Did everyone have fun? I certainly hope so...So today, January 1, 2011.... A new year, a whole new chronology of life's relevant moments... Whatever will happen to fill the unfolding blank space this coming 365, and what will we all have to say about it? So much possibility...
I look at most things this way now, as I find myself aging into wisdom, what good or BAD will come my way? I am not a negative person mind you, just realistic and experienced.
This past year I did some serious shit. For the very first time in my life I made a declaration in my head, a statement of positive INTENT and I set forth with my goal in sight. I didn't talk about it much, at least my INTENT, I just privately plugged along at the process and kept saying in my head a personal mantra, like the Little Engine that Could - "I think I can, I think I can"...
To many I said, "Oh I just want to improve" (so bullshittingly humble), but to the head of the English department, I said with swinging balls of confidence, "Oh I don't want to just improve this year, I want to win first place, I want to WIN.
HA- LOVE so MUCH, that I DID.....
For me it wasn't so much about the writing contest as it was my INTENT and persistent follow through to make it happen. First time in my long ass life, the intent materialized into the win.
Admittedly I have a painfully long history of doubting myself out of any and all good intention.... In lovely 2010, I learned to silence my nagging doubt with solid, fixed intent to win. So take that, eat me, ha, gfy....
And to top off, I banged my finals out the park and pulled off, for the third semester in a row, my beloved 4.0 GPA (yee-f'n-haw) - The grade point average just another hidden agenda.
Recently, my best girl Mary sighs, "eventually you won't get straight A's and then what?" (meaning what will happen to my self esteem, my bar height, my fear of failure paralysis etc.) but I explained to Mary, it isn't about GPA....It isn't about too much pressure on myself, not about the perfect grades. For me in 2010, my GPA and my essay win became about not accepting LESS THAN I AM CAPABLE OF. I told the wifey, "I have been expecting too little of myself my whole life"- GAME OVER.
Unfortunately my balancing act tipped a little too far in the direction of physical gluttony and now I must do battle with my body again. The healthy me, is trapped inside a very over indulgent, unhealthy me. No more. I hate the belly flab, it makes me feel like I might be a typical forty year old. (I keep having dreams about middle aged, stress induced belly flab - it has a name?) um yeah no thanks, how about I run some stairs with the sweat pouring down my ass crack instead???
So, my New Years resolution will be the same as every other woman signing hope into a new years gym contract - Lose this 20 pounds and resume life as a bad ass - one who also knows a perfect (for now) grade point average and the meaning of purposeful intention <3
But what else??? What else can I do???
I will attempt to reign in all areas of excess, especially with possessions and food. I have too much, and too many, have too little and it bothers me tremendously. In 2010, after constantly feeding the homeless on the downtown mall, after being haunted by their presence, I took a good look at my closet and vomited. Truth is, no one really gives a shit what I look like, my beauty is inner..... I HAVE TOO MUCH SHIT and too little security because I am an over active, mindless consumer. The fact that I can make a statement like that, TOO MUCH SHIT and too little SECURITY is a GIFT. I have a choice to spend, some people have no choice but concrete beds.
I dislike. I am part of the problem/monster and I want to change that. I want to be selfless and save people. That is what pleases me most, lifting up those who have been leveled by some heartbreak or another.
New Years Resolution - REIGN IN EXCESS.
Chocolate chip cookies at Rev soup? NO !!! Two bucks in my pocket thanks and I think I will go for a run with Mr. A-Z instead :)
Instead of shop, maybe volunteer at the homeless shelter, maybe teach my kids to save the world since my years are dwindling...
In 2011, I would also love to get my shit together enough to finally write the CANARY MEMOIRS and learn to do a reasonable flip turn without swallowing 60% of the pool. I'd Love to spend five minutes in real time with my muse, hear about her life, realizations, new goals, hear her laugh. I want to spend Christmas and New Years 11 with the wife and kids, want to take the beach trip for Dyer's 40th. Want to PH for an extended visit, rub cream on some needy heels, talk at length with Leroi down on the shore and watch the sun set on the ocean tides with the people I love most. Work a foiled pole at WWW and maybe take in some live shows. Learn to salsa dance for real and get through a song in it's entirety with Kevin.....I would really like to hug my friend Tommy and tell him how glad I am that he is upright again :) Hold my Nan's soft hands and pass her the kleenex box. Oh and so so much more....
sigh.....
As always, no matter the year, I will continue to love loud and proud, gushing emotion all over the place. That never changes with time, Thank God.
I hope I continue to be worthy of people like all of you.
I wish all of you reading, a blessed year full of happiness and good health.
Happy Happy New Year xo
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