EAU DE CLOROX

Good Morning blog readers,
My, yet again, it's been a while.
If my daughter were not home sick as hell, I dare say it would have been longer before I logged in to ramble on.
I am home, yet again - sick kid = no school, no work and feeling a lot like a complete failure.
Not because she's sick, mind you - but because I am in a constant state of not being able to keep up with commitments, responsibilities and demands.
I feel like there needs to be at least five of me to get done all that I need to do.
It is frustrating at best.
This morning after I drank too much coffee and had a long talk with the bff and then compulsively moved furniture,
I sat down and pondered -
When, if ever, will I catch a break?
When, if ever will things get easier?
I looked about my house that I cleaned the hell out of just yesterday and saw new messes.
The kitchen floor could use sweeping again...
There are multiple loads of laundry if differing cycles of spin, dry or needs folding.
The dog hair is visible on the carpet I just friggen vacuumed.
I have piles of homework to attempt,
and a sick baby girl with a persistent fever and hives...
When will the work slow down?
My answer, with a heavy heave of a sigh - when I am dead.
Death is no great alternative to my full life so I may as well get used to it and stop cursing the heavens, hands fisted to the sky in a plea - "why"?????
My life is crazy - I do too much - I am spread way too thin.
For the time being, that is just the way it is - no change in sight.
I have a lot of kids and a lot of dreams.
Some days, like yesterday, I think - 'what the hell am I doing in college?'
Why am I pushing myself to the limit?
Life would be easier if I quit school - gave up the fight and said screw this I am just too tired.
But, I would be hopelessly miserable if I did that - more miserable than I am on days when I have to send my boss or professors the email saying "Emma is sick again"....
I feel guilty and somewhat worthless for not being able to just effortlessly glide through my life - but life isn't really about gliding is it?
It's about climbing, a constant climb to get up and over obstacles.
And like that Miley Cyrus song that always makes me cry when Emma forces me to listen to it on the car radio - 'there's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna wanna make it move'
I weep, every time, bawl... - go figure Hannah Montana and I are kindred.
I have to keep going and just do the best I can.
Like last semester with my first college B - I hated that I had to make the choice between studying and my kids - felt like I should be able to earn the A regardless of anything because I am capable of nothing less than a 4.0 - but....Kids need their Momma's more than I need to always do what I am capable of.
Sometimes you gotta half ass things and accept that half ass is better than no ass and that is enough.
It's hard for me.
I set the bar super high.
I have stomach flab I want gone.
I have homework piled hip high.
I have books to write.
Publishers to hound.
I have kids who need help with their algebra homework(Jesus Help us)
A whole world to charm.
I cannot do it all.
And that, is painfully hard for me.
Something has to give on a daily basis and it is a process of necessary selection, which hurdles are the must jump today, which do I simply go around?
One day I am sure that things will be less chaotic, less demanding -
A lot of people that know me well say I will be bored silly, if and when that ever happens.
I think they are right - if the world isn't squeezing me, I squeeze the world.
I can't sit still - it's why I don't watch TV - who the hell can sit still long enough to get mind numbed???
Not me.
The only time I sit is to write and even then, I have impossibly itchy britches - I usually chair dance to music on my ipod to get through.
I only wish that I didn't feel like such a loser when I call in sick and make my excuses to professors - I feel like people automatically assume that I am sitting on my fat ass eating bob bons in front of the tv, rather than bleaching door handles when my kid is home sick.
I smell like clorox today, trust me, I have been cleaning non-stop since seven thirty - attempting to rid the house of Emma's viral germiness.
See, there I go, justifying myself and feeling like a failure.
UGH - the plight of Motherhood - guilt...
I gotta work on the guilt - I will add that to my TO-DO list right under,#67 do your nails.
sigh - the complaints of a full life....
Seems contradictory doesn't it?
I have missed running my mouth - I hope you have missed me too.
Have a great day - off to my list and the bleach :)