So this is it....Last class, last final tonight. I am feeling fairly broken so I am relieved that it all ends tonight. This last exam shouldn't be
I realized yesterday that Matthew and Emma's father is so frustrated with my face in a computer it is taking every ounce of energy for him not to kill me - he just doesn't get it - has nooooo idea how much work goes in to a full college semester, I think he far prefers me in the kitchen or with a mop in my hand...
Unfortunately for all my family, I am kinda over the domesticated wife thing and they are stuck fending for themselves.
I guess in some way I feel a little guilty for not being the house keeper I once was, but you know what? I am not the only one with working arms and legs in this house and most certainly not the only one with eyeballs.
The pile of shit on the floor is not mine and I know you all see it too.
humph.
I may be a little bitter this morning - maybe just a tad.
The thing is this - I stayed home with my kids when they were babies - none of my children ever went to daycare AND I always worked in some capacity - always have, always will.
In the most recent years (since Mimzy) I have in fact worked every weekend since she was weaned off breast milk (Oh did I mention I breast fed all my kids too?)
we are going on year six of being at work while the rest of the world has down time and R&R. Essentially Friday and Saturday are my Wednesday and Thursday and I don't get home until 10pm - it sucks.
I don't get R&R unless I fight for it and then I am a neglect-or, grrr.
Sunday is my only day that I do not have to be anywhere - and during this last semester Sunday is the day I collapse from exhaustion and fall down dead - barely able to function and wearing a face that says "why should I?" -
Pisses my family off to no end.
Well I am just tired, how nice for you all that you have energy to play.
Yes I am bitter today, no doubt about it.
I want so much for my children especially, to understand the value of education - I want them to see my exhaustion and alleged neglect in context to the bigger picture.
They are fairly patient with me for the most part, but I have an idea that a little birdie whispers negative things in their ears which casts me in a less than perfect light in their eyes.
This kinda hurts and really pisses me off.
Not sure why it is always the woman's job to be thoroughly and completely selfless?
Anyone have that answer?
I know at some point then men of the clan had to go out and hunt and kill to bring home the supper, the tribal women couldn't hunt with babies hanging form their breasts, but really - times have changed.
The way I see it - I gave up my college experience and a professional life to take care of my kids - no daycares - Mom at the bus stop every damn day - AND I have been at it for twenty one years now. Oh, and I ALWAYS made money too, let's not forget that....Contributed in every sense of the word.
Can't a woman have her life too, have some identity other than maid/mom/taxi and not have to feel persecuted for it????
I am happy that this semester is ending - glad that I have two full weeks before summer classes begin....Happy that as it now stands, I am only signed up for two. Big sigh of relief.
I just hope for my families sake they all realize that this summer I write the book....Me being out of full time classes does not = no work for Mommy Dearest.
I have my own personal goals and shit is getting crossed off my list, like it or not.
My life is also mine and I am not a fan of swiffers or the vacuum.
For all you who will judge me, I am certainly not suggesting that this was not my choice - of course it was, having kids and being a Mom has always been my doing and #1 priority.
Priorities evolve and I am now on that list too, right at the top.
Maybe what I realize that Dan does not, is that a Mother who feels incomplete is not as good as a Mother who feels whole - even if that does mean more work for the rest of the clan.
Okay enough venting - I am off to shower and get ready for work and then off to class until ten pm tonight (like I don't bust my ass)
wish me luck on my last final - yay for the final final...
And maybe tomorrow I will be June Cleaver - on second thought, yeah no....
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