Wow what a scorcher yesterday was here in the South East - I think we were at over 100 degrees with the heat index - sure made for an interesting evening at the mock meet...About ten minutes before I left the house I jumped in the shower to wash the salt water out of my hair (our pool is salt) and then threw on a sundress, ran a pic through my mop top and ran out the door for Emma and Matt's first meet of the season. My hair was a dripping mess of curls and never dried the entire evening - you could have mopped the sweat right off me. Last night was like being trapped in a sauna fully clothed with no exit door. It was a rough one to say the least.
But man did my kiddos bring a heat of their own...Those kids were on fire in that pool.
And this is what I was thinking about as I roused from my slumber this morning...Competitive nature and why my children possess it?
Emma is a born competitor, especially when it comes to swimming. She has rocked it so hard from the very first time she got up on a block and got her stream line pose on. Prior to the climb on the block she has always gnawed on her goggle strap for nerve control. I have watched her and wondered, is she nervous? Is she uncomfortable? Is this too much pressure for her? Thing is, while she sits on the benches in clerk waiting for her race - no matter what - I go to her and kiss her on the pucker, tell her she is awesome, go get em kiddo - give it your best and naturally, I love you....She never looks at me with an Emma Claire 'I don't wanna do this Mum' expression, never cries, never doesn't want to swim - and yet she chews her goggle strap in the moments before as though is she doesn't chew she may explode. I have always chalked it up to control - she is controlling her environment in the moments before the race to exercise what she can in fact control until she hits that water and tries her hardest to dominate. Which, she usually does.... Last year she left most of the other swimmers in the dust, hit the wall at least a quarter length ahead of the pool - she was amazing and even I, who believes she is capable of ANYTHING, was stupefied at her ability and even beyond the wins, her grace. She never boasts, never brags, she always accepts her ribbon gracefully and is supportive of her team mates. She is invested, but not to the point of conceit or bragging. I love her silent pride, it is one of the things I appreciate most about her....
And so I ponder? Where in the hell does she get this? Is it from me or was she born with it, a part of my DNA passed down to her - nature and not nurture. Because, although I yell like a mad woman from the side of the pool and push her to push her hardest, it is not for the win at all, it is so that she hears her Mother, her best friend, her biggest fan, cheering in the crowd - I want my voice to stand out to her as she pulls up to take a breath - I want her to know that I believe in her - that I always will.
And yet, she is a scrapper just like her Momma, I mean just like me.
I can't answer the nature vs. nurture for myself when it comes to me, did my Mom raise me to be the way I am? I certainly FEEL like it is my nature - the fighters spirit is inside me and I have little choice but to regard it as such, for even in times when I want to give up - my gumption always wins out and the defeater in me loses to the winner. I am just that way, and even more so if you tell me that I CANNOT do something. Tell me I can't, tell me I won't, and oh boy you better look out because I will show you, watch me now.
BUT - I was not always this way....There was a time when the defeatist in me was so much more powerful that any other facet to my personality - so much stronger than any other outer force- I was doomed to fail and so why even bother trying...
And this brings me to my Matteo.
Last year he flat out refused to do swim team - "it's stupid - I hate it - it's boring" and I was ready to kill him for his quitters will. He was un-moveable and YET, was in the stupid pool diving like a champion and swimming like a fish and all us adults sat back scratching our heads going HUH? What the hell is his issue???
Well his issue was confidence and his competitive nature. He was afraid to lose more than he was sure he would win and for Matthew, not winning is not okay.
HHHHmmmm again I ask, is this from me? Because although I did not start this way like my Emma with effortless confidence, I have sure arrived at it now as a grown woman. And I will admit it, I do not like to lose. Yes I can be gracious and yes I will always support my opponent, but I DISLIKE coming up short immensely. Take for instance the essay competition this year - I ran in to Jessica (professor) in the hallway as she was handing out info about the competition - she asked "Are you going to submit again this year?" and my reply "Oh yes, but this year I am going to win" and.... I did. Gumption with a Goal.
So with Emma, I worry little about her confidence and the possibility of
loss, she will climb out the pool eat a ring pop and get psyched up for the next race - she never gets pissed about hitting the wall second.
But Matt he is a different story....And last night he won first - first meet of his first season and he hit that wall a long length ahead of the other swimmers. I had one observation - he would have been even faster if he had not wrenched his neck around constantly assessing where his competitors were in regards to him....Oh Matt just swim doll baby - but I don't know if he can do it the way his sister does and I don't know if an all out melt down will occur when he loses - which he inevitably will...Will he throw his cap down and say "I'm done, I hate this!!!" or has he matured enough in the last year to be able to fall off and get right back on that horse without a self hating monologue?
Jesus I hope so.
I handle them so differently, as they are completely different children and yet, both so clearly cut from my cloth. Her, I just whatev's, I love you yadayada - Matteo I do the "I am so proud that you did it, so proud of your effort, so happy to see you in the game" and hope that my pride is enough to sustain him when he doesn't smash in to the wall the winner....
It is so crazy trying to figure out the right methodology in raising healthy self confident kids. I think my first two are still battling this issue well into their teenage and young adult years. Matthew is very much like Brian was and so maybe Brian in his wisdom should mentor him more - he was there yelling right beside me and was the first one to hug his little brother out of the pool :)
I want my kids to be competitive because the world is cut throat, more now than ever. I want them to have a gumption reserve that they can call on in times of need. I want them to believe they are CAPABLE of ANYTHING and I want them to learn most of all that the only thing that stands in the way of their successes is ultimately themselves - they are powerful.
I hope that Emma's confidence comes from seeing a confident Mother who she admires. I hope watching my nose to the books and the President's List letters that come in the mail are teaching her a hard work ethic - I hope that for Matthew it does the same, but that he doesn't JUST see the WIN, he sees the work involved and realizes it is the confidence IN my work that matters to me more than the grade.
Ahhhhh sigh, parenthood is hard. It is some kind of difficult to look at these little humans and know that what they will become is largely in my hands because I will either succeed in giving them the goods or fail...
I want my kids to have all the confidence and all the Maternal support that I did not. I want them to develop into well rounded humans that will pass on my determination and grace.
Because I have figured out that really, this shit is all that matters in life - everything material is inconsequential - it is what you pass on to your kids that matters.
Deep down in my gut I know I am a survivor who has evolved into a thriver - just gotta figure out how to get my kids there without them having to wage war on themselves the way I did.
This aspect is surely nurture.
Regardless of anything - by way of good example or bad, my Mom passed on to me the desire to never have my kids feel unsupported, abandoned or to live with ultimatums of my doing. I am here for these whack jobs come rain or come shine - no matter what.
And even when they fall flat on their faces - I will be here dusting them off, kissing boo boo's and telling them to get their asses back out there but quick.
I hope it all works out. I hope they get their confidence on - in the pool and especially out.
Love me some Matt and Em's - love these knuckle heads with all my heart - bursting with pride this morning and have my over thinking contemplative head in the game right along with them.
Have a great day xo
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