And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.....

Good Morning,
So last night my dear friend Rachel fought like a trooper to deliver Leona Shalom who BTW is such an amazingly beautiful baby - a good night and a collective phew of relief and joy.
The circle of life continues...sigh.
Yesterday I went to the doctor myself, I am fatigued and miserable, achy all over and have this nagging leg pain that just won't quit - the day before I noticed significant swelling below my right knee - this was a new symptom and equaled a "oh shit" response, should probably put in a call to Dr. Nolte.
We went over my symptoms -
fatigue that has not let up since the semester closed (no energy, zip zero nada)
joint pain
leg aches that make it hard to sleep
swelling
shakiness and tremors
occasional blurred vision
itching
sweating
heart palps
difficulty swallowing
oh and let's not forget...weight gain.
All my life I have struggled with my thyroid, so of course that panel was drawn.
Then the inflammatory blood marker (who knows what that is called?)
and four vials of additional blood for a myriad of auto immune disease tests, oh yay!
Needless to say - Dr. Nolte took the swelling seriously and aggressively sought answers asap.
The scariest thing is the swelling and concern of a blood clot - blood clots in the legs travel = pulmonary embolisms = death.
Not a fan of my own demise to say the least....
I was a little worried about myself when I heard all the symptoms and realized that I have written them off for months as elderly college student syndrome.
Damn I thought I was just beat down tired and yeah no, not school, definitely something else. UGH.
I was at the hospital with Rachel's family pretty late last night and so this morning when the phone rang incessantly I ignored it for much needed shut eye - until I remembered that the tests were expected back this morning.
I bolted upright and found the phone - voice mail - nurse at the office "call me immediately"
Great.
So apparently my thyroid levels are high, probably graves disease. Treatable and whatever, this has been a cycle my whole life - nothing new and definitely explains the sweating, itching, tremors, heart palps and extreme fatigue...
Bad news - inflammatory markers are high too and this was the test that was most pressing...
Maybe I have a blood clot in my leg???
And so, I sat there in bed holding the phone suddenly afraid to move for fear of the clot going straight to my lung and instant death.
I moved eventually, the irrational fear gave way and I remembered I have little control over when the jig is up for me.
My death is not mine to decide and I hate that lack of control, but whatever, clearly another life lesson is coming my way.
My head spins a little because I have a gazillion thoughts in it at all times.
I immediately thought of Mother red breast and the eggs and baby Leona...
What if the nest is there for me?
What if as the world fills up with new life someone has got to go to make room?
I believe that is the way that it works - the exchange of energy, the cycle of birth and death...
I thought of my own eggs - Brian, Kevin, Matthew and Emma Claire.
I thought what would they do without me?
I hate that thought more than I hate any other thought in the world - maybe even losing one of them...
Crazy you say?
I just know that my misery over losing one of them would steal my heart and pain would pervade and I would suffer endlessly - but - that is me suffering, not them.
I don't like the thought of Motherless children - Mothers and children belong together, this I know.
What would my boys do without me? They are all such Momma's boys... And Mimzy, my beautiful sweet loving little girl who is just like me in so many ways....Who would guide my daughter and give her the tools and confidence she needs develop into the the destiny she was born for?
Oh hell - I have goosebumps.
I have no Last Will and Testament.
No choices regarding burial vs. cremation.
No decisions about anything.
sigh.
And so, here I am today thinking about what the other remaining tests will reveal and worrying about my own death.
You may think - WOW, negative thoughts and blowing this way out of proportion, but death is the only guaranteed thing about this life and I have never been stupid enough to think that I am exempt or that the sad story you read about in the local newspaper won't end up being me.
Could very well be me.
This lesson came early in life when Omar's car went into the Charles River and my beloved died at 18.
Shit happens and pretending it doesn't, well that is just denial and leaves you vulnerable to shock.
I am not shocked that I am falling apart, not one bit and so there is no surprise here...
I hate that I won't live forever - hate that I cannot stay just like I am until the end of time - hate that I have no answers about what it all means - hate that I have no clue what happens when we die - hate that it means at some point this great ride will stop - hate that my friends and family will at some point miss me, or the alternative like with my Omar, my Da and my Papa, I will miss them...
Hate it all with a fierce passion and a secret desire for the elixir of eternal life.
Wish I had the recipe for forever...
I talked to Mary and we joked cause that is what we do - our defense against the ugly has always been a sick obsession with playing it out like we make the rules.
She will replace Emma with me - the daily phone calls will be to Mimz.
My writing is in folders get them and keep them for the kids.
Split my ashes five ways and scatter some of me down by the shore at PH....
Make sure the kids knew I was crazy beautiful and not plain crazy.
Get me a posthumous college degree and for my viewing put me in a cap and gown (kidding obviously some fabulous dress)
pluck my chin hair ( I didn't say that to her but I am saying it now)
And so much more.....
The most important thing I said to Mirm, "I know for sure, that if I have loved you in this life, I have told you incessantly - no one will scratch their head at my funeral and think 'did she really love me?' - if I do - you surely know."
I am confident that you all know just what you have meant to me and how much I have valued our time.
I am a lover of the expression of love, Omar's death taught me to never hold back in the love department, give while you can, give it all - don't hold any degree back - blast em with the love vibe.
And so, maybe I am just fine and will just have to wear pressure hosiery and give myself blood thinning injections daily.
