Lucky in love.

Good Morning blog folk,
I hope that this day finds you feelin' fine...This day, is my only day off for the entire week, AND, for the upcoming FALL/WINTER season, Sundays will be my only day off every darn week....
And on the 7th day she rested? - yeah right, more like on the 7th day she cleaned her house and attempted to put away the piles of laundry that accumulate Monday through Saturday and oh wait, let's not forget about the piles of ignored bills I must learn to deal with....Ugh, sigh, grunt.
Mind you, I am not complaining - and I have Ms. Alli to thank for that, and my sister in-law Pam and a sweet little girl named Alyssa - all situations worthy of legit complaints - me, well I am grateful to live my life to the fullest, even if that means only one day off to deal with the piles of things that make up my existence....
I am feeling, all in all pretty darn grateful lately - I have a lot of blessings to be thankful for - I really am a LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY woman.
Yesterday I felt stupidly lucky, almost greedily lucky and a little guilty about how much I have, how much love I get....
First off - I would like to acknowledge the joy that a particular lady provides in my life, although she does it from a far, because she moved far far away and is now on the West Coast instead of down the road and teaching pilates at the gym...
When she did live, just down the road from me, we were, acquaintances at best - but now that she is gone, with my ability to stalk her on facebook- she has become a real distinct light in my life.
She makes me laugh and feel understood, and that, is priceless.
Her name is Jenny and she is quite possibly, one of the sweetest human beings alive. You can tell just by looking at her smile, it is one of the kind that just says, "I am genuine awesomeness" - if you look at pictures with her and her two stinkin' adorable daughters, her smile radiates "I am genuine awesomeness and I am giving all my magic to these girls who reciprocate, and in turn, life is too good to be true." At least that is what I see....
Jenny is my facebook friend - she gets me.
She always likes my status updates when she should - when I laugh after I change my post and she 'likes it' immediately - I feel a kindredness though the miles between us are great and both our lives are so full that they literally, barely have room for us.
She doesn't have to drink her morning coffee here in Virginia with me, we do it via facebook and my blog - she is always around and I love it.
This weekend, the lucky little duckling is at the Gorge partaking in the DMB caravan.....Sheesh, can I be any more jealous?
Thing is, I have had pictures sent to me on my cell along with concert updates and song to song, blow by blows - love her and her shared mental illness for the Dave.
If he was served up to me on a silver platter, I would call Jenny right off and say fly your ass to my table NOW before I gobble him all up myself.
I would share, cause she is super worthy.
At 12:42 AM I received a text - I had fallen asleep so I read it first eye opened this morning...
It was from Jenny and it read 'Come See...'
This is the opening line of my personal anthem #41....She heard the notes and thought of me....How freaking lucky am I????
Thanks Jenny for making me smile right off this morning - I think of you all the time too :)
And....I began my day already feeling lucky, residual luckiness from yesterday still a film of gratitude on my eyes, as I rubbed those suckers awake.
Yesterday at work was one of those days you wish was an every day work day....
I had the BEST customers in, and had the BEST time exchanging energy and subsequently laughed my ass off pretty much from punch in, to punch out.
