Would you not like to be sitting on top of the world with your legs hanging free?

Wow it has been a few days since I last said hello....
Nuts how busy life can be.
In the few days since I last blogged, a truly amazing thing happened - the pretty blue eggs began to hatch and guess what? The first one cracked open on my Nana's birthday!
If you read my blogs as a "follower" than you will know how crazy beautiful perfect that is and I'm sure you can imagine that I have been scratching my head vigorously for days now trying to figure out just what the hell it all means.
Nothing concrete yet, just a lot of maybe so's and could very well be's.
Gotta keep stretching the mind muscle - so many possibilities to consider - I exclude nothing.
That is a great concept - no exclusion, hmmmm.
I wonder what that would look like applied across the board?
Oh wait, that's kinda how I do things isn't it? Rule nothing out - leave every door open wide or at the very least a toe in.
This thought brings me to a conversation I had recently with an old friend. A friend of the twenty five year ago variety....Amazing to do that twenty years later, what a gift.
At any rate - we texted a lengthy convo about the mid-life crisis issue - identity - time - confusion.
The mid life marker sure does have a way of posing the brutal question "who the hell am I and what do I REALLY want to do with the remaining time I have left?"
My friend and I have both have woken up mid life, mid roles, mid - all sorts of commitments to find that unfortunately, it isn't all what it's cracked up to be.
I heard a lot of you just psshh at me.
Judge me if you must, but it is absolutely - unequivocally true.
If you read my blogs you know I love life - you know I feel blessed and you know I am thankful, I swear to God I am not being ungrateful or whiny. What I feel is just unbelievably difficult to articulate.
Hmmmm....
I feel like ME needs serious ME time. I feel like being selfish and that the selfishness I want to embrace isn't selfish at all, it's more like necessity - like air.
I want to throw all caution to the wind and act on impulse that is driven directly from the part of me that has one eye on the clock and hears the loud ticking growing even louder. I want to NOT do all the things I should do and instead do a lot of the things that I want to do. I want to do things that will make me say later "I cannot believe I did that!"
Does that make sense?
Sure I SHOULD cook dinner - but sometimes the ME part of me doesn't even recognize the person who knows her way around the kitchen. I want Fiji for dinner not marinated chicken on the grill.
I want Fiji for breakfast too...
I want to be in a posh hotel in Fiji right now in fact, on the deck overlooking the ocean in a silk robe left loose and open, sun-kissed and salty underneath, slowly sipping a deep red Merlot that leaves oily lip prints on my cigarette which sends smoke swirls to dance between my toes that are propped up on the table in front of me, the horizon line sitting on top of my hot pink nail polish, swaying to and fro like a miniature ship in a bottle.
Yup that's what I want.
And I want no one from my real life to be there...
Is that so bad?
I want passion that is all encompassing and undeniable, unstoppable - I really do not want to pick up the house, put laundry away and go to work.
Youth is wasted on youth.
Huh so true.
Twenty year old's know nothing (sorry guys but it's true) - you gotta be forty to know anything, and then you still want to know what you know, but temporarily forget that you know, because in the forgetfulness there is a magnificent freedom that expands your ability to know that which maybe you shouldn't, but you definitely should - regardless of and in spite of anything and everything, because this is your one shot - get it quick, grab it hard, do it now while you can.
I guess I need a red corvette and a twenty year old girlfriend with a good boob job...
Kidding.
What I really need is the freedom to be ME, not just me in the roles that I have chosen for this life - not just defined by what or who I am to others.
I am more than my roles make me.
Not saying I want to abandon my kids - not even close...Just thinking that after twenty years of doing the needs of everyone else - I need to do my own now too.
Mine don't necessarily jump and jive with everyday life DAMN IT and that puts the crisis in mid-life....
And with that I see the real clock and know old people like me need wrinkle cream and beauty sleep, sigh.
So...Exclusion? Hmmmm - I think not...
For now, not ruling out anything - especially Fiji.

Good to know I am not alone in my straight jacket old friend - we can take turns drying each others eyes while feeling sorry for ourselves and inevitably guilt ridden :)

(If my honesty is offensive to you - clearly you are 39 or under)