For Catherine.

Holy Cow it is actually a little chilly out here on my deck this early Tuesday Morn - break - let me grab a throw....
Ahh that is better. Steaming coffee and a soft blanket and the birds singing and you....What could be any better first thing in the morning? NOT SLEEP, because I can report that yet again, I have had a full eight hours and fell right asleep mind you, despite the thrill of Victory that lingered in my overstimulated body after last night's INSANE GAME 6 WIN!!!!! If I can sleep after that, than gluten be damned I don't need you.
Wow, can I hear an AMEN my New England peeps? WOW talk about stress....And so off we go back to Vancouver for GAME 7 and the cup....I have no idea what to say, or if I should say anything - I am afraid to say the wrong thing and therefore secure our demise....We Bostonians have a way of holding ourselves personally responsible for losses. It's the wrong underwear or that we watched, we ate the wrong food, we cheered too loudly at a Canucks unfortunate check off the boards - whatever the case we find a way to take the responsibility - and so I sit here, contemplating - do I remain silent, do I boast, do I exude hope?
No, I say no more.
Everyone knows that I want the BRUINS to get the cup in my lifetime...
I will say, however hesitantly, that game 7 is Wednesday and this is also the evening of my kiddos first official swim meet of the season....
I have to be there...Maybe Boston will do better without me watching? And if it looks as though they will win - I may have to leave, because oh my, I would hate myself for all eternity if I missed the victory lap cup overhead.
Oh God, I have said too much now. DONE.....
Ahhh sigh, I am in such a great mood....Yesterday proved to be one of those beautiful unexpected days that reminds me how full circle life really is...
I am a very kind person. I am very loving too and more than anything, extremely PERCEPTIVE - especially when it comes to other peoples emotions and needs. I FEEL you, long before you tell me anything. I have always been this way - I count this as one of my God given gifts. Thing is, having waded through the mucky shit of my life, having had so much pain and so much grief, having so little love of my own - has made that perception SENSE of mine even stronger. Because I have been a cast off alone in the shit, it is my instinct to wade in with others and if nothing else, if not pull them straight out of the muck, at least hang out with them there and let them know they are not alone....
If you asked me when I was eight if one day I would feel grateful for my loneliness, I would have poked you in the eye and said "what are you stupid?" - But now here today, I say my lonely has served me really well. And that yes, life does come full circle.
Had I not been who I was, Fatherless and so distinctly different from my Mother, if Omar had not died, if my first husband had not caused me and my kids so much pain - I may not have the keen ability I now possess to recognize pain in others. I wouldn't trade my past for a pretty one if it meant losing or never developing this bi-product.
Yesterday was a powerful day for me - it was one of those days that fills me up with self love and gratitude, the kind of day that makes me appreciate the red saturation of the roses a little more.
I was in my store - doing what I do...Listening to a woman brow beat herself for all her physical faults and failures. I got pissed and said "okay listen, I have been hearing this same self abusive mantra from women for two weeks straight now, I don't know if it's bathing suit season that has you all self deprecating or what - but this has got to stop before I freak out - you ARE BEAUTIFUL so stop with the self damnation!" from the front of the store I heard a quiet and meek "AMEN sister" and I searched over the rack tops to find the source of camaraderie. There she was this pint sized, middle aged blonde with the kindest eyes I have ever seen...Not only kind, ALONE AND SCARED too....Hmmmmmm? What is that about? When I finished up with my reformed self hater, Catherine (the pint sizer) told me that she was going to come back - she had an appointment but wanted to return and allow me to "have my way" with her - she said and I quote "I think you are just the girl to make me feel better" Alrighty then Cutie pie you go and I will see you in a bit....I wondered, why the pain in the eyes - why the need to feel better, why could I feel her in my own gut and why was I thinking SOS someone throw me a life line?
She returned several hours later and said "Do what you will to me, dress me, just make it fun like your outfit, make me feel how you look"....
And so I began to pull things that she would never imagine herself in and told her to get down to underwear - let's do this thing.
