I will bring you water.

It is ingrained in us,
the image of a perfect life.
It consists of a house behind a white picket fence, some beds of tulips by the door.
A slobbering dog, a pretty little laughing girl, maybe two, a strapping young boy.
A Mother and a Father wrapped arm in arm watching over the perfection they have created, smiling, beaming with pride.
Tidy and neat and perfect, unbreakable.
This is not the life that I was born into.
In a perfect world, this would have been mine - but nothing is perfect - in fact most things are askew - life is a journey to discover what YOUR perfect you is, and.... to fight for it. Dream it. Believe it.
I have found that my life, (as you all know) is an obstacle course, a never ending maze of discovery, challenges, hurdles, loss and most importantly - dreams.
In all the pain, in all the darkness, I have never lost my desire to dream big, aspire high - imagine that the balance of this world's ugly and beauty can manifest into a place where what you hope for, a peace in the space between, literally - becomes...
From behind the glass panes of my kitchen window, hands submerged in soapsuds, scrubbing the remnants of endless meals,
I have gazed into the sunrise and sunset of everyday, dreaming of my dreams, seeing them open ended, praying that one day I will feel them come to fruition - transfer from a longing to tangibility....
I fought to unlearn hating myself.
I fought to re-light the darkness of grief.
I fought to see a whole person in the mirror, rather than one half of something completely foreign and unrecognizable.
I fought to have skin where there was wounded flesh.
Fought to walk through the doors of my education and prove that these words in me are not crazy, they are love and they belong and they are wanted by those who are like me.
I fought to get up off the crying kitchen floor and put one of my dainty feet in front of the other and dance to the beat of my own drum - the soundtrack of my own perfect life.
I have done it - and I am ready.
I have a beautiful woman to thank, for believing in me and my dreams when I argued with her that they were stupid- reeled against them, tried to deny them, sabotaged them and accepted less than myself - which is, the dream. I am the dream - and she knew it all along and never gave up the war - never refused to carry my wounded self to safety, never did not nurse me back to a fighter stance, a warrior in a battle with only myself and no one else, never said Uncle - I give - just put down the shield and walk away.
I love her more than I can articulate - even at my best, which is clearly not today....
Today I sit before these keys, overwhelmed with emotions I could not sort if I wanted to - and the truth is, I really just don't.
There is a new peace in the frenzy of my fingers - there is not a lesson or a moral to my method, there is not a story or a punchline to my rant.
There is love.
Just love....
We are assaulted, we girls, with images of fairy tales - It starts with the picket fence and a beautiful loving Mother, it ends with a white horse, a dashing man - a castle in the enchanted wood.
We are doomed from childhood to only see ourselves this way - the swooning Cinderella type.
God do I swoon.....
I have heard from vast numbers about true love....How it reaches out from the utter cornflower blue sky, punches put sudden from behind a cloud and grabs you - cupid and an arrow, or some shit - one magical kiss and you know....
I have never put much stock in this - I have instead been sweeping up messy floors, picking up trash in dresses, hoping to will a Pulitzer Prize one day, teach my kids values that count, emulate MLK and exude if nothing else a kindness that is pervasive to every life I touch.
Princes are in England not in my world.....
And I won't even tell you that I have met a prince because that would go against my ideals of womanhood, our strength, our power, our messy Goddess-ness.
I have however, met my counterpoint in the Universe.
If I am fixed here in this very DEB place, than he is at the other end of the high wire - he will come across to me - me to him - meet me in the middle or just watch me as I pace back and forth with no real destination in mind, shaking his head saying "that's my girl"
I know this with all of my heart and I am blown away....
I am just plain blown away.
I did not see him coming, but now that he is here - he is all I see.
Because - in him, in his eyes - I see me, the other half of my soul.
you guys know me - I'm a spaz.
now I am a spaz in love.

breeze driftin on by

Good Morning,
I have like 35 seconds - I just want to say,
Birds flying high, you know how I feel.

Be blessed.

