Tonight I am sporting the most fabulous french manicure thanks to the genius of the Sally Hansen quick dry nail polish pen - best invention to date...
Now if only someone would come up with a reasonable alternative to bikini waxing...
Okay fine, I admit it - you got me - I am a total girlie girl.
But like I have a choice???
For instance - I went to CVS tonight for an innocent errand - toilet paper.
As soon as I walked through the sliding glass doors BAM I was greeted by a deadly display of nail polish colors - I was immediately over stimulated and in a cold sweat.
The brilliant CVS marketing team made a fantastic choice when they decided to design the entrance as a literal gateway into the cosmetic department - oh we consumers are so easy to trick with Jedi mind tricks such as these - especially we up-keeping girl types.
Then, as if the transition from door to nail polish wasn't enough to secure their death grip, the buy one get 50% off deals had me and my wallet hostage.
I grabbed a carriage - for toilet paper?????
Shit I am sunk.
Before I knew it I was pulling out lip gloss after lip gloss comparing shades and shimmer up against the back drop of my hand, and then moved on to reading every package of mascara to see which one one would really get my lashes mile high and survive swimming in the pool.
Toilet paper Deb, Toilet paper...
Then off to the aisle of hair removal - Every year I fool myself into believing that Nair is the answer to my overgrown bikini line - Nair is so not the answer to anything, but you and I both know, I left with the damn Nair...
Before I knew it I had been in the store for over a half an hour and was strolling down every aisle like I had absolutely no meaningful life to live, completely numb off my beauty supply buzz.
TOILET PAPER DEB for the love of GOD....
I remembered it as I got up to the register and had to apologize to the people behind me and do the whole "I'm sorry, I forgot something, excuse me" deal while I maneuvered my carriage backwards out of the line of annoyed and impatient customers.
I know they judged the contents of my cart - who wouldn't with the Nair, and what a ridiculous woman with all that make-up and no toilet paper.
NOT my fault, blame it on Maybelline.
And there in the toilet paper aisle I very suddenly become ferociously frugal and search for the cheapest package of TP on the shelf.
Wow.
When I finally got off the hell ride - my one pathetic bag was worth $65 dollars. SIXTY FIVE fucking dollars!!!
I immediately hung my head in shame and snatched my little bag from the disapproving sales clerk and sulked out.
Bitches at Cover Girl got me again - but you know what I bet, all the big wigs are MEN.
Men who what, have to shave and manscape a little.
OH PUHLEASE.
For a brief moment in my truck as I gripped the steering wheel while peering out of the corner of my eye at my offensively small bag and simultaneously drowning in self loathing - I thought, I wish I were a man.
MEN HAVE IT SO DAMN EASY.
No periods for starters = no pregnancy = no stretch marks = no swollen feet = no childbirth = no lactation = no post pregnancy weight gain or sagging.
GRRRRRRRRRR. So unfair.
No make-up, no bikini waxing, no night creams, no painful stilettos, no manicures.
They get up shower and if we women are lucky, shave and splash on cologne.
A man would have gotten in and out of CVS for under five bucks...
I hated on man ease for all of six seconds and then snapped out of it.
I am a girl. I love being a girl.
I love being soft and smooth, I love smelling edible like cake, I love fluttering lashes of various colors depending on a given mood, I love french manicured nails that perfectly emphasize my ever constant hand gestures and I love to have my pucker shimmery and sparkly to illuminate and accentuate my fantastic smile.
I loosened the grip on the wheel and thought, yeah I am a girl - sue me.
I get color and variation - men get the same face every damn day - yup, no thank you.
CAN I GET AN AMEN?
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