Buh Bye boulders...

Hi everyone in blog land,
Wow it sure has been a long while since I last spewed at the mouth....
That unfortunately is a sign of my way too busy life.
This semester has proved to be my most challenging to date, not necessarily the work load but the life load coupled with the work load. I am lucky to be hanging on at all considering all the personal things that have been going on this term.
I say that (type it) then chuckle, realizing that a year ago I had to drop a class because my Papa died and I was returning home to say goodbye...
Oh my Papa.... I miss him so much and can only imagine how my Nan must feel.
A year is a long time to be without your other half.
I guess this is a transition point???
I have been taking this World religions class, I am fairly certain I recall previous blogs inspired by this class? At any rate, we are working on Buddhism as of late and I am so moved by the Buddhist practices that I am, yet again on the verge of something life altering.
Crazy how that just keeps happening for me...
The Buddhists believe that nothing is permanent and that human unhappiness comes from an unwillingness to accept that everything WILL change, everyone WILL die.
I will not deny, that this DOES in fact cause me a great deal of emotional strife.
I don't want to die, but even more than that, I don't want people I love to die.
And yet, in my life, dying is as central a theme for me as living. So many people that I have loved have passed on.
And then I panic in my head and think Oh shit, just not my kids, please not my kids.
But....Kids die everyday and mine bear no immunity different from those.
Buddha began his teachings by giving away.
In effort to accept the things I cannot change, like that everything WILL AND DOES AND WILL ALWAYS CHANGE, I think I am going to practice giving away and stripping back on what I do not need.
I am good at the purge, just not always so GOOD INTENTIONED in my purging practices. In all honesty, I do a lot of what I do, to prove that I CAN.
I have lived a long life of fighting back and proving others wrong.
I want to prove right to and for myself only.
I want to move closer to the type of enlightenment that I read about and internally crave.
There was a time a few years back I lost a ton of weight to prove something to someone (or a few someones) and to slay a demon (or a few demons) of the self doubting nature.
There was a time I got a 4.0 GPA to prove to myself that I was in fact smart enough, watch me now....
Thing about that mindset is..... That it changes, it HAS changed.
I am thinking about INTENTION more than ever, and HONESTY.
Kinda the way I also view JOY and PAIN (pump it up pump it up, like sunshine and rain)
Things that go together...(like my Nana and Papa sigh)
I have to find some more peace and I think that starts here and now with these words.
I thought about it all day, remembering the way my Papa looked as I knelt by his casket -
nothing is permanent and good intention is vital to good existence within the time we have.
I am a good person, I have no qualms with my goodness - I do however take up with the attainable goodness vs. the experienced goodness and how the two are interconnected and not up to God or destiny or even Karma but up to, you guessed it ME...
So you piss me off.... What am I going to do with it?
So I have no time....What will I do with the time I do have?
So my body feels like crap and is a vessel....How will I care for it?
And so on and so on.
I have been a victim, no doubt.
I have MADE myself a victim, noooooo doubt.
Worst thing to realize is, victim is as victim does...
Now I am not saying that it is all my fault, all the shit, the hell, the pain, the absolute crap of life. NO.
But I am saying that INTENTION is half the battle.
INTENTION, that real inner thought, main motivator, the purpose involved is KEY.
My intention to PROVE something has got to go.
I am thinking that I need to listen to the birds sing more, the winds blow more.
I want to hike to the top of a mountain and sit in meditation and think about how neither it, nor the sky, nor the sweat pooling in my bra is permanent and that the intention behind all of those realizations is to truly HAVE them. BE in them because I am alive, because right now I CAN.
Does that make sense?
Not to get into the bikini and look good, but to put something into my body that will help me help it reach it's intended potential and to feel good.
Not to write the book just to write it, but to have the intention to say something meaningful and representative of my spirits time here, my observations of every detail that hasn't eluded me.
I don't make any sense do I?
Well, I do in my head and my INTENTION in these words is for me to get it, so I guess goal attained even if I leave you scratching your head. huh?
I spend too much time doing stupid meaningless shit, too much money on stupid meaningless shit and too much energy working against positive healthy energy - all means to the wrong INTENTIONED END.
Today at school, I talked to so many people. So many people smiled at me, said hello. I felt their energy, they felt mine. I give good energy when I take the time and focus, truly attend to that exchange and when it is with pure intention and not some ulterior motive, even ones underlying and hidden and shhhh'ed.
I spend too much time trying to be too many things to too many people that won't be permanent and don't matter anyways.
I want to live my life with better intention because my life is not permanent.
In order to do that, I think I have to make some key changes in my day to day life.
I am NEVER going to NOT paint my toe nails, but I think I currently have enough polish colors to paint a thousand feet in rainbows of every shade variation -
SOOO no CVS and the make up aisle for boredom sake, I'm sure there is a book Emma can read me in the time it would take to waste my 5.99.
Let's give vanity a rest, no one gives a shit what I look like anyway...
NO shopping. No spending. No bad shit in my body. No negativity for the sake of making noise in the face of uncomfortable silence. No facebook for a while. No constant phone checking. Maybe even shut off friggen cable?
I want to strip down naked (emotionally and psychologically) and allow myself to rise to the surface free from all the needless burdens that materialize in all my misguided intentions.
Cause just like you, I have em'
Ohhh do I have them.
So yeah, time to reevaluate and figure out a less cluttered path.
Going to give away (figuratively) all the shit I carry around like a back pack full of boulders that I definitely do not need weighing me down...
I may not be here tomorrow, so why not start today????