OUTRAGED

Today I was granted the gift of leaving work early to go home and put my face in the books - exam time is a rough time for me, especially end of semester dead smack in the midst of the holiday season.
People who work in retail, regularly want to blow their brains out through the month of December (for me I threaten suicide at least once a day - the constant holiday music makes me insane),add kids and finals and oh wait, marital separation to that list and I proclaim I am lucky to be alive.
I felt very blessed as I left work, even in the down pouring rain.
I decided this afternoon would be a great afternoon to make my favorite peanut butter hershey kiss cookies with Emma, shitty days inspire cookie baking - don't they?
So off I drove to food lion for supplies.
People were miserable every aisle I went down.
Rude, crass, bitching relentlessly on their cell phones, arguing with each other in the frozen food section,
when I smiled as I passed people, they ALL looked at me like I was fucking crazy.
I am just going to say it because it is true, I am NEVER rude to people, my manners never fall from grace EVEN when I am in a shitty mood - I may not appear as chatty but NEVER EVER rude.
My manners are built in and not subjective.
I was like "wow - can't wait to get home and bake some cookies with my Mimz - get the hell away from all the sour puss people who look, sound and act like they have a tree trunk up their ass.
I hauled my sixty (say what?) dollars worth of groceries out to the car,turned the key and the radio came on as I pulled away from the space.
I had on NPR because I cannot stand the filth and horrible music (is it music? - oh my I am old...) that was playing on Emma's favorite radio station hot 101.9 -
As I drove, wind shield wipers working furiously to clear my view, the news reported the death of a seven year old girl (I missed where she was from) who was found in a trash bag in the dumpster of her apartment complex. It continued, she died from blows to the head, repeated stab wounds and was raped.
She was seven, seven.
I pulled over to the shoulder of the road, images assaulting my mind, my stomach turning over, waves of grief racking my rib cage.
I put my forehead to the cool steering wheel and tried to breathe.
I began to sweat profusely, tears were filling and spilling at a rate that is unexpected even for a crier like me.
I sat there hyperventilating, trying not to die from lack of oxygen for a good ten minutes before I could ride on.
When I was able to move, I moved slowly and fought the images of Emma, fought with all my might to push her away, her beautiful innocence, her bright eyes, the sound of her purring as she cuddles me and rolls into the soft spot in my arms made just for her.
I am overwhelmed with emotion right now and all I can do is write about it.
I am pissed off and sad and confused and feel helpless.
What the fuck is wrong with people?
Who rapes little girls?
Who the hell gets off on stabbing a baby girl?
Hitting her in the head?
I can't stand it - I want to harness all my feminine power and crusade for this kind of shit to stop.
I don't want any little girl to ever be that frightened, that hurt, that dead.
A few years back in my ethics class for one of my projects, I researched the pornography industry, the black market selling of women and little girls, the number of sex slaves here in the United States.
I was shocked and horrified by the statistics and even more so when compared to other countries world wide,
not only is child pornography a leader in adult entertainment and a huge money HUGE money maker,
but we also (comparatively speaking) have an epidemic of violent sexual crimes and murders - we Americans lead the pack in objectifying the female body, even infants (6 months old), raping each others daughters and killing the little girl who lives in the same apartment complex.
WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?
Well, I will tell you my theory - (and I am proud to be an American so don't even backlash me that shit)
We as a society, as a human race, but especially here in America are devouring ourselves. Gluttony, self gratification, over stimulation, objectifying of women, lack of respect for human life etc. etc. is spreading like the plague.
I mean we live in a society where porn is accessible on your smart phone. Now the sick Motherfuckers who rape kids can travel with their clips and get stimulated to act on the fly.
We feed ourselves crap.
Everything is sexual.
Women and their bodies are constantly objectified.
Music is filth, filth right on the air waves - absolute blatant filth.
The mass media is giving us what we want and what we want is SICK.
I was flipping through the TV last night on my way to PBS and came across some reality show about little girls. "something ? and Tiaras?"
WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO WATCH THAT SHIT?
And if you do - I say get a life, because REALLY?
We have nothing better to do????
The human race is in danger - real danger and it frightens me.
People please do something.
I cannot stand it, a seven year old girl, beaten, stabbed and raped.....
That poor baby, that poor poor sweet baby.
All I can do is pray the sick sick fuck had mercy and knocked her out before ravaging and destroying her light.
Seriously, this is not okay, this is just not okay.

one heart, one love, one day

A quickie is in order.
This last week has been a tough one, but, a good one none the less.
I find myself realizing things that maybe I already knew, but didn't know or consider unemotionally.
I am approaching things in my life right now without a lot of emotion - it helps tremendously to see how I fan my own fire and do that whole knee jerk reaction thing I was talking about in an earlier blog.
I am seeing the steps necessary to retrain my brain and break it from a cycle of outer and inner inflicted abuse.
This may be the most raw and honest I have ever been in my life - it feels good, really good.
I feel curiously calm, and curiously strong.
I am approaching my life one day at a time, literally - for the first time ever, NOT considering anything beyond just today.
It is very interesting living like this - for me, the cart before the horse girl.
I think it is a necessary strategy for my survival and healing.
Get up, kids on bus, take handful of vitamins with OJ, shower, dress work or school, home, dinner, dishes, make lunches, hugs and braids and reading with kids - bed.
No freaking out and worrying.
No crying uncontrollably about things and people I cannot change.
No chaos or disorder.
No bullshit.
It feels good.
I am accepting the things that I cannot change and changing the things that I can.
I am in a good place as hard as it is.
The sadness may finally be leaving this equation.
Now, what to do about the hope?
Hope. hmmmmmm - now that is a tricky concept that needs a lot of unemotional evaluation.
But,my never ending pitfall of hope is not on today's to-do list so maybe it will get some time tomorrow?
For today - study for exam (have not done yet) and hand in final project (in my hand) and go to last class at 5:30 (Thank you Jesus.)

All that separates me from some down time is a humanities exam, a big ass paper and an English final.
I cannot wait for my life to just be consumed by housework, kids and work. Sounds like a vacation to me.
My day is almost done,
I can almost cross another day off my YOU DID IT LIST.

tired legs hangin free

It was my first instinct to complain about the infection I have brewing in my nose.
It hurts - yes - it does.
I could also bitch about the exhaustion I am suffering, it is bad, really bad.
But, instaed of going right to the negative (although I did mention it),
I will instead tell you that I made a delicious pot of beef stew last night and a pumpkin cake with amazing cream cheese frosting for dessert. I mention this because it is my dinner for the fam tonight.
All I want is to get home, pour a glass of red, ladle out a bowl of stew, put on my jammies and swab the inside of my nostril with bactroban and call this day done.
I will say, I am unbelievably calm.
I am unbelievably in control.
I am focused beyond belief.
Although something awful is happening in my life - it is not controlling my life.
I like it, like it a lot.
Clearly the cold I have, and the infection in the schnoz is no-brainer proof that I am run down and extremely susceptible to illness right now -
that is why I have not smoked at all, took a mess of vitamins today, drank a shit ton of water and orange juice and...yes ate my fruits and veggies.
I need to take care of me to stay strong and positive and on top of my game.
And I think that is literally all I have the energy to type - I am nodding off in the chair.
I would go smoke a cigarette, but that would be bad and gross and smelly.
Instead I will sit with my eyes closed, take a few deep breaths and picture myself healthy on a brisk walk in the sunshine.
And a steaming bowl of Nana stew.