I won't share all the details for they are far too many and I have too many piles of assorted crap staring at me and calling me names, ugh.
I will share just the high lights...
One was my pal Kate, who, if she does not get a damn facebook account is not allowed to come visit me next time - fudge with cayenne or no fudge with cayenne, or rum for that matter - I have will power Kate, just try me...
She lives in D.C. and has been coming in to the store for years, making me laugh by sharing stories of hilarity from her life. She is a gem - a really really great person with a beautifully warped sense of humor that hides coyly behind her lovely refined exterior and always brilliantly painted toes. She is a little spit fire that reveals her fire to you in small unexpected doses that catch you off guard and make you choke a little when the surprise of her punch line catches you off guard.
Her comic timing is impeccable - I just adore her.
I have been threatening her for months - get a facebook so I can stalk you, this once in a while friendship we share, is simply not enough...I want to have Kate, the same way I have Jenny.
I'm warning you Kate, ultimatum time :)
She bakes me things, Easter egg scones and yesterday, a tupperware of Cayenne fudge - Oh my, that by the way Kate, sat on my chest last night a top my comforter as I watched the Patriot on TBS whilst nibbling and nibbling at the spicy, addictively spicy, fudge chunks.
When my jeans don't button I am blaming you completely and thoroughly - ON YOUR FACEBOOK WALL....(insert attitudnal throat clearing here)
(Oh, disclaimer - I know I use words that are not in the dictionary yet - 'attitudnal' being one of them - following my novel winning the Pulitzer, it will be, all things in good time dears...
And so back to the day.... As if Kate and her fudgey ways were not enough already to equal fabtabulous - then came in Jennifer and Jeff.
Now Jennifer and Jeff I don't know a ton about - YET....
They are brother and sister, this I know, and they live away from cville, but close enough to get to town for a day trip.
I know little else at this point other than they crack me up and I really really enjoy talking to them - like a lot.
Even Kate got in on the Jennifer and Jeff convo - the four of us would have a too good time if you threw in dinner and some wine...
Jennifer is hilarious and Jeff is just plain sweet, smart, funny and gave me one of the best compliments I have ever received - this propelled him to the top of my list of favorite customers straight away...
I was a little nutty (go figure), maybe even a little high on caffeine without enough food (other than cayenne fudge) in my tummy - I may have been twitching a little I am not sure - at any rate, I know I was all over the place verbally, saying everything that popped into my head a aloud.
I apologized to Jeff for being a complete spaz lunatic and he said (loosely quoted)
"Don't ever apologize for your unique personality, it's wonderful and you should be proud of it"
Don't you just want to kiss him? I know I wanted to, and jump straight away into his arms the way Emma does me when I make her feel good, she wraps her legs all about me and squeezes my neck in a grateful death grip - I had the impulse to do this with Jeff, but I thought I would knock him down and kill him if I did, so I showed restraint and kept the love explosion inside.
Thing is, I needed that. Really really really really needed to hear that.
Needed to hear - be proud of who you are - you are unique.
In a world that is often unkind, where people like me are often mis-understood - a moment like that, a comment like that, can refill the reserve tank.
Erase something ugly off my childhood wall even...
Thanks Jeff for that - coming from a good guy like you, well that meant the world.

