Bottom - up.

Good Sunday morning to you all,
I have had an incredibly difficult week - if you don't want to know, stop reading now.
This is one of those times where I sit before the keys with fidgety fingers and a pounding heart and question - just how much do I share?
Thing is,
as you blog followers know, this is an honest journal about my life's truths.
Not everything in life is cupcakes and roses, especially mine and so - I share it all,
even the ugliness.
As you all know, I have been "reconciled" with my husband for the last year or so - reconciled is far too kind a representation,
we have been sharing a house, but nothing more.
When he moved in with me there were promises of counseling, marriage and family, family counseling in my mind was essential as my two oldest boys have suffered a lot of whip lash on the roller coaster ride of this marriage.
Needless to say, there has been nothing but a lot of excuses and stalling - a cycle continued.
I probably justified the misery (no probably about it) by telling myself that somehow, Dan and I living together at the very least provided Emma and Matt with the stability of both parents and a more secure economic situation -
when I was alone, I was dirt poor, barely able to keep up my strategy of letting bills lapse until disconnect notices came and paying just the minimum to keep the lights on.
It was unbelievably difficult and hard on someone like me, at this stage of my life, someone so proud and I admit, extremely bitter to be stripped of nothing in order to gain my freedom.
I look to MLK to remind me, I am not the first person in the history of the world to experience that frustration....
I told myself that us together was better than us apart for the sake of the kids.
It wasn't, I dare say at the threat of sounding like a know it all,
IT NEVER IS.
Not only did it make no difference economically because somehow we were still broke (I think it's food prices),
but more importantly with the lack of counseling or any progress to speak of,
the kids were just exposed to a whole lot of misery and family members who passed like very tense ships in the night.
Walking on egg shells just does not convey.
My truth is,
that as far as I am concerned in this marriage,
I have done it all, given every chance and then some, and then stupidly, some more.
I know that people who have not lived this, judge me poorly for allowing him back in after the cheating, lying, emotional abuse, physical out bursts, the loss of our house etc. etc.
I know that a lot of people in my life though I was fucking tapped to ever consider "trying" again.
I understand their judgment, I get it.
I just say in my defense that you can only understand the burden and confusion of a heart like mine if you have been in the situation and, if you know the powers of emotional abuse first hand.
I don't think that gives me a free pass on any of the bad choices and mistakes that I have made,
on the contrary,
in fact,
right now my heart is suffering more than it ever has at the hands of anyone else - it is pissed off at me for allowing so many things to happen that never should have.
I have to deal with my reality, work through my guilt, accept responsibility with my children, especially Brian and Kevin,
apologize profusely to them for what they have had to endure because of my choices and offer them a hand up out of the quick sand of shit they have been thrown in.
I have to repair kit the hell out of the damage and never give up hope that it can be reversed, the bad behaviors they have learned by example, un-done.
It's a mess - my heart is a mess.
But, I feel clear and I feel ready and I feel strong.
This week, another out-burst in the house occurred between Dan and Kevin.
Dan only ever speaks to Kevin to tell him to do the dishes or in some other way be-little or insult him.
Dan thinks both the older boys are basically useless and yet, sees no correlation between why they may struggle and his treatment of them and/or his treatment of me.
Kevin hates the man he once loved, the man who has raised him since he was one.
There is not a shred of respect.
Any shred that may have served as a thread connecting them was severed two years ago when they had a physical confrontation that ended with Dan bending back Kevin's fingers threatening to break them.
Kevin, the guitar player, his fingers his art form, his life line, his life.
The emotional devastation that he felt, I know, all too well.
I am to blame for allowing the two anywhere near each other without counseling happening first - the promise of counseling was not enough.
It happened again, an explosion and this time Kevin took matters into his own hands and called the police.
His step father was arrested and has been out of the house since.
I am hoping for the sake of Matthew and Emma that he has sunk to his lowest point with this and will now get the help he so desperately needs.
Three affairs, getting fired from his job, losing our house, having his wife and kids at poverty level, losing friendships and respect and the love of his step children has not yet, equaled a bottoming out.
He is in deep shit now, and I cannot do a thing, nor will I, to help him out of it.
The time has come.
And, it's been a long time coming.
I feel very emotional and yet, incredibly calm.
I like being alone.
I hate being "lonely", but I like my life my way and under my control.
I enjoy the freedom of my moods being all mine and not induced or affected by anyone else.
I will be okay alone.
I am scared shit less of the money situation.
As it stands today, I don't have enough to pay my rent alone, I don't have access to his money and if history is any indicator,
he will let us all suffer before doing the honorable thing.
And, yay for it being the Holiday season!
I need God or an angel to throw cash from the sky like he throws squirrels...
It will be okay, I know, I am a survivor built to get through.
I am naturally worried about my kids.
Emma and Matt love their Dad.
As they should.
They are sad and scared and confused.
I am trying really hard to exhibit calm and confidence, "everything is going to be just fine loveys"
So far, I think they believe me.
My daughter has started leaving me notes all over the house that kill me - great, she's a writer like her mom.
"Dear Mom,
I miss Dad so much my heart is breaking inside me"
sigh.
I know baby - mine has felt that way a million times in the last seventeen years.
I just forge forward with positivity and hope and appear stronger than wonder woman for my kids.
As far as Brian and Kevin are concerned, SIGH, the emotional scars are visible and throbbing and are going to be harder to fix than the munchkins.
They have to be willing to let me help them, willing to look into themselves to see the damage within and work to fix it - that is tough with a teenager and a grown man who think they are nothing like the man that raised them,
but are absolutely products of an emotionally unstable environment.
My positive influence was strong, but the negative influence in parenting always pervades and plants it's ugly seeds.
I do not want my boys to be emotionally abusive and I fear without intervention that is just what they will be as much as they say they will not.
I fear I negated my voice, effectively silenced it, by ALLOWING Dan the opportunity to drown it out.
I fucked up big time.
And, I know it.
In hindsight - my own childhood came into play here - I was not fixed myself, had not overcome that emotional damage, married a man just like my Mother.
Crazy how we do that.
What you know feels safer than what you don't even if it's miserable.
Misery loves a symphony (Ben Harper)
I know better now, I have been working on knowing better for three years now.
I can say with confidence - crazy miserable unhealthy abusive instability is NOT attractive to me anymore....
It has been a bad week, I'm whooped and yet - okay.
Sad all around, for all of us.
Sad for what we never had, for what we had that we lost, for what we have endured, for what we face.
But I know, we will be just fine.
I am typed out for the time being, my stomach hurts (stress) and I should face my only day off and do some constructive things with my time.
Not that this isn't - I have just said enough and I don't want to cry which is starting up with my words.
Time to switch gears and not wallow...
For all of you who have supported me, I love you and thank you.
Have a blessed day.