I talked to her today and after, sat at the pool and thought about the turbulent relationship we have had through the years, why it is so and why we
I thought long and hard about what she has taught me, about what it is that maybe I have taught her.
I have no clue what I have taught her if anything.
I have some very specific thoughts on what she has taught me.
Primarily, we all don't do emotion the same way.
I mean I knew this, obviously I knew this, learned this early on from my Mother, we we felt nothing similar and I was cut from her very cloth...
I learned from Pam, that my tolerance for people who don't do it my way is low - or rather WAS low.
I have always been a feeler, a talker, a gotta go there to know there type...People who don't pour their guts out with ease freak me out and have left me feeling confused.
Why not talk about it? Why bottle it all up and keep it to yourself? Safety comes in numbers.
When Pam was diagnosed with breast cancer over ten years ago, I fully anticipated that she would divulge all the details of her treatment, all the details of the prognosis - that we would discuss every fear and every bad possibility - that we would mutually prepare for the worst through words - I got the bare minimum at best.
For me it was the worst...
I was frustrated beyond belief that I couldn't get her to do the Deb and Mary, she wouldn't open up her heart to me in even the slightest - this cancer journey did not involve me.
I felt very shut out - talk about things after all is what I do.
"How are you feeling Pam?" - "Oh you know Deb, I'm here"
Grrrr that is not an answer Pam.
Pam and I have always been different and yet so similar in so many ways. Not sure she would admit it, but it's true. Different in that we don't do emotion the same way - different in the way we express ourselves, different in a lot of our views even - but different is okay so what the hell was the big problem?
The problem as I see it, is that in a lot of other ways, we are exactly the same. Or were...We both fight for what we believe in with a ferocity that is downright scary to those in opposition. We are both Phoenix risen from ashes and mounds of dust and shit. We are both unbelievably strong and have a will that is unstoppable.
Truth is Pam and I are more like Sisters than maybe even she and Dan, we are just too much alike to get beyond our differences...Or, I should say we were.
The problems that Dan and I suffered through our marriage certainly did little to bring Pam and I closer together, we probably both sharpened our claws from our perspective corners. She wanted to believe the best of her Brother is all, but really, what sister doesn't?
I guess maybe I was too unforgiving of her position while I tried too hard to defend the misery in mine.
The years have been unkind to Pam and I...Until recently when I changed and maybe she did too.
In the great darkness of the past few years of my life, I had to face myself and facets of my personality that were just too fixed for all the wrong reasons.
I figured out that when I say "Pam how are you feeling?" and she says "Well you know Deb, I'm here" - that is a perfectly fine answer - it is her answer and although it is not how I would answer, I would divulge my misery fear and anger - she did too, in her own quiet, reserved and graceful way.
And at the bare bones, who am I to question the way she chooses to answer anything to anyone?
Every kinda is EVERY KINDA - not just the kinda that works for me, not just the way that I would do it.
Recently Pam said, "I wish I had your crazy ass personality" - that is a compliment that I will never ever forget as long as I live. Why you ask?
Because it shows me, that although the years have not been especially kind to our turbulent sister-hood, it has brought us closer in appreciation for who each other are and what it is that makes us different and unique, especially from each other.
Pam possesses a silent, unspoken determination that I wish I had - I wish I could hold on to my emotion a little longer before setting it free to the world - my big mouth has had my foot crammed into it a lot of my time here spent on this earth.
Determination does not always need to be announced or wear a name tag, having it is all that really matters.
Her journey with Cancer has been all her own and although she shares her life and her illness with many women battling this disease more than she does me - I'm sure they understand her challenges far better than I - it's not that she doesn't love or need me, not that she doesn't trust me enough to share.
I respect the way she has carried herself more than I can ever convey with words - and she has been at this relentless battle for over a decade and with few reprieves from it's possession of her body and I imagine, her quiet, dignified and private mind.
We have found our way from the opposite end of the spectrum to a common middle ground where our likenesses, like each other just fine and our differences now accept each other and more importantly, respect each other.
I respect my sister in- law and I am grateful to have arrived at this place and be fortunate enough and able to tell her with time to spare.
I will tell her kids too, if at some point they need to hear how unbelievably fabulous their Mother was.
I have a great memory and sixteen years worth of remembering with a great summer visit to add to that list and hopefully lots more amazing stuff to come.
I would tell you a lot more about her, but considering her private nature, I should really get her permission first.
Just know she is awesome and I am awesomely happy to have heard her say "I love you" today - I love you too Pammy Jean - with all my adoring and expanded heart.
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