Although, Emma Claire was up at two am declaring hunger pains that were waking her, so up I got to make her a bagel with strawberry cream cheese and pour my growing girl a glass of milk. After that, I will admit sleep did not return to me easily - there was a whole lot of pillow adjusting, tossing and turning and frustrated sighing.
When I did return to slumber (finally) I dreamed of work and selling linen dresses to the masses, but Ray Lamontagne was there too and he was sad because his Father had passed away and he never really had a chance to form a real relationship with him??? IDK how to explain it - good music in my dream though as he sang to me and all the linen clad ladies in the shop. Like a mini concert in my dream - not so bad.
And so....here I am awake at six am and cranking out a blog before I begin my marathon day of work and then my night class - and....I have my first exam tonight and as usual feel completely unprepared. Obviously if you read my blog last night you know that the slave narrative's are killing me emotionally - my unpreparedness is not for lack of knowing the material - just for me, knowing the material is about knowing the gnawing emotions, not necessarily that dates and times. I have been slacking in my literature classes big time in the "studying" department - I could put my nose to the grindstone a little more and completely relieve myself of any self doubt and ill preparedness - BUT IT'S SUMMER !!! I don't know what I was thinking to be taking a four hour night class on Mondays - yes I do - and you already know the answer too - I love education....Time out of a classroom is time wasted in my mind - Gotta get the knowledge, gotta see yourself in relation to history to know your own power.
And by history I don't just mean actual factual history - I mean all encompassing history - Plato and Socrates, all the great Greek philosophers - the early religions of the world - aboriginal religions - art and music - cartography - geography - wars - etc etc.... I just don't know how anyone can fully comprehend the beauty of their own life without seeing it in context to all that have come before?
And when I say that, I am certainly not implying that those who have not pursued higher education are not living full and meaningful lives or that anyone lacking a college degree is lacking....I just really believe that there is a fine tuned perception and appreciation that exists in the present moments of my life that was certainly nonexistent before I went to school. My scope is broader and I see myself in relation to everything in that wide scope, and that just makes me feel all the more powerful and important.
I would never ever dig anyone or judge them for not going to college, hello life is life and it took me twenty years to muster up the courage - BUT I am a huge advocate and would, will, try to talk anyone and everyone into going to or going back to school.... I am annoyingly reformed. Like worse than any reformed smoker I have ever met.
I have fantasies of being a motivational high school speaker - I see myself telling my stories to the youth and compelling them to GO just GO and don't look back - wait to have babies, wait to join the work force - wait to start a life of adulthood that once begins, never stops - Get your school on first - get your scope good and wide and perpetuate a cycle of the broad view.
Be able to answer your kids homework questions self assuredly - know what an acronym is and know who our twentieth president is - know why we went into world war one and know yourself with confidence. Sigh....If only someone would offer me a job talking candidly to kids preparing to exit high school....If only.
Funny thing about me is that I could go the social work and psychology route very easily, I could switch my major - or I could double major when I transfer to UVA, I could major in English and minor in psych and then be a school counselor - I could, just don't know if I should? Part of me wants to teach myself....Land my ass in a community college just like PVCC where I can be a mentor not only to kids entering college, but to scaredy cat adult students, just like myself. And then a very real part of me, the champion of the hopeless, wants to teach to prisoners - the people who will be sent back out into society after sitting their asses in jail cells getting more pent up and less prepared to reintegrate into society in any meaningful and hope filled sense.
I have fantasies of reading aloud to uneducated prisoners, helping them to hear their own voices in literature, taking my time word for word and ingniting a fire of relatabilty in those who have previously felt cast off from society and alone. Crime comes from desperation and desperation is cured with knowledge - this I know for sure.
Hmmmmm what to do, what to ? You blog readers feel free to make suggestions - it is crazy to not know what other people think of you isn't it?
I think about this a lot. I have very real impressions of people in my life and know what they mean to me, how they have affected me, where their power in my life resides - but how often do we tell each other that really?
I mean I know I do it more than others - but how often do we really know what we mean to other people? Probably not nearly enough...
So hey, don't hesitate to say "Hey Deb, I think you should do this ------ because you make me think this ------"
AT this point in my life I am open to suggestion as my life is already half over...(if I am lucky)
A little guidance and feedback is always a good thing.
And with that invitation I shall end my blog for the day and go get my ass in gear. I think I will go call my wife real quick amd then on to responsibilities, linen and African American History.
And I say this with great hesitency because I am freaking the fuck out - GO BRUINS GO - this is GAME 6 and it's a do or die situation. Please please let them win at home tonight and please please let them get the cup. I will be in class so do not hesitate to text me updates - man my stomach hurts already just at the mention.
have a great day and thanks for reading :)
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