See why I am so stupid lucky??? I know right - how the hell did I end up with so much love???
Oh wait - the old me wouldn't have been able to answer that question, even if presented rhetorically - the revised version knows why and says it with the background noise of her own tooting horn "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make" -
Finally I know I get what I give and according to Jeff, I should be proud of myself.
Okay to the piles, UGHHHHHHHH.
Thanks Jenny, Kate, Jennifer and Jeff for making my weekend feel beyond blessed - and thanks to Alli, Pam and Alyssa for providing me with the perspective I need to see my blessings so clearly.
Have a great day ya'll - love loud xo

This confession is long OVER DUE.

Good Morning Blog readers,
This gray morning I find myself sitting at my kitchen table with piles of shit spread out before me.
I am a pile maker. This goes in that pile, this one in that, bills here, medical bills here, junk mail, kids school papers, my school papers etc. etc.
My life is buried under piles of stuff that I cannot seem to deal with like a responsible adult.
I am admitting something major here - admitting you have the problem is after all the first and crucial step to addressing said issue and then changing....Great, another imperfect thing about myself that I must diligently strive to improve on - someone add that to the list of important self help shit to conquer - I think that list is in the "Must work on every day" pile.
Sheesh - that is my reality.
But anyways back to taking the first step.
Hi, my name is Deb and I am a disorganized pile maker that avoids paying her bills...
All true.
I make the piles, I like tidiness - I do.
I sort them, make sense of them, process their existence in my mind - then pile the piles one on top of the other and walk away.
Usually what happens - is I will go to turn on the TV or something and will not get an automatic picture, a blue screen or something appears and I go, "oh shit, did the cable get shut off?" and then I find the bill pile and realize I am over due on everything...
It's awful. I know, I acknowledge, I admit it.
Another great example - I just did that this morning with my water bill - opened it weeks ago got disgusted by the astronomical sewer charges, threw the bill down and walked away from it - not sure why I though about it this morning when I put in laundry, but thank God I did, shut off notice in the mail. Jesus.
And so, I sat down with the pile of crap that I have been adding to and subsequently avoiding for weeks, and began the torturous task of sort into mini-specific piles.
I came across a form from Wells Fargo to renew my free insurance they provide - yes FREE insurance - not much, but some....'Please return no later than September 5th to receive your FREE insurance for the next twelve months'
Date on the envelope - June 15th - today September 2nd.
Procrastination at it's worst, even when all I have to do is sign the damn thing and put it in a pre-paid envelope that they provide.
I am a mess....I know, trust me, I know.
I talked to Mary yesterday and she said, "Cameron and I got our cards today" - I like writing love notes, I make time for love notes, I even go to Hallmark peruse the aisle for just the right sentiment, and I buy stamps too....I enjoy that - I hate dealing with important shit that doesn't feel important to me, like paying the stupid electric bill.
Yes I like the light, but I do not like giving dominion power $239 every damn month, or in my case $478 every two months because last month I forgot to pay the bill....
I am awful, I know.... I need help, I know....
Just now I forced myself to stop blogging for about sixteen seconds, sign the insurance form and put in in the envelope, sigh - I need a Valium now.
Why does this bother me so? Why do I feel anxious at the prospect of being responsible in this way. I am so responsible elsewhere - here I am a train wreck and that is probably too kind a representation.
I am like those people on the hoarder shows that don't get the problem....
"Why are you annoyed with me Ms. Aqua Virginia customer service representative because I have not paid my bill and have ignored your notices?"
ugh, I know right?
So now that I have admitted that I am a pile ignore-er and an irresponsible bill paying adult, what do I do to change?
I have tried the day planner with the bill dates written in red and circled in hi-lighter and starred with gold foils etc. etc. - I ignore it, completely...I make it all pretty, I get all excited to be a big girl and then I avoid it like the plague.
Like the jury duty form on the table I am avoiding - I know it's there, it's looking right at me right now as I type, but I continue typing like nothing is demanding my attention, just too exhausted by the insurance form completion and envelope licking - I feel like one a day is all I can handle....
What the hell is wrong with me???
This has to be some deep seeded emotional damage from childhood that I have yet to uncover in the years of counseling that have stripped me bare of every other defense mechanism.
What could this be?
I really don't know, but I really have to figure it out - it's time for me to slay this unnamed - no faced demon and grow the hell up.
Now I feel bad about myself and I am sitting here with my face in my hands pouting.
I guess I should cut that shit out and go deal with that jury duty form - maybe confessing my evil to you all is the answer?
I feel your judgment and scorn and I hear you yelling "Get off the damn computer and go pay your bills already"
Fine, sigh, if you insist....