When she came out of the dressing room and stood in the three way and looked at herself, I immediately regarded disapproval - she was unsatisfied with her mid- section, felt unbelievably less than or wait, more than....I said "I'm going to touch you now" and ran my hands along the long lines explaining to her how the cut elongated her short frame, how the pattern drew the eye down and not directly at the mid line like she was thinking. I made her look at me and said "I don't lie to women about their looks, I don't work on commission, there is no perk in this for me, I do what I do because I want women to feel good - I won't lie to you, we have to have ground rules here, we have to have trust as our foundation"
She smiled at me, said a resigned "okay" and followed it up with a tear filled "Thank You" - then it happened...
She said, "I am extremely private, I don't share, I don't know why I am telling you this....(pause) I was just diagnosed with cancer and I'm scared"
sigh, well up, hug and I mean hug - rubbed her back and pulled her in so close we could have passed for the same person....She explained the treatments were making her gain weight and she felt all wrong in this new and sick body....God love her and oh yeah cancer FUCK YOU!!!!!
Deep breath and I said "well let's get you at least feeling good about you then since I know we can if nothing else achieve that together"
And we did - for two hours I ran back and forth pulling clothes, throwing clothes, piling shit everywhere and when my boss came to give me lunch and wondered why at 3pm I refused to acknowledge I should pass her the baton, I jotted on a piece of private paper.
SHE WAS DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER - I CAN'T LEAVE HER.
My boss sent the new girl on an errand to retrieve a salad for me and sat back and watched as I got in the shit of cancer with Catherine and tried to make her feel, if nothing else less afraid and less alone....
Catherine had a call while in the dressing room, someone inquiring how her appointment at UVA had gone, she choked up and couldn't speak - we hugged again, even tighter this time - everything is going to be okay.
She really loved the color turquoise, said it made her feel alive and I had NOTHING that fit her in that beautiful healing color - nothing except for the perfect piece hanging in my own closet at home. The perfect piece, exactly what she needed actually and so I offered it up to her, we made a date for a return visit on Friday - I bring her my turquoise wrap and she gets a piece of me to have to cloak herself in when she feels like she is drowning in the shit all by herself.
She said (like I was giving her my kidney or something) "You would do that for me?" I said "Are you kidding me with that shit - what wouldn't I do for a soul sister in trouble?"
Because that is who I am at my bare bones.
And yup toot toot (my own horn) - I am happy to be me.
I have these experiences often enough, that I rarely don't feel blessed to be a spirit healer - when I begin to feel empty of the full circle effect, a Catherine walks in my door and reminds me that had my life not sucked, I wouldn't give half a a shit as much as I do about other peoples pain.
I thank my Mother for every moment she didn't hug me - it gave me the goods to hug perfect strangers and extend myself to most everyone.
Thanks Ma.
And so today I wear a smile like my badge of honor.
I told Catherine that next time she makes the trip to UVA she should hit me up and we could have a lunch date - her eyes filled up - she said she would like that very much.
And then to make her feel whole and not a sympathy case - I injected my sick humor and said "Oh don't get all ego inflated or anything, you aren't the first customer I have befriended" and she smiled bigger and mouthed the words 'thank you' because she is no dummy and knew exactly what I was up to.
I don't like you for your cancer Catherine, I like you because you told me....
I like connecting. I LOVE connecting....It is why I live and why after fourteen years I still work in fucking retail.
And when all was said and done, my boss who almost never offers praise was overheard saying to the new girl "Just watch Deb and emulate, she is the best, brilliant at what she does - how she moves, how she connects, how she teases and jokes, she is a master".....OMG did she say that???
Whatevs, what I do is love, that's all I really do. Screw the paper work, the sales, the time clock - I am in it all for the love.
SMILE SMILE SMILE.
If I made you vomit far all my sappy self back patting - sorry.
But I worked really hard, suffered to get these goods and I openly embrace it, even when it makes people want to barf for all my silly gushing.
There is a point to suffering if you get up over that summit - then it's easy money on the down hill coast with a big swollen heart to serve as your counterweight.
sssshhhhh GO BRUINS GO!!!!
love and hugs :)