Man what a day I had yesterday...I feel wrung the hell out.
But great, great news was delivered - the swelling in my leg is not a blood clot!
This is excellent beyond what I can express with words - I can stop being afraid at any moment that I would blow a clot right to my lung and have to depart this world before my list of "to do's" are knocked out. Guess I better get busy gettin' right on that list since I have been granted a reprieve. My long ass list, and hugging my kids even more...
PHEW.
Just now when I logged in to this site I looked at the 'stats' page because I noticed a marked increase in hits from yesterday - "And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make' had something like 83 views in one day. WOW - Thank you. I feel the love.
I feel extremely cared about and for an old girl who has felt somewhat displaced her whole life - it feels really lovely to know that so many people read my words. My words have a home in your hearts and that means more to me than I can articulate - literally.
And that says something monumental because I have an extremely large mouth...
A handful, or maybe two handfuls of you commented on my facebook wall that my blog made you cry - me too, I read it aloud to Mary as she drove to get her lunch yesterday and the words were hard even for me to speak.
Crazy how that tunnel vision thing works - as if a macro lens zeros in on all the fine details of the beauty of your life...
I hope that if it struck your heart and made you cry, it also made you, if even for a moment, hone in on the beauty of your own life - that is in effect why I write at all. The hope that something I say will resonate somewhere else.
I am that way - I read other peoples works and bawl a lot and then think about how the words apply to me. I have a silly habit of hugging a book once when I have finished it - I hold them close in my chest and close my eyes and think Thank You for those words, for that story, for that message - I hear you loud and clear.
If I am completely truthful about my goals, it would be to do just this for a living...Sit on my ass at my computer with a cup of steaming hot coffee and a little Dave in the background and write a column about life - I want to be a real time Carrie Bradshaw - I want to write openly and honestly about real life and have an envy inducing collection of seriously hot shoes...
Ah sigh, if only.
I could spend my whole day untangling my thoughts for you - no lie.
So... Although I do not seem to have a clot in my leg - I do still have a whacked out thyroid gland and a very large goiter - (I thought my neck was just getting really fat....) Off to the endocrinologist I go and hopefully some answers and relief from all the miserable symptoms that have taken over my life and at some point I will feel normal and spunky again.... I miss my spunk and I miss the gym.
I am hoping that the doctors mix me up a nice radioactive cocktail that will just kill off the stupid gland and finally free me from the cycle of fluctuations - I was first diagnosed with Thyroid issues when I was ten and that was (clear my throat) thirty years ago - long ass cycle of ups and downs.
But whatever, it's small potatoes compared to what some go through.
Take for instance my sister in-law Pam. She has been battling breast cancer for over ten years now. Ten long, hard and often disappointing years.
I cannot even imagine how she sustains her grace.
I have a feeling if it were me I would pitch rocks at the sky and curse the heavens from time to time, I would throw some serious tantrums.
She has battled this disease with composure and her attitude about all of it is nothing short of miraculous...(Love you Pammy Jean)
Perspective is one of the greatest tools I possess and I am so grateful that I was blessed with this trait - I hold my life up to others constantly and in that process lose steam to bitch about my problems -
This is a really good thing.
Takes me to that place where I say, I am breathing - don't even think about complaining...
I still do from time to time - I forget myself and whine - but then I remember Pam Poulin or Lynn Divers and I shut the hell up but quick.
I wish that I could take all the pain of the world away - I wish there would be no illness, no death, no loss - just health and happiness all the time.
Ahhh how lovely that would be (in concept)
But, I am fully aware that all of the awfulness is to exaccerbate the beauty of what we experience on this crazy ride called life.
If there were no bad - we wouldn't even realize the good. Appreciation for blessings would go right out the window and the human race would become abnoxiously slothy.
Bad gives us motivation to find, see and create good.
Those who suffer are taking one for the team, so don't forget to hold your team mates up - hug someone who is suffering.
I could ramble on forever about this, but I have an appointment and I am teetering dangerously close to the edge of lateness...
SO to wrap up my word vomit - Thanks for caring about me, it means a lot.
This is my cherry on top blessing - BUT - (and thankfully) I am okay...
My message for today is this...Sit a minute and see your beauty materialize before your eyes - think about perspective - then go give a little of your beauty to someone who has less.
It'll be a blogland movement of love.
I hope you all have a fabulous day and again, Thank you for reading and caring.
Love love and more love...
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