Part 2 - Ten years ago.

What it meant, explained Dr. T nervously, was that my son had a condition known as hydrocephalus, which is commonly, but inaccurately referred to as "water on the brain" - for my nineteen week old son what this meant (I would come to understand better in the days following) was that something undetectable, undiagnosable was blocking the fourth, rear ventricle in his brain - this blockage was interrupting the constant flow of cerebral spinal fluid that is flowing through our bodies in a circular fashion at all times - in through the back right ventricle passed to the front right, over then to the front left and to the back left, down the spine and back up again, REPEAT - an ever constant loop of life precious fluid.
My son's back left ventricle looked like a kidney bean all swollen and big, when it should have looked, at least to my lay person eyes, like they variation of gray matter, indiscernible - just as on the right side.
I heard the words, I saw the photos in front of me, I saw Dan's wedding ring spinning out of the corner of my eye and I felt my baby move, inside of ME.
It is really difficult for me to articulate that moment in time....
If there are words that accurately convey it, I have yet to discover the proper sequence.
I cannot tell you what it felt like - All I can say, is that I have never in all my life felt the way I did in that moment.
I had been dizzy before - fainted even.
I had been nauseous before - puked my guts up.
I had felt fear - too many varieties to name.
I had felt grief - Omar's untimely death.
The moment I heard the words "your son's brain has developed abnormally" - I realized in my mind some concept of actual infinity - then, that every bad emotion I had ever known (on any scale in my life) had suddenly multiplied by this new fathomed endless concept, morphed into an actual animate object, and fell on top of me,crushing me, to within inches of my death or life - Yes, okay, breath making it to my lungs, but in a pinched stream of barely bursts.
Yes keeping me conscious but, only enough to feel the pain of breathing.
I watched Dan spin his ring..... And thought about my other boys, what would I say to them, how would I break the news to them, how would I ever be capable of comforting these two little men who had innocently and excitedly come to see their new baby?
What words would I use?
Abnormal brain development?
Clogged ventricle?
Special head?
The room got very grainy - I always describe it like the Andy Warhol pop art print of Marilyn Monroe - everything broke down to dots - atoms - the room around me was breaking apart.
The doctor gently explained that he had no answers, but that, when he has seen "similar" scenarios - the outcome has rarely been good.
So wait.....in my head...."you can't fix this?"
Wait....You are saying he is going to die?
Wait, what?
Wait, I want to go back to this afternoon when I was eating that stupid fucking nectarine.
Wait.....what is happening?
There was no diagnosis and may never be, unless the fetus was aborted, an autopsy performed, a brain dissection. - this could provide valuable answers - not that will help you naturally because your baby will be dead, but for future Mother's who will watch their husband spin their wedding bands right there in that very chair...
What? Abortion?
Yes - "You may want to consider termination"
But wait, he just kicked me - abort him? Why?
This cannot be fixed?
NO DIAGNOSIS - we just don't know what to fix....

I was then given what little information could be ascertained - Dr.T assured me he would research case studies and try to gather material for me to read to "weigh" the possible outcomes which could "sway" the direction of my decision.
But....."Keep in mind that you are almost outside the window of a legal abortion here in Virginia - if you choose to terminate here, it must be within the week... or we can travel to North Carolina where I have practicing rights and we can deliver the baby there."
Wait deliver the baby???
Yes - deliver the baby naturally and let him die in my arms.....
Dan stopped spinning his ring and stood up to shake Dr.T's warm hand, he told us "this is the part of my job I dread"
This is the part of my life I had no idea just an hour ago I would dread -
And I walked slowly, the weight on my chest crushing my lungs, I walked slowly to the elevator wanting to get inside of it and for the doors to close so I could be alone in private and finally, finally scream.
I remember leaning on the wall, holding on to the brass rail that lined the moving room - I was spinning so hard inside a scream couldn't form - I writhed about as something gathered inside me - something I didn't know, something I had never felt, something that I was afraid to feel, something that I thought might kill me when it was realized - I hummed in a moan of denial as the sound finally formed in my throat, I tried to swallow it out of pure fear, pure instinct.
The doors opened - I walked, breath getting harder to take - I walked out into the light of the beautiful May day, Nana's birthday - and as Dan told the boys to stay with me, he was going to retrieve the car - as I lost sight of his wedding band as he walked away, the thing that was rising inside me burst forth suddenly, heaving out of my body, literally sending me into my young son's arms -
He was ten at the time, Brian, my eldest, my over emotional child, he caught me when my legs gave out - he caught me as I cried out, a sound so distinct it can NEVER be mistaken for anything else - The cry, The plea, The prayer, The "NO" of a Mother who has just lost her child.

And with that - I need some moments to cry and stretch the tension out of my neck.
I warned you - tough stuff for me.