Part 2

Okay I am back....I know all of you are chomping at the bit - can't focus on your real lives because you are so curious about mine....NOT!!!
I am such a kidder.
I thought about part 1 of today's blog while I was in my English class - "have I already gone too far?"
Like I said earlier - I don't often mention the state of my marriage, why start now?
Well, I guess my answer is for the sake of being really REAL.
I have sat down at the computer previously, during times of real struggle, and unleashed emotional rants about my marriage that I have decided NOT to post, rather leaving them private to hang out in my draft box for all of eternity.
I have written like a mad woman, had all the emotion gush out of me like a water spicket open full blast and then thought, whoa - hmmmm - too much - too private - too real.
That is so unlike me....
I guess that when it comes to a public forum where my neighbors and friends, family and complete strangers read my stuff - airing on the side of privately cautious seems the right, appropriate way to go.
And then there are the kids to consider, but with confidence I can state that I would never say anything here that I couldn't say to them - it may be uncomfortable and I may or may not use so many swear words - but all in all, if I had to explain my blog thinking to them - I could.
Before I began to write earlier - after cleaning up the coffee spill and taking deep breaths with Kristin the coffee girl, I thought long and hard about what this blog really is to me?
Is it a place where I only want to go "so far" or is it a place where I want to represent myself and my thoughts as honestly as I can?
I always vote for going the way of the honesty as long as it does not threaten any one's livelihood, reputation or feelings.
And feelings are always at risk of being bruised so I approach every subject with respect, NEVER (that I can think of) blogging in a way that could be offensive to anyone. I hope I have always succeeded at that - respecting that we are all different and feel differently is of the utmost importance to me.
If I have ever failed and offended anyone, please message me and let me know....
At any rate back to my question - did I go too far in blog Part 1????
I am going to say, after much thought NO, I did not.
It is probably time for me to address this aspect of my life in some way, shape or form. And....If my husband reads this (he doesn't) I am confident I did not say anything hurtful or mean, just my tactful opinion of my life and my reality.
It is after all, my life too.
So....the subject that prompted me to start down this road to begin with was, DOUBLE STANDARDS.
I am back to that finally - wow I really went around the long way.
After all the thinking I did after Part 1, what I really question is if 'double standard' is the right label for the behavior I was pissed about?
I think so - but - I am on the fence. Maybe as I write it out I will clarify for myself just what in the hell I am talking about.
And, I have decided that the very specific details of my conversation with my husband that made the top of my head blow off, DO NOT need to be revealed here - that would be too much.
Here goes....
My husband and I had an interesting conversation last night, that basically, when boiled down, revealed what is okay for men, generally speaking, is NOT okay for women.
Or, at the very least, will earn a woman a label for the behavior, that is far uglier than that which a man would slap on another man's chest - in my mind a lot of men would pin a medal on a male lapel for the same deed that would get a woman labeled a bitch, a slut, a home-wrecker, a cougar, yada yada yada.
Hmmmmmmm. Yup I think my assessment is accurate.
Without specifics, my husband took issue with something I did, that was the absolute, unequivocal, beyond a reason of a doubt, RIGHT THING TO DO.
I handled myself just right.
BUT I got lamb basted by him for inviting the problem by being me.
Not, that the other person was out of line having full knowledge of the said situation and making said choice to do said thing which prompted my CORRECT reaction, but rather than this MALE was exempt somehow and I was in the wrong?
ugh I know that is hard to sort through without specifics, trust me, this was a clear cut case of WHAT????? "So you can be faced with the same situation, make the WRONG choice and reason it away with a mouthful of lame excuses, BUT when I am faced with it and make the RIGHT choice somehow I am still guilty because I MUST have asked for it?"
Oh fuck no....
Why does our society do that?
Men get away with all kinds of shit, that women get all kinds of shit for doing...
It really pisses me off, like more than I can tell you.
A penis does not make you innocent.
A vagina does not make you automatically guilty OR guilty of asking for "it" OR provoking "it".
I have steam coming out of my ears again....there goes my smooth hair....ugh
Thing is, yes my husband made my blood boil, but that is normal - Dan and I living through each day on the same continent is a miraculous act of God.
What really gets me, really really gets me, is just how prevalent this train of thought is....
I wouldn't do half the shit that my husband has, but if I did, I guarantee a lot of you reading would think of me differently.
And not 'differently' than you do of me now necessarily, but differently than you would if you held Dan and I up to each other comparatively.
Grrrr so many examples and so little time as I have to drive back to school for my night class - good thing it involves a tread mill.
A woman can be branded with a scarlet letter of judgment in her community for an indiscretion....A bad mother, a slut, but.... a man is just a dog.
Hugh Heffner marries women fifty years his junior and he is freaking icon along with his mansion of smut...
Oh puhlease if a woman his age did that she would be a crazy old desperate hag of a cougar!!!!
Shit drives me nutsssss.
Okay I really do have to go - I feel like I have not done this justice as there are so many societal examples I want to discuss.
This has always been an issue and continues to be one - men still make more money than women even with statistics showing female college graduates perform better and grade higher.
A woman climbing the ladder is a bitch, a guy doing the same, ambitious....
So much to say, so little time.
And no time to re-read, spell check and proof.
I will say as I go, that I won the fight last night, hands down.
And if that makes me a raging feminist to his male chauvinist, well then, that label I take willingly, slap it right on my boobs where everyone can see it....

