NIPS and CHEEZ ITS and OJ oh my.

Have you ever craved something so much,
that to not get it makes you literally insane?
I am right there, right now,
in this very stupid fucking moment.
I want orange juice.
A big, ice cold, pulp free glass of minute maid.
I want to guzzle it non stop like a shot, a whole 8oz glass of it.
If my head were not hurting so,
I would most definitely haul my pathetic ass up out of this bed and drive to foodlion pronto.
Unfortunately, my head hurts so much to drive at night whilst in the throws of full on craving could end with me in a wreck,
and a wreck over oj = no good.
If not for the pain, I would be guzzling right now.
Lately, I feel as though I am either channeling my Papa's spirit or,
I am possessed by it - either way - he is in me full force.
It started about a month ago when I was walking through CVS and grabbed the goddamn NIPS from the candy aisle - again they were on sale and clearly I have not learned any lessons (if you read my blog you know that the "nips" cost me $5,000 in dental work)
I have eaten about twenty five boxes of chocolate parfait nips in the last month.
No lie, my jeans are tight.
At least a five pound gain from the NIPS.
He ate them allllll the time.
had a box of them next to his chair in the den,
my Grandparents NEVER ran out of NIPS.
If you do not know what a NIPS is, don't ever ever ever eat one - if you do - don't say I never warned you.
Consider yourself warned.
NIPS are a hard caramel candy that get kinda gooey when you get it in your mouth - sort of the same idea as a tootsie pop and we all know how that goes.
The melty hard candy turns to pure sugary bliss, in this case coffee flavored,
your mouth waters with more spit and becomes washed in deliciousness,
you suck harder and begin to consider gnawing on it - chewing becomes inevitable.
NIPS have chocolate silky goodness inside - better than a tootsie roll on any day.
You suck and chew and the caramel gets stuck to your teeth and you rue the day CVS put them on sale and then you immediately start unwrapping another one.
It goes on and on like this until someone loses a filling or your jeans won't goddamn button - in my case because I am a glutton for my own punishment, BOTH.
Ugh.
I blame it on Papa, he is clearly with me and it's all his fault.
Now you doubt me and feel like I cannot own my own problems and think 'poor Papa' she is selling him out -
Okay I feel you BUT....
He is in me and I know it, not only because of the NIPS but also,
yep there is more,
the ever lovin' CHEEZ IT's...
What in the hell is she talking about you wonder?
When Papa was not eating NIPS, he was eating CHEEZ IT's - no lie, I kid you not.
Three things always in the house - NIPS, CHEEZ IT's and take a guess, go on I dare you - MINUTE MAID ORANGE JUICE.
In addition to the NIPS, I CANNOT stop eating CHEEZ IT's, like I said in a previous blog - right now, the snack machine and the dollar bag of 3oz. CHEEZ IT's is the very best thing about college this semester.
I cannot stop - and here is the thing,
I don't really love them.
I mean yeah they are good, but not high on my snack food list until about a month ago.
And now today with the orange juice.
I tell you, I am possessed.
And I wonder what my Papa wants with me.
Is he hungry - or, is he trying to tell me something else and if that is the case,
what the hell is it?
Along with the food, I have a re-occurring dream of a highway that leads from the US into Canada, but when it does,
Canada becomes all wonky like Willy Wonka Johnny Depp version.
Everything about Canada is neon and exaggerated and just plain weird.
I have been to Canada - nothing weird about it - so.....I wonder why the wonky Canada and why do I call my Papa from a payphone and say "I did it again - missed the turn and I am in Canada"
He comes to retrieve me every time.
The dream is always the same.
Always the same - been having it all month.
My Papa died a year and a half ago - so what is going on?
I don't know what I believe - we all know that.
I waiver between believing in an afterlife and believing in other things, maybe even nothing at all.
So what is with the NIPS, the CHEEZ IT obsession, the new Orange juice craving, the dream?
I don't know what I think, but I do think,
it must mean something.
Whatever it means, I hope it becomes clear to me sooner rather than later.
If it doesn't I may go into diabetic shock from all the carbs and sugar.
This possession is making me hungry and thirsty for all the things he loved most.
I miss him.
maybe I just miss him?
I know I miss him - I think of him everyday - at least once a day I stop what I am doing, close my eyes and picture his face, try to hear his voice in my ears
"I love you kid"
I love you too Papa - so much.
And, I miss you.
Miss you a lot.
Maybe my Nan is getting ready to go?
Maybe he is hanging out with me to get me ready?
Maybe he is fattening me up to get me through a lean time?
Maybe the Lost in Canada thing is about being lost period.
God knows I feel that lately too -
Maybe it is all the math I can't do?
Humph wish I knew.
All I do know for sure is tomorrow morning, first thing, I have a date with the convenient store on the way to work -
I am going to get me some OJ and guzzle.
And with that I should go sleep and maybe dream of wonky Canada again - it will be good to hear his voice on the other end of the phone.
"I'm on my way Kid"
Thanks Papa and don't forget the NIPS and CHHEZ IT's.