B is for Beautiful Mess

Good Evening blog readers...
Guess what? I don't have to be anywhere or do anything the next 48 hours - sahweet.
For two weeks, school is no more.
I am so relieved.
I got up early this morning despite not having to be in class at 8am because I had a dermatologist appointment that I have been dreading - Good news, the tri-colored mole on my face is benign, no skin cancer - summer goddess is in the clear.
Funny thing happened, I momentarily fell asleep during the exam...
I guess being naked on my stomach and having someone touch every inch of my body was a little too much like a massage - God I need a massage.
I giggled sleepily and explained the state of my life to the Doc, he told me I was ambitious - what he really meant was insane.
Now that I know I am okay, I kinda cannot wait to soak up some Vitamin D - of course with a thick coating of sunscreen slathered on, I got the lecture by at least three people in the doctor's office - okay fine, SPF 15.
Then I went to a reading event at Mimz's school, then off to the grocery store where I dropped $250 on groceries (food will last like 3 days)
All throughout my day I was thrilled to not have to write any papers or read any books, thrilled to no end that I have nothing but a stack of bills due - no school work is a nice reprieve.
Although I was not focusing on assignments, I will admit I was fairly obsessed with grades - I must have logged in to check for grade postings at least 50 times today...
I am so impatient.
So far two have posted, an A in cultural geography and an A in African American literature, yesssss.
I am however, feeling a little disappointed with the 88 point total I see for psychology. Although it has yet to officially post, by my calculation this will earn me a B...My first ever college B. UGH...
I wanted to blame the teacher because he was impossible on so many levels, but Mary reminded me of the exam that I did not study for due to insomnia and therefore decided to pick the answers based on how happy they made me. I was not in a good way- sleep dep = irrational Deb.
Okay fine - I did less than my best for sure.
Truth is, this whole semester was a half assed effort at best.
It was all life interference - my personal shit was hectic and stressful to say the least.
Mom duty reigned supreme and my kids needed me - simple fact.
I know that all in all, I did my best with what I had left over to give - The last five months, if nothing else have been a lesson - I cannot do everything perfectly all the time - sometimes you gotta give less than you want to.
UGH - SIGH.
I will tell the truth here, I am beating myself up a little bit.
I am reflecting on how I maybe could have done it differently, given a little more, worked a little harder - but, I really do need to STOP THAT.
That is the old me who wants to obsess over failure rather than revel in my accomplishments.
Papa would say "I'm proud of you kid" and so in his honor I am going to be proud of myself too.
And with that I am tearing up, eyes are full with water.
I am proud of me, really proud.
I have four kids, I am forty, I have a job and I am a full time college student.
I am a rock freaking star - that's all there is to it.
So B be damned - Because I have gained more from these experiences than any grades or GPA can ever accurately define...
Yesterday I brought home the school literary magazine that features my first place winning essay - I have had the balls to put me out there and found that me = winner.
Most importantly, I have overcome the doubting me and that is the most monumental win of my life...
Better late than never.
And so, I will wait for the other three grades to post and not freak out when I see the B or my changed GPA -
Only pride, only pride, pride with no melanoma.
Blessings, sigh - Blessings.