternity, the decision was made to NOT go forward with the surgery, the DNR must stay in place.
My Nana will be treated with antibiotics for now, if it works, it works and if not hospice will be called in and she will be made as comfortable as possible while nature runs her course.
I am exhausted, full up with mixed emotions that feel like a tug of war of monumental proportions is going down inside my gut.
My childhood is haunting my adulthood, I am plagued with flooding memories of small details from my life - the kind of details you only think about when someone from that time is preparing to go forever.
I thought of the silverware drawer today, could hear the sound of the metal rails scraping as I pulled it out.
The indented circular brass door pulls on the sliding door to her closet.
The silver high heels that lived on the shoe rack I always wore for dress up, the buckles were big and square and ridiculously fabulous.
The bottle of CVS brand vitamin E that was in the bathroom medicine cabinet FOREVER.
The details keep coming, one on top of another - things I may have never actually THOUGHT about until today.
How often does one think about the sound the silverware drawer makes? Not often - it just makes the sound and it becomes 'the sound' and it just is one of the millions of familiar sounds of life.
The silverware drawer at 43 Willoughby made a very distinct noise - it echoed in my head all day today.
I wish I could pull that drawer one more time, grab a tea spoon, walk into the dining room, heap some sugar in my bone china tea cup and sit on MY chair at the table (between Mom and Papa) with one leg folded up underneath me and eat one of Nana's cookie while she sat smiling with her green sweater and holiday turtle neck framing her face and show casing her crystal Christmas tree earrings.
I wish so badly, I could go back for just one more cup of tea at that table in that room in my house.
I am grieving terribly while we wait.
I guess she does not get her perfect day of peace after all, sigh - very mixed emotions...
In addition to Nana's issues - I am also dealing with my own - go figure...
Today, Dan was here and it was all bad for me.
I am not sure if I can articulate why specifically - let's just say, that I would be better off to NOT have to look directly into the face of blankness.
It hurts to NOT see remorse, sadness or (and most of all) a desperation to want to make it right.
And selfishly, let's put the kids aside for a minute, it is devastating to me as a human being, a woman, a wife.
He looks right through me as if I weren't even here.
As much as I would like to say that I am immune to that pain, I am not - it hurts, hurts more than I can put into words.
It feels like I am reliving the moments right after I discovered he was cheating - I don't matter, I am not enough of whatever matters to him, I am worthless, I am meaningless, I am invisible.
Now, after years of work on me - I do KNOW that this is not the reality.
I know that it is him and he is entirely broken.
I know he has nothing and feels nothing - I know that it has NOTHING to do with my worth
BUT, it hurts just the same.
I think it is human nature to want someone who has hurt you to recognize and care enough to make it right, right?
I mean when you are utterly destroyed emotionally by the actions of another person, don't you long for them to realize and do EVERYTHING in their power to fix it?
He looks through me and it hurts.
Getting past this is going to be tough - this is why so many people say they would rather a death than a divorce.
Death is final, he will be here again in the morning....
And, he will be hung over to boot which will piss me off even more - the only friend he has, the person he is staying with is a raging alcoholic.
Booze is life blood over there - neither one of them want to feel a real thing if it means facing pain.
He CANNOT give up drinking as much as he says he has it "under control" - he cannot give it up for the kids or me or himself, he doesn't even dare say that he WON'T drink because deep down he knows he CAN'T succeed -
I love the way drunks act like the sober party is the one with the problem.
One visit to AA and he'd see himself all over the room - I even offered to go with him and he said "I don't have a problem"
classic.
I am getting upset again, angry and so I should stop.
The anger hurts me jaw.
I am really sad and completely disappointed.
It took 17 years to get this sad - I hope the hell it doesn't take 17 more to get rid of it all.
Mary reminded me, "don't waste any more of your good years" - she means at some point the hot factor will fade.
Humph and I thought she knew me better than anyone - I will be 80 with swagger to spare -
I am kidding - I get what she means.
Cut the pain loose.
I am going to work on that after I get some much needed sleep.
I am thankful for this life - thankful for all of you who read about it.
Goodnight kittens, goodnight mittens....