The wheel keeps on turnin' - just not in my sky....

Have you ever looked at someone and wondered what the hell you were ever thinking to have given them the time of day - a second of that time, a minute, an hour, a decade?
That is where I am....On looking, and going WTF?
It is true that the me of then was such a fucking mess and messes were all I knew and I was therefore attracted to messes for the sake of familiarity - but honestly, I don't like messes at all anymore - not even Emma's piles of my clothes, high heels and feather boas which I find endearing in some way - but still, yup, nope, don't want it.
Back in the day I was used to being told I was a piece of shit by the central person in my world - I guess like I have already said, safety comes in what you know.
In the last few years, I have really out grown the need to be comfortably numb and familiarly miserable.
I have grown into a person that one, thinks I am awesome and two, if for whatever reason I doubt that or find I come up short somehow, I write my way through it, instead of seeking out a host of ways to retreat to the good old self hater who is okay with being abused.
I don't like mean people.
I don't like fake people.
I don't enjoy those who berate and be-little others.
I have found that although I do not like people who exhibit these behaviors - I DO feel pity for them.
Like extreme extreme extreme pity - especially those who have been running in the gerbil wheel exhausting themselves to get absolutely nowhere different, nowhere new.
I pity that. Don't you?
Anyone that insults, degrades, disrespects, and bullies, ONLY does those things to feel elevated above their victim.
That means in reality - they really feel lower than low.
This is the only reason that mean people are mean.
Self misery, self loathing, lack of self confidence and no change of scenery.
I pity that place in the world more than most others.
I was never mean to others before I got healthy emotionally - I was only mean to myself and boy, that is bad enough.
When you have to defecate verbally on your family members because you know they have no respect for your behavior or you, RATHER then fixing your issues - well then - Man.... you are really in a rough rough place in your life.
It's sad, it really is.
Good thing for me, is that I have also moved past the phase of the sympathy vote.
I feel bad yes, but want absolutely NOTHING to do with that kind of mess.
And with that I am smiling.
Because although some of you will think this is just me running my mouth,
there are a select few of you that no longer have to suffer the pain of loving me while I don't love myself.
We are finally.....on the same page.
Good to be on a page instead of in the wheel......