Bartender one more drink...better make it strong cause I don't need to think.

When I was a teenager my Mother decided that it would be a good idea for me to attend Alanon.
Is that even how you spell it?
Apparently the biological Father that I never knew was an alcoholic, and back in the 80's when I was coming of age, the concept of genetic pre-disposition for addiction was exploding all around me.
At the time I thought this was the most ridiculous idea that I had ever heard of - "Wait, what??? You want me to weekly meetings to listen to children and family members of alcoholics, go on and on about their experiences EVEN though I have never met my Father the drunk and you don't drink?????"
WHAT?
Of course what I didn't realize then, and....what my Mother did not take the time to calmly explain, is that not only is the genetic pre-disposition valid, but that she was an adult child/survivor of a alcoholic herself and was terrified that "the drink" would ruin us all.
My Grandmother had a major drinking problem when my Mother was growing up and from what I can piece together it was ugly and my Mom took the brunt of the pain/responsibility/clean-up/parenting - that my Grandmother left behind after she was long since passed out.
Hard for me to imagine my Nana that way (she got sober in my lifetime) BUT, I CAN imagine it when I allow myself to set aside all the wonderful things that she was for me.
I think part of the reason my own Mother hates me so much is because I got in my sober Nana, all the things she didn't - but I jump light years ahead...
Back in the day of my restless and rebellious youth, my Mother was the last person I felt any camaraderie with - but, I went to the damn meetings because she forced me to....
What I remember most, was all the crying.
That, and the shame that every child, adult or teenager at the time, SELF INFLICTED.
Every child there was fractured, ripped right in two because of their parents drinking.
There were common denominators to every equation of who is to blame, why is it this way, what did I do to deserve this for my childhood and how do I get my parent to stop abandoning me for the bottle?
Those common factors were these.
My dad would kiss me goodnight and his breath was stale beer.
My Mother left me alone to go out to the bar.
I feel like I am walking on eggshells because I never know if she is the happy drunk or the violent, raging drunk.
He said he 'could' stop - but he doesn't stop.
My parents scream all the time.
My Mother finally left.
I love him, but I hate that he chooses it over me.
He hit my mother.
It's always the same.
She abandoned me.
I cleaned up the puke but couldn't carry him to bed.
On and on and on....
I sat and listened, week after week to broken human beings recount the stories of their secret hell that they managed, while also trying to do their homework, trying to be strong for Mom (or DAD) and trying to develop some sense of self esteem.
I must admit it made me violently ill...
And knowing that it is the existence of millions of lives today, right now, it hurts me to my core.
Back in the day - sitting there in Alanon - I realized how many people I myself knew that were living this.
My boyfriends Dad was a drunk and every one of his siblings and himself and his Mother were mortally heart wounded because of it.
The healthy them died before they even had a chance to live.
I was amazed at how many familiar faces I could inject to the stories I heard from strangers.
It had a huge impact on me.
I decided then, that I would NEVER become an alcoholic.
And don't get me wrong I am Irish and I like tequila a lot - and I have the genetic pre-disposition and let's be honest, a fairly addictive personality...
I easily could have become my Grandmother (before the sobriety finally took hold.)
I drink, sure. Once in a while. And, if I am "partying" - there is always a cut off point - when I begin to lose my sense of control and moral compass.
I am a pretty harsh judge of drinkers.
I will admit it - I see no excuse for it - period.
You want to use alcohol to dull your pain rather than learn appropriate "coping skills" - in my mind you get a big red X on your character - if you have kids - that X, X's out your parenting completely.
Don't fool yourself to into thinking that the sober you in "functioning" hours makes up for the drunk you - it doesn't.
Harsh you say?
Yeah no, maybe you drink???
Unfortunately for me, I made the fatal mistake of marrying not one, but two men who I also consider alcoholics.
Neither one of them would EVER agree because neither one of them are "twelve pack or fifth of Jack a nighters."
They were (are) the social drinkers gone bad - the ones who end up sleeping with strangers on drunken business trips or spends their kids crib money on a binge at a bar or drinks themselves into stupidity because they socially feel awkward or gets behind the wheel of a car slurring their words and walking the curvy line.
When you use substances to dull or negate or make something difficult seem easier - you have a problem.
I hate it all....
Today I am feeling angry at both my husbands, my Grandmother, My Father and all the drunks I know that have ruined lives, rather than get themselves the HELP they need.
Yeah it is a disease - one I fight every day.
Childhood leukemia is a disease too - one without a choice......
The thing is for a drunk - there is ALWAYS A CHOICE INVOLVED AND ANOTHER WAY.
You ruin your kids life and then throw back the bud light to dull that reality for YOURSELF - than in my mind you are scum.
If you take offense to that - go to a mirror.
If it applies, get the newspaper find your local AA meeting and stop fucking up everyone's life.