Part 1

Good Morning,
Well sort of - I mean yes a great morning - I woke up didn't I? Makes it great right out the gate, so ..... Yay for that. I did however, just dump my ENTIRE large coffee all over the hallway floor as I ran between classes, trying to cram in breakfast and a quick blog.
It was actually pretty funny so, all in all - yes all, remains great.
ALLI PERSPECTIVE - thanks for that honey...
I wanted to discuss DOUBLE STANDARDS today - I have issues with this - major like make my head wanna explode issues.
GRRRRRRR they are applied to women FAR TOO OFTEN and with FAR TOO MUCH EASE which suggests an mindset of 'normalcy' and man does this piss me off.
My next class begins in 20 minutes - how far into this topic can I reach with so little time for clarity, clarification and justification?
Not too far but, whatever - it is where I am going.
If you leave me offended, welllllll - I don't know what to tell you.

These blogs are about my life, yes?
YES.
They are for all intents and purposes WIDE OPEN.
HOWEVER, I rarely if ever, speak about my husband or my marriage - my reasons for this vary.
The main one being - that relationship in my mind has very LITTLE to do with who I am on a daily basis.
YIKES you say? Yeah tell me about.....
The long and the short of it is this - It has been a seventeen year relationship plagued with the worst issues that you can imagine. I have been (in my opinion) on the receiving end of the shit MOST of the time.
Not ALL the time as I am a pain in the ass and have made my fair share of mistakes mind you - BUT....as I said IN MY OPINION - I have done the majority of the suffering/coping.
Three years ago, I left my husband and struck out on my own with absolutely nothing.
I had to give up everything to try to find a life for me with SOME real meaning - it happens a lot to women in this country, don't be fooled.
I fought my way through poverty and loneliness, I went to counseling and re-evaluated ME and my issues, began to do the required hard work from my childhood that would end result me as a healthy human being.
I gathered up my gumption and went to college - I kicked ass and took names across the board.
The entire time - I remained single on PURPOSE - I had to not fall into the easy answer of a sugar Daddy or the wrong kind of comfort.
I did it all alone.
I like being alone.
Because after two years of hard work - I really like me. My company is pretty damn entertaining if I do say so myself.
At any rate - long to short - after two years of watching my kids suffer horribly and really only getting them for like 10 waking hours a week - I decided to let my husband have chance #5 gazillion, and for the sake of the family try again - I thought maybe, with the new me intact and super healthy/happy, maybe just maybe I would tolerate our issues better and therefore fix them with less emotional struggle.
Welllllll.... takes two to go to marriage counseling and a year into the "reconciliation" there is still only one person willing to do the work.
Wanna guess who?
Yeah you guessed it, me.
Thing is - we have been living for a year as room mates not husband and wife - our "marriage" is LEGAL, but only binding (in my mind) on paper.
There were two conditions I required to move forward, as it stands there is a deficit of two met conditions - GO FIGURE.
I am OKAY.
I am HAPPY.
I am not DYING or rolling around on my kitchen floor writing in emotional pain (anymore - been there done it)
It sucks for me yeah, sucks for my kids to see their parents pass like two ships fighting for the territory of choppy waters.
My husbands favorite phrase "It is what it is"...
YUP.
There is the minimal background I need to share to get you to speed....
Now on to the double standard portion of the blog - but shit, noooooo, it's class time.
Twenty minutes you go too fast....
Consider this Part 1 - the cliff hanger....
Hahahaha how many of you will be on the edge of your seat now?
I will be back - promise :)

take two and call me in the morning.

