For the woman behind me.

Today is my wife's birthday - as gift for me on her special day, she called me from PH and she and James put me on speaker phone and they sang/played honeyhoney's Don't know how. I sang along even though there was a slight delay - it made me smile from ear to ear, my heart was all a glow, shining hard and bright in my cheat. I love that kind of smile, the light literally radiates from my eyes - I know they are burning,glowing, even without looking. I then decided, I would take my son up on a drink, he had texted me earlier today - come meet me tonight for a drink, it's on me. I hesitated, as I was submerged in things at the house - but I decided to go, go toast my wife on her birthday all these many miles away. I don't EVER go to bars - I remembered why, almost immediately. Sitting next to this awesome 24 year old kid named Salvo - I said "wow dude, this is a dark place" He laughed knowing exactly what I meant, we went shoulder to shoulder, bumping each other in an 'I know right?' We watched together like students, studying the people gathered at the watering hole - it was pathetic, all the misery and desperation. I got a real rise as I recognized that look. That look had become very familiar to me as of late, the slow moving head, the far away eyes, the slur, the failure and the regret. Man do I know that look. As we studied longer, moving from man to man - we noted that they were all watching me as though they shouldn't be, making eye contact briefly and then looking away quickly as though they had been caught doing something bad - they looked away with shame for having been found out. I laughed aloud as I realized that it was every man - even the one with women by their sides. It was what I was talking about in my last blog - I am something special, making friends, making people laugh, engaging in conversation for real - none of it because I am trying to make myself feel better about how miserable I am - it's the Deb glow - it's what I do everywhere - no alcohol or desperation required. I sipped my one Jameson on the rocks, and felt more of the darkness lifting off of me - I misbehaved and sent a text I shouldn't have, but it was all in fun, no sadness attached to it - I know who I am. That is the difference between me and the recipient - who I am is cream of the crop. I am inside and out, the best it gets and I can look at my reflection every morning and not feel ashamed. The black is steady lifting and it feels so gooooood. I then thought about what it means to go woman to woman - man to man - it's straight up desperate. I need no one but me and my kids to be okay. A man that is researching female prospects before another is out the bed is just the lowest of low life form - a man who cannot stand alone - in my book, that is the definition of coward. When I put things into perspective about my situation of late - I am relieved to discover that I did not lose love or a best friend. I loved, I did everything genuine and to the best of my ability (which is straight up badass.) Someone who has "profiles" that are fabrications, and 'in' box friends of every flavor aren't men - they are lonely losers who need attention to feed the beast of their vacant egos. I think it's so pathetic, it's actually laughable, I am really laughing. Took me a hot minute to get there, but damn hasn't the haze of misery really drifted down South and left me North of that stench. I am feeling so so much better. Earlier in the day - I talked with my boss about being held accountable for doing the very best that I am capable of - not taking half my effort even though the pay off is quite big with that - make me step up top the plate, ALWAYS in the zone, tell me less than my best is unacceptable. I am preparing to do the same with my education, I am going to gobble those degrees up and keep earning summa cum laude distinction while I do it, because I am brilliant - talented. Nothing less than my best in school - EVER again, the last semester was like a slow agonizing death of my potential. My energy misdirected on the crazy trains descent to hell. I am going to swear off any one other than my kids and my friends - I have no time to waste on anyone other than them, especially the brats. I need to find my healthy Mother again, the one who doesn't smoke, doesn't use her cell phone unless it is to make a call and really I don't need to call anyone cause Emma and I have books to write and party dresses to sketch. I have nothing for noone but them. I learned from this experience to never waste my light on dark - to instead reserve the gift for those who already possess it and just need mentoring. My kids have the light and they need mine to shine the brightest to show them how it's done. Can't be her if I am worrying about unworthy men and their two enablers, talking incessantly about a light they do not see. There is no amazing grace "I was blind but now I see" going on here - don't waste my time on people who don't know what the fuck that means. I am waging a war on myself, this bullshit has got to stop - it is time for me to attack my potential, and then guard the results for the elite of spirit. Sorry, but most people make me sick - there is a small few that rise to the occasion - do for others - care for others - fight the good fight - I am connected with that percentage and as far as I am concerned, everyone else can go to hell. Now, in addition to not giving a rats ass what anyone thinks about my truth - I am going to start yelling my truth at the top of my lungs and not give a shit about the noise ordinance either. They way I intend to do that is to take my life by it's balls and be happy. When I succeed, my power will be unstoppable. Assholes and bar fly's best get the hell out my path. I keep thinking of the saying "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" - but in this case... I scorned myself and that is bringing a wrath to the surface that is unparalleled. It is one thing to be pissed off at other peoples failures, it is something all together different to have been your own worst enemy, taking your own self out. I am profoundly disappointed that I did not expect more from myself knowing full well it is what I deserve, what my kids deserve....I am fixing me with a fury. A lot of people are intimidated by my raw honesty - I cannot help it, it's what God made me, I won't apologize for being about REAL. I am proud of who I am and I am ready to let that show. SIGH, it feels so good to have a plan because when I have a strategy, I always arrive. It's just what I do. So tonight on my wife's birthday I think this here blog is the best present I could give her. A little reality laced with shit talk - her favorite. Happy Birthday my Love - the woman behind the woman. And what a beautiful mess this is....