Maybe I will get some death sentence and face my own demise - time and the appointment this afternoon will tell...
For right now because I have the ability - I will say these things, just in case I never get the chance...
I love my kids more than anything in this life - they are the great blessings of my time here.
I love you Barbara Hershey.
I love Dave Matthews - thanks for #41 my life anthem.
I love chocolate and free speech and bad asses. I love orange sunsets and salty margaritas. I love the ocean and sea glass and the feeling of digging my feet in the sand. I love the sunshine and summertime - I love the underwater sounds and the feeling of my hair moving like a mermaid. I love tequila and live music, shoes, purses and jewelry (good accessories are the mark of a true Diva.) I love coffee and cigarettes, I love the trump plaza and the sound of ice cubes sloshing. I love the laughter of my children. I love Brian's quick wit and kind heart. I love cheese and french bread and wine. I love running and a good sweat - I love PUMP. I love driving fast with the windows down and the music up loud. I love higher education. I love words and writing and books. I love people who fearlessly own their identities and say Fuck the establishment. I love the word FUCK. I love the feeling of cool sheets and the whir of an overhead ceiling fan in the hot summer. I love sunburns and tan lines and my IPOD. I love the sound of Kevin playing guitar and love the way he still asks me to sing to him. I love enduring friendship. I love food. I love nail polish and Lip gloss. I love the sound of a sax. I love wildflowers and green grass and the rebirth of springtime. I love Autumn and hope to burnout in a blaze of colors just like nature. I love color and art and fine detail. I love music insanely loud and I love to dance my ass off. I love mirrors and tweezers. I love Matthew's big head and all the things that head brought to my world. I love how Matti hugs like he is trying to kill you or at the very least break a few ribs. I love survival and the survival instinct.I love family and that mine has been unforgettably amazing. I love that Toto is my sister. I love that the picture of Ash in the sailor suit was my saving focal point in times of great despair. I love kissing. I love cuddles. I love making love. I love the Wizard of Oz and Dorothy Gale. I love my feet. I love a sick sense of humor and inappropriate language. I love kindness and generosity. I love seeing my breath blow out before me in a cold snap of winter. I like warm chocolate chip cookies and milk. I love memories and having phenomenal detail recall. I love children. I love hot baths and a good razor. I love moisturizer and being in a state of softness. I love traveling. I love my extended family. I love Irish Pride. I love whacking a baseball. I love sleeping in. I love justice and I love people who fight for it. I love manners. I love blogging. I love Boston and Maine. I love hockey and the Boston Bruins, love that I saw so many games at the garden. Love facebook and being able to connect with people who I haven't seen in twenty five years. Loved Kissing David Arend in the witch museum - man could he kiss. Love sarcasm. I love poetry.I love weeping willow trees, specifically mine at Chandlers pond. I love my Nana - my hero. I love my sister Ashleigh's unbelievable loud laugh. I love sisters and that Toto and I heard Dave sing it together. I love stilettos and a tattoos. I love my nose piercing. I love mr. waterpik. I love this keyboard. I love freedom. I love giving birth. I love breast feeding. I love a baby clucking it's tongue wanting to nurse. I love my perfume - Miss Cherie Dior. I love hot abs and a good sturdy back. I love my Bonnie Raitt streak and love her too. I love Mr. A-Z and all his perfect words. I love a good cause. I love people who accept responsibility. I love sweating poolside, feeling the trickle. I love catalysts. I love diet pepsi. I love Emma's freckles and love that she and Toto share that trait. I love honesty. I love talking and talking to as many people as possible. I love a good long sexy slow dance. I love passion and passionate people. I love literature. I love peanut butter. I love a good sneeze. I love Karen Mitchell and her downeast sensibility - I love her perfect timing. I love people watching. I love Leroi Moore. I love intuition and trusting it. I love knowing that she will always pick up the phone. I love when Emma rubs me out of no where. I love twinkling Christmas lights and advent calendar surprises. I love hot tea with milk and a tiny bit of sugar. I love
Thanksgiving dinner. I love my Papa. I love history. I love my dumb dog, my most loyal Willa, love how he always puts his paw on my leg - even when I am peeing. I love the pool. I love the phone. I love butterflies. I love to laugh. I love smiling. I love making people feel good. I love loving myself finally. I love change. I love learning. I love quiet. I love being completely out of control. I love the first moments of a DMB show. I love anticipation. I love setting goals and crossing them off. I love my fav old T-shirt. I love being read to by Emma. I love Victoria's Secret panties. I love people who give a shit. I love photos. I love a good Alfredo sauce. I love burping. I love grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup....I love this perfect life.

Hmmmm I could really go on and on forever - too bad I cannot - I just love so damn much.
I have had a great twisted dramatic life thus far - I have never ever been bored and
I have valued every single minute.
It has been a great ride shared with the BEST people, my kids, my fam, my friends, my beautiful wife :)
It's all good.
I'm not being dramatic, I am simply expressing my own will to face all possibilities and be grateful.
Maybe I am a whack job - but I think not - I think this is just the perfect blog for today...
Mary says I am going to be a crusty old hag a muffin when I finally do kick it, this is nothing, a bad minute that will pass.
I hope she's right - I have kids to raise and degrees to get, a book to publish, blogs to write.
Lets hope that I stick around long enough for you to all get good and sick of me... I think that is my goal, crusty annoying old crow. Yup sounds good to me.
Peace out and Hey, I love you...