Let me begin by saying THANK YOU to all of you who click the link each day and find your way into my head. Knowing that people read my incessant ramblings is like a jumper cable charge to my heart.
Just so you all know, I am quite possibly the worst editor in the world - when I quickly scan through my blogs before I hit the post button and free my writing to the open web, I never see the typos, grammatical mishaps, or worst of all the mis-spellings - I apologize for my messiness, I know it makes some of you (Tiffany) cringe. If only there was a voice recorder blog(sigh) - oh my, I would never shut up....
Last night, immediately before my grateful eyelids finally fell shut, I was re-reading a play by Jean-Paul Sartre titled NO EXIT. This text is one among a zillion that will be covered on my Humanities exam on Monday night. (See, I did study!)
Basically it's a play about three newly deceased people who are introduced to hell, which funny enough, is simply a room that they cannot leave. No fire pits, no torture chambers, no bubbling cauldrons and no Satan - just themselves and no eye lids...
I LOVE this play, think it is brilliant beyond words.
Imagine if that is the reality??? Oh my - bring on the hot licking flames I say.
These three mis-matched (or so they think) people are left to face their inner demons by way of having no other alternative - each character is meant to expose the flaws in the other - by way of an odd number, creating a triangle of inescapable truth. No mirrors, no sleep, no eye lids.
Yowza - hell hath no fury.
That got me thinking, and subsequently dreaming about what I have hidden deep down in my soul that would haunt me if I were to meet that exact same fate?
It's a pretty tough exercise to put yourself through - I assure you.
For me personally, I would definitely have to reckon with my vanity - the no mirror thing would be really annoying. I am, plainly put - a little vain. I will say that I am trying to overcome this ugly trait - I have really really tried hard in recent years to accept myself as I am and to not concentrate on the outer shell as the thing that defines me. I am this crazy head and heart, not my hair or my stretchmarks.
In this society however... that is easier said than done.
Beauty = power in America, but it's a power that also means being objectified, minimized and reduced to your sexual parts and in the long run, what that incites in others.
Oh, lets not forget judgment and hate. It was one of my favorite musicians Alana Davis that said "Everyone hates the prettiest girl in the room"
Exactly, so well said, so true Alana...
I think I am better suited for funniest or better yet, kindest or more appropriately, craziest.
Oh, perfect time for my Nana's voice - "Deb-o-rah Ann, pretty is as pretty does"
Yes vanity - gotta keep fighting that fight - still have work to do.
Seventeen extra pounds does not negate my value....
repeat.
Also, I can be quite intolerant. I know right, me? Yes me... Dr. Martin Luther King is my intolerance savior, he has helped me tremendously in this inner battle.
What I love most about Dr.King is that even in the face of such discrimination and brutality, he continued to hold love his fellow man, even the worst of the oppressors.
When he was faced with stupidity, he conjured up forgiveness for the morons shortcomings. He was able (miraculously) to remember human imperfection and ignorance and chose to teach it out of his enemies by example instead of fight back.
Gotta hug the people you want to strangle...
In my past, I have been the type to smile at someone who has fucked me over while grinding my teeth all to hell inside my fake smiling mouth, and simultaneously swallow and gag all the things I really want to say.
Since my Dr. King love thy oppressor applications, I have foamed at the mouth with ugliness a lot less.
But, I still have a lot of work to do - have to try to (genuinely) be more tolerant of idiots and those who hurt... Hold up - gotta clarify - not tolerant of their behavior in a submissive way - just not venomous and hell damning in my reaction.
Although if hell is a place with no eye lids, I got a few nominees...Stop it Deb - see - ugh work to do.
But, hey at least I am honest.
And honesty, what about that concept hmmmm?
I am not sure that I believe we have to be honest about everything, at least in terms of divulging everything to everyone. Some secrets are meant to be kept and some things are just meant to be secrets, period.
I think as long as you can be brutally honest with yourself - this action is crucial.
In my opinion, when you lie to yourself and then the lie you have told yourself becomes an untruth you spread around to the masses - well then you got problems and the biggest problem is that you cannot be honest with yourself. When you have to lie to your own reflection - then you are in real trouble.
I have secrets and secret plans and secret schemes, and sure some of them would get me in trouble with others - good thing I know enough to keep them to myself, cause me, well I am okay with my darkness and see it very clearly, embrace it daily.
The force is strong with me and I know it, therefore I keep it in honest check inside myself.
Because here it is folks, get ready.... It's human nature to have a dark side...
The real grace and wisdom that comes with aging (in my opinion) is that you finally accept it and learn to do the dance - question becomes, who leads this jaunt around the floor? The good or the bad?
For me, it's most definitely good the majority of the time - as for the trouble making Miss bad ass, well I let her have her way sometimes too - otherwise she would swell up inside me out of pure boredom and the good-doing levee would bust wide open, unleash all my inner wicked and ultimately destroy the world.
I am doing you all a favor by letting her out to play a little - trust me.
I just had the worst thought and literally shuddered.
Maybe my hell room would consist of nothing, just me, no one to talk to, no music and nothing to write with - no purple box, no pencil, no sheet of paper even... OMG
I feel a little nauseous.
I think I need