This gray morning I find myself sitting at my kitchen table with piles of shit spread out before me.
I am a pile maker. This goes in that pile, this one in that, bills here, medical bills here, junk mail, kids school papers, my school papers etc. etc.
My life is buried under piles of stuff that I cannot seem to deal with like a responsible adult.
I am admitting something major here - admitting you have the problem is after all the first and crucial step to addressing said issue and then changing....Great, another imperfect thing about myself that I must diligently strive to improve on - someone add that to the list of important self help shit to conquer - I think that list is in the "Must work on every day" pile.
Sheesh - that is my reality.
But anyways back to taking the first step.
Hi, my name is Deb and I am a disorganized pile maker that avoids paying her bills...
All true.
I make the piles, I like tidiness - I do.
I sort them, make sense of them, process their existence in my mind - then pile the piles one on top of the other and walk away.
Usually what happens - is I will go to turn on the TV or something and will not get an automatic picture, a blue screen or something appears and I go, "oh shit, did the cable get shut off?" and then I find the bill pile and realize I am over due on everything...
It's awful. I know, I acknowledge, I admit it.
Another great example - I just did that this morning with my water bill - opened it weeks ago got disgusted by the astronomical sewer charges, threw the bill down and walked away from it - not sure why I though about it this morning when I put in laundry, but thank God I did, shut off notice in the mail. Jesus.
And so, I sat down with the pile of crap that I have been adding to and subsequently avoiding for weeks, and began the torturous task of sort into mini-specific piles.
I came across a form from Wells Fargo to renew my free insurance they provide - yes FREE insurance - not much, but some....'Please return no later than September 5th to receive your FREE insurance for the next twelve months'
Date on the envelope - June 15th - today September 2nd.
Procrastination at it's worst, even when all I have to do is sign the damn thing and put it in a pre-paid envelope that they provide.
I am a mess....I know, trust me, I know.
I talked to Mary yesterday and she said, "Cameron and I got our cards today" - I like writing love notes, I make time for love notes, I even go to Hallmark peruse the aisle for just the right sentiment, and I buy stamps too....I enjoy that - I hate dealing with important shit that doesn't feel important to me, like paying the stupid electric bill.
Yes I like the light, but I do not like giving dominion power $239 every damn month, or in my case $478 every two months because last month I forgot to pay the bill....
I am awful, I know.... I need help, I know....
Just now I forced myself to stop blogging for about sixteen seconds, sign the insurance form and put in in the envelope, sigh - I need a Valium now.
Why does this bother me so? Why do I feel anxious at the prospect of being responsible in this way. I am so responsible elsewhere - here I am a train wreck and that is probably too kind a representation.
I am like those people on the hoarder shows that don't get the problem....
"Why are you annoyed with me Ms. Aqua Virginia customer service representative because I have not paid my bill and have ignored your notices?"
ugh, I know right?
So now that I have admitted that I am a pile ignore-er and an irresponsible bill paying adult, what do I do to change?
I have tried the day planner with the bill dates written in red and circled in hi-lighter and starred with gold foils etc. etc. - I ignore it, completely...I make it all pretty, I get all excited to be a big girl and then I avoid it like the plague.
Like the jury duty form on the table I am avoiding - I know it's there, it's looking right at me right now as I type, but I continue typing like nothing is demanding my attention, just too exhausted by the insurance form completion and envelope licking - I feel like one a day is all I can handle....
What the hell is wrong with me???
This has to be some deep seeded emotional damage from childhood that I have yet to uncover in the years of counseling that have stripped me bare of every other defense mechanism.
What could this be?
I really don't know, but I really have to figure it out - it's time for me to slay this unnamed - no faced demon and grow the hell up.
Now I feel bad about myself and I am sitting here with my face in my hands pouting.
I guess I should cut that shit out and go deal with that jury duty form - maybe confessing my evil to you all is the answer?
I feel your judgment and scorn and I hear you yelling "Get off the damn computer and go pay your bills already"
Fine, sigh, if you insist....
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