Maine Blog 3

Good Evening Bloggers, or should I say Morning? I think it’s one am, but I am not really sure due to the fact that I cannot currently rely on my poor phone to give me any accurate information and I am too far away from a clock to get up to look.
I am here in Prospect Harbor at the end of the world in bed next to my sleeping wife – she snores a little but in a cute way.
I cannot even pick a place to begin – there is so much in my head right now that it’s swirling about – I wish I had a lever on my head like a Vegas slot machine – where it stops is what it is.
I had originally intended to write about the last day – my psychotic day in Portland, psychotically hilarious and well spent, followed up by a great night at Bubba’s sulky lounge….There is so much great material there – Cameron’s hockey game at seven am in my pajamas with a dunkin donuts coffee in hand, shopping for dresses with Mofo, Mary and Courtney - Lunch at Uncle Bear and Karolyns – Laying on my back in the shade under a tree with a red wine buzz and Shawn and Mary - Our insane as usual trek through the hotel lobby with nothing short of the houses that home all the shit we are lugging - the great outdoor dinner with the interesting verbal assault from a random unhappy person, a techno dance a thon at Bubba’s sulky lounge….So, so so very much great material.
I had had the blog written in my head as I sat in the Hannaford parking lot with Casey smoking cigarettes and listening to the PH playlist on Mary’s IPOD – had the whole thing pre-constructed.
Then something happened that completely fouled up my organized topic matter and sent me on a tail spin – All the things I was going to give you details on, prior to the “event that happened”
Are extremely worthy of description in full hilarity and if I can get to a silly place, I promise, I WILL fill you eventually – BUT for right now the slot machine of my brain says it all on Pam and Emma.
My daughter is the love of my life – the thing that always fits with me, because she was carved from my very being. She is my sweet, sweet girl – and she is with her Aunt Pammy and away from her Mom. That’s me – Mommy (and she says it with all the tenderness a voice can communicate.
She misses me, especially at bedtime – she sleeps with me every damn night of my life – it hasn’t failed in almost eight years. She may start in her bed – but inevitably crawls into the empty space where she belongs and we, for a short time (8 hours if we are lucky) become one in the form of an unbreakable cuddle.
I am having a hard time not holding her – I imagine for her it is downright painful for her heart.
And yet, she is working through it like a brave little toaster and holding her own, Miss Independent ….She’s trying so hard. I am so proud.
She is there to visit her Aunt Pam who has breast cancer and is in the fight of her life – she knows that the love and time she shares with Aunt Pam, could potentially be really healing to Aunt Pam’s fighters heart – She is putting Pam over herself and working through her separation anxiety although she is fully aware I am a phone call and a car ride away….
Tonight she called pretty late, like eleven.
I could hear it in her voice she was shaky. Said the bed smelled like me from when we slept in it the other day and it made her heart hurt with longing.
Oh my God – I love that gentle girl.
We talked about how proud I was of her, how great she is and that all she has to do is keep my share of cuddles for Friday when we would re-attach and catch up on many missed kisses and hugs.
I told her to give all she’s got to Aunt Pammy and save my share up for the Friday big dose.
I will admit, readily admit without hesitation that part of me wanted to go to her immediately and ease her missing – ease my missing – man I do miss her face.
But then the thing happened that I knew I had to write about….
She had a conversation with Pam, totally distracted away from me and any hint of lonely.
She asked Pam to show her the biggest star in all of the sky, all of the world…
And I could picture them wrapped in a blanket on the steps to camp, huddled together for warmth looking up into the night sky together in search of the biggest star.
I heard my sister in law, in the most loving and attentive voice tell Emma about the little dipper, a constellation lesson Aunt to Niece.
My eyes poured tears and I held the phone up to Mary’s ear too so that she could hear the beautiful moment my daughter was sharing with her very special Aunt.
I fell in love with them both all over again and wondered if when Emma located what she believed to be the biggest – did she wish on that star? Did they wish something together?
I will leave that secret for them to have….
I am in bed now but did spend a moment after the fact on the front deck looking up at the sky in silence.
I wished on a star that twinkled, a tiny twinkler in the company of some magnificently bright skymates.
It looked to me like it had gumption twinkling so furiously despite its size.
I squeezed my eyes so tightly and held my breath….
I wished for a cure for breast cancer first and foremost.
Selfishly I pressed on – I wished that every human being feels love like I heard in my sister in-laws voice tonight as she talked to my little girl.
Further still, that life would be full of moments, exactly like the one they shared tonight.
Love well and give it all away xo