What's this? Two blogs in one day, what what???
I am back in the library can you believe it? On Tuesdays I live at school - here at the crack o' and until the doors get locked for the night.
I love it - don't get me wrong.
I love everything about it, ESPECIALLY that this semester in order to graduate and transfer out I MUST take a Phys ed. class...
At first I was pissed - really? Pay the college to force me to work out, grrrr.
But now I am like Yessssss, why can't I do this every semester?
I just spent two hours in the new gym at the college and feel like the old me.
Not old as in ancient, over forty, elderly BUT rather the previous bad ass version that threw around weight bars like they were feathers and dripped sweat after running miles or spinning or pumping...
I felt like the old me who cared that I could out run an attacker. And, that if by chance that said attacker was a runner too and he caught me, well he was in for the fight of his life and a possible skull fracture cause my thighs were that strong - I could kill you with my legs I swear, crack skulls like nuts.
I showed up in my gear with my ipod and BEGGED the instructor to allow me to switch from the morning class that I am enrolled in to the evening class - it gives me the freedom to take another English class cause I am a sick person who cannot get enough literature or the good doctor.
I pleaded with her, gave her my sob story, mother of four - limited time - tight schedule - yada yada...
You know what she said? "you have four kids?"
When I told her that one of my children was a student here and in an evening class on Tuesdays night and that is why I need to switch so desperately (car pooling) she didn't believe me - thought I was lying, fabricating, making up kids that are not real...
SMILE SMILE SMILE.
Told her I was 41 (almost) and she didn't believe me again - SMILE BIG SMILE.
Told me I look awesome.
Yeah yeah whatevs, but can I still crush heads with my legs is the question?
Can I still run like the wind?
Probably not, BUT give me a month or two and I'll be back -
IT FELT SOOOOO GOOD.
Thing is, I am an athlete - a born athlete.
I love to be physical - love to sweat - love to push through walls of pain.
LOVE IT.
What the hell was I ever thinking letting this part of my life go?
Oh wait, I know - get your college degree Deb, write a book or three....
Right, only so many hours in the day...
Ugh.
But sahweeet that I HAVE to take this class - shucks...Sorry kids (throat clear) Mom has to go to school.
School is a gym !!!!! Yippee.
Okay enough of that -

I am amazed at how many people read my blog today...I know that most of the people who did will probably never ever read it again, I know that most of the hits were from Alli's remembrance facebook page, the astounding numbers certainly do not reflect my popularity. It is all about Alli and the grief.
I am cool with it not being about me, I write for you.... - I just kept watching the numbers rise and was like WOW this is amazing. Hundreds of you read - Hundreds....
I hope every one of those hundreds took my words literally - love revolution - life mission - cumulative effort....
I just know she would feel it - sigh.

Wouldn't it be nice if all those teenagers and young adults kept reading DEB DOES LIFE though? It really would - it would make me sooooo happy to have young blog followers.
Kiddos keep reading me...
Well, the sweat circles under my boobs are now making me cold because my body temp has regulated and being wet in the air conditioning is no longer a good thing - I am freezing, so I guess I shall go do math homework where it is warmer.
Have to remember toiletries for Thursday and then I can shower....
Sorry kids Mom has to go to school (AND SHOWER :) - this is too good to be true.

Bless you all - have a beautiful night.

