unintended extremes

I had no intention of getting on this blog site tonight...I had every intention to go straight into a coma and remain that way until 6am tomorrow morning. But....I was in the shower singing and thinking - I was thinking about my ability to read people....Like I have this uncanny ability to read people - I very quickly see who someone is and in addition what they need - or at least their terms.Then I thought, wow you think highly of yourself Miss Deb....then I thought of children and then I thought. well yeah I should be sure of myself. I know people, I know this because I know kids and although they are the most unassuming, they certainly lay themselves out in the same way that they assume nothing. They tell you who they are, if and I say if, you are paying attention. And kids are my favorite people, they are so new with themselves and untainted about anything and everything... I do kids well. I always get on their level and let them have my full attention and my capacity of patience. "oh you will love me, watch me win you over on your terms baby braticus, the decision is all yours" (Sydney) Or to Leona, "I hear you girlfriend leaves are powerful tools of persuasion and for us special girls, like you and me and your momma, they double nicely as tools of expression too" I see the human being. That is a kick ass gift.....You doubt me? Go ahead and as any of my friends with kids - I am overly interested in the baby person, more so than any other adult friend. I love that my friends kids are pieces of my friends in legacy, the torch pass, the future, the time. Today Leona was in the shop and I watched her while the new Dave played on the stereo. Rachel's eyes swollen and puffy from the nuances of the nights listen. I watched Leona go towards the music, physically, she put her self directly in front of it, she went so far as to push herself into the tightest corner by the speaker. I told her, if I were her, that is exactly what I would have done too. Then I looked at my beautiful friend Rachel who has gone from childless woman to woman with child and I thought, 'I was here before, during and would you look at that after - a baby girl self shoved in a corner by the artistry. I am lucky. I am so lucky to have so many friends with so many fantastic kids - so many co-parents in our greatest and most difficult journey. My friends kids are family - we are in for the long haul, the tears at graduations and the she's one of my Mom's dearest friends wedding invitations.... Today I saw my dear friend Gigi's daughter Taylor on the mall... She is living in Manhattan now, a model. Her mom died 7 years ago, one of the greatest losses of life I have ever witnessed.....Taylor came walking down the mall as I worked on a rack outside, I heard "Deborah" said only the way her voice would say it....I remembered her instantly a long lean dark, green eyed beauty who would say at ten "oh Deborah" with her too big for her mouth teeth making a lisp sound at very beginning of my name. We would have been disagreeing over something like the merits of a chocolate bar a half hour before her Mom would be serving her dinner.... Taylor stood before me a woman - I thought, I wish her Mom could see her now. Kids struggle and then they learn to endure - in Taylor the ability to endure has manifested in enduring beauty - she is breath taking and I miss her Mom. I paid attention and the pay off is sweet. My perspective over time is more refined than everyone else.... So sure of myself. Kids are where it is at. Watching them grow is where it will be. Being me is difficult in so many ways - my fierce perception makes the world equally painful and beautiful. I just feel both ends of the spectrum to the extreme. It is not an easy way to live. But, I don't think I would be able to function otherwise if a choice were presented and a viable option. I am me and me is all I will ever know. I will be the crazy old lady in the nursing home talking too loudly and in the middle of dinner about oral sex. I will make the quiet old ladies laugh under their breath, curt hand covering their smiles and the irritable bitty's will throw food at me in disgust and cry to the orderlies about my offensive mouth. I will also be the old lady that as you push her by in her wheel chair and she catches wind of a child, well, I will extend my old crow talon, a great wide smile will spread across my crooked dentures and my watery, cloudy eyes will see clearly for the first time since the last time I set eyes on a child.... I hope I grow old after making a lot of money because the old folks home I will be in, will have to be privately funded - I am going to make the insane amount of money they charge worth every damn penny. Kinda like my Papa did, only with a whole lot of Nana too.... I will also see Christmas trees that aren't there and accurately know all the birds business in that tree across the way from the sitting room window. I miss them. My Nana and Papa. And see, crying now. One joyful extreme to the painful other......... I live to live and die to die. I have a question?????? AND SOMEONE PLEASE ANSWER ME OR SEVERAL, OR EACH OF YOU THAT READ THIS --------- DO YOU GET WHAT I MEAN WHEN I WRITE? THIS IS IMPORTANT. DO YOU GET ME? DO I COMMUNICATE IT?