I am experiencing a time that I was never sure would come to fruition; as I have explained previously, little land mines are usually exploding all throughout the planned itinerary that Mary and I have mapped out. Nothing ever goes as it should and with that I knock on wood and I am not even the slightest bit superstitious. Knock knock.
So far we have gotten safely to PH and nothing earth shattering has happened.
We did forget the printer chord which is definitely freaking me out a little, it's hard for me to proof all my writing on the computer while in a literal working word document. I lack tremendously in the patience department when it comes to reading my own material - I get three lines in and want to set it on fire or make it into confetti - I need Mary and Karen to proof me and to red line the hell out of what is working and what isn't...
Yesterday I wrote my ass off. I literally did it waves as the tides of my thoughts rushed in and pulled out.
When I was done giving birth to each section as it left me, I took a break from the writing and listened to music too loudly, rocked in the rocking bench with Mary on the deck while she worked or lap danced the invisible man that can handle my flavor to some Aretha Franklin - If I were a lap dancer professionally (and I so could have made that a lucrative career, just sayin') I would choose all the old school soul to seduce to. I don't know where I am going with that...
At any rate - I took breaks in between the birthing process and tried to give my head time to calm down.
For me, my best writing just explodes out of me - the lines come so rapidly, I panic a little if I am not near my computer when it begins. Yesterday, it happened while I was in the shower and I spent the first forty five minutes writing dripping wet in the sun room in my towel - my hair dried just a tad funky because of that chapter.
Writing for me is very physical - my body literally hurts today from the stress of the creative process - Mary and I did some yoga yesterday at some point too - the yoga helped a lot, but still, at the end of the day I felt as though I had climbed a mountain.
The emotional place where I go to write is very intense - I have to get very raw, more raw than usual and that is a journey let me tell you what.
I am doing it though - writing and writing and writing just like we had planned I would.
I think my wifey is actually a little surprised at how much I got in the box and didn't come out - she was trying to force feed me lunch yesterday - "you need to eat something" An appetite is hard to come by when you are experiencing and emotional exorcism.
This morning as I woke thinking on the lines I remembered, I immediately began to self doubt and get all crazy in my head and worked up and thinking that I should ditch and re-write - i dunno start again. But, I can't....I don't know how to do this any other way than to just let it pour out, receive feedback, than proof and edit.
When I re-read my own words they sound different in the air than they did coming out of me - it's hard because I am familiar with them already and so I lose the new eye, the new heart when reading - that is what my girls are for - if only we had a printer chord.
I have like twenty of them at home in a basket somewhere - that does me no good to even consider.
As far as everything else is going, I am in heaven. The weather has been glorious - the smell of the sea air, the sounds of the ocean, the colors of the gardens, it is all perfection and I cannot argue with any of it....
I am spending a few days away from the kids, they are with Aunt Pam and this is a little stressful because I worry. I know they are fine and that they really need this time with their Aunt and it's good for them to break away form Mom a little bit, I just hate the longing and sadness I hear in Emma's voice when I talk to her at night and she misses me so. It's tough to take, being away from my girl when she needs a hug.
But we are surviving and probably thriving.
I know that for me, minus the worry about Em's and Matt, this time has been exactly what the doctor ordered for me.
I am here in the most perfect place in the world with my two favorite women.
We are living for four days like we would live, if we didn't have to live real life.
Mind you, we are not slacking by any stretch of the imagination, we aren't slackers by nature so even in the most luxurious of life scenarios, us three would still be knee deep in some project or another - we are simply together and letting the days happen rather than live up to them.
It is a fantastic state of being and I couldn't be any more in my element.
It rained last night while we slept and I can see the clouds burning off from where I sit typing in the sun room. I think today will turn out rather like yesterday - it was beautiful, the sun was bright and the breezes were a plenty.
I love the ocean. I love watching it move and watching all that is dependent on it, move around it.
The birds are singing a sweet song out the window and the lighthouse is more visible as the fog dissipates. Karen is in the kitchen cleaning up breakfast shit and Mary is on a conference call in the bedroom. Casey (the pup) is curled up asleep at my feet.
It's not so bad this moment in time - I think I will go soak it in and wish you all some moments with the same quality of peacefulness.
Have a blessed day
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