hope springs subjectively.

I am going to make this as quick as I can. maybe you should get a drink....I am not going to reread this or edit it. It is a steady stumble and best not to question. I posted on facebook just now that I am taking a leave from that social arena and I will also not be blogging for a bit - I am sad to say. The thing is, I need a break from the stage. This old girl is just plain tired of the lights and all the staging that I am hopelessly missing at every mark. I am feeling dirty from the filth that I have submerged myself in and I need a long hot bath and a few months to write and attempt to survive. I am not sure that I can ever accurately explain what it is that has occurred in the last nine months of my life - other than to say that I have had to learn to let go of hope. I have to watch a life choose to divert away from the right path - speed away, kicking up dirt and rocks, peeling out sideways in a panic. I am no good with refusal to do the right thing. I suck at wasted potential. I am miserable in holding patterns that are just mazes with a trick or treat up their sleeve. I suffer miserably in the raw of my emotional awareness, the acute ability to feel every minor detail. I am unparalleled in walking the tight rope on my pretty toes. I am stale in disgust presently with myself and almost everyone else. It is an improper place to stay, hoping - the place I am in. I hope that I don't run out of stamina, it surely feels fume like at this juncture. I do not want any of you regular readers to worry about me - if you understand me at all through these two hundred or so looks into me - you know that I am okay.... I am just needing to, as I said on facebook, devote all my concentration to fighting the Devil that hounds me. I said....Angels and Devils are only different because one fell from grace - At this point, I am a pin up girl in her hey day, laying scantily on the silver platter. The devil is an invited guest at the table, My wings are on the menu. I have to go away and fight for my survival. I have no time to blog about what I am up to - I need to be in full on, gotta live again mode. I can give up on love, I have done it a thousand in one times in my life - I am well aware that love sometimes, has to be laid to rest an expendable casualty which saves the platoon. Giving up on hope is altogether different. I have been taught to always have hope - it manifested in the microscope slide, an incurable virus. One which attacks my genetics, I am isolated in hope. I gotta give up and take antibiotics, try to cure this disease. Hope is always good, right? NOPE. It is sometimes, in the face of the unchangeable, the worst possible thing to cling to. I have to give up my hope. It feels like I may die - I won't, it just feels like it. I am merely a child, naive that darkness is subjective and so is my beloved hope. I am an innocent mind in a world of obvious. And so - I bid you adieu. Not forever so don't panic. I plan to, in all the moments I am not blogging to be writing this story. You will miss me, but I will come back with a book you can curl up on the couch with. I promise it will be worth the longing. It has to be. Cause I have to give up on hope. Be well and make good choices. I love you.