Love revolution - name it - 'FOR ALLI'

Good Morning Bloggers,
I sit here in the library bleary eyed and gulping my hot coffee by the mouthful regardless of the fact that it is scalding ass hot -
I have insomnia again - a really bad bout.
Part of me knows that it is my thyroid acting up and that I MUST make time to get back to the doctor and get the right cocktail of meds to gain some relief. Part of of me also knows that my sleepless nights are due to an overactive brain that just cannot stop thinking about Alli Buck and the enormous hole left in the lives of so many by her loss.
I spent a good deal of last night contemplating and trying to reckon with big questions, rather than allowing my body and mind to rest.
I cannot help it - I feel like I MUST think things through, make the best kind of sense that can be deduced from facts and then TRY TRY TRY to apply whatever the hell I come up with to my own life in a positive way.
I feel like it is my job to absorb the pain of the world around me and then manifest it outward in positivity, hope, encouragement and love.
I take it all in, every detail of the pain, every possible meaning - allow it to hurt, confound, confuse, frustrate, reel etc.etc. and then flip it ever so slowly until it is right side up, right side being positive side.
hard to say that someone's death can be positive right?
Jesus don't I know that one all too well, all too close up, all too familiar.
The only thing I can do to cope is allow the pain to equal love.
And then give it, give it, give it.
Right now I am in the churn stage - the sadness is churning about inside my head and my guts - Her Mother - Her Father - Her Sister - Her best friend Alex - Her community - the kids she coached and the list goes on and on.
I see them in my mind as myself - I imagine if it were my daughter Emma - I become Alli's Mother for a bit....(God help her)
I imagine it is my Best friend Mary - I become Alex for a bit...(Poor Baby girl)
I imagine it is one of my sisters, Ash or Toto - I become Julie for a bit. (An only child now?)
I don't have to know Alli well or her Mom, or Alex or Julie -
I have to force me, to be me in their imagined shoes....
It hurts beyond what I can express.
And, truth is - I have been where they now are - My boyfriend, My Dad, My Papa - all gone, but never forgotten.
Have to visit the pain.
Have to let it seep in and take hold.
Have to suffer the grief paralysis.
Have to have to have to.
It is who I am.
And then, I will give MORE love than I already do, give it with greater purpose and make it a tribute in my own heart to ALLI BUCK, her family, her BFF.
It's what I do to survive a life that often feels unfair, nonsensical, brutal....
I had someone say to me once - "you don't have to go there you know?"
Really?
No really... I do.
I think we should all go there - close your eyes and go.
Then open them slowly, let your easy world that is so easy to bitch about come into focus slowly - be grateful,
Look at the person next to you in the computer lab and say "I love your outfit - and what a great smile you have"
Give love and lift up.
I know I keep saying it... I know I am stuck on a theme here.
I may be for a long while to come.
I imagine Alli's Mom will hurt forever - so....what is it for me to stick with an Alli inspired theme of appreciation and love for a bit?
Easy.
Quite possibly the easiest thing I can do - and for now, until my bad time comes again - how lucky for me...
I challenge you all here reading to try to do the same.
In your head Make Alli someone you love and go there.
Do the eye open thing and LOVE hard core after. Not just for a minute, an hour a day...
Make it your life mission.
Make Alli's death your inspiration - name it in your head 'for Alli.'
If we all do that - really do it, feel the pain, do the work, stop yourself from going the too easy road - I bet she will feel us...
I bet she will feel the cumulative love effort and be proud that she started a love revolution.
I challenge you....
You up for it?
Let's do it, c'mon do it with me please.

I know why Socrates didn't write shit down....

I just had a Socrates like experience, a very lengthy blog just poured out of me.
I was practicing the Socratic method of philosophizing - asking questions and eliminating non-facts with my answers.
You will note, the blog is not posted...

It was too heavy, even for me....

Life is hard.
Life hurts a lot.
Life often feels like repeated blows to the face long after you know the damn bell has rung and you are supposed to be resting in your corner, safely reevaluating your strategy -
BAM!!!!

Life can suck....

Just remember that somewhere, everywhere even - someone, a lot of people, would rather take your sucker punch to the jaw than face the horror of their battle.

Live it. Every moment. Get present and keep perspective.

Laugh and cry in equal measure (and cry for others more than you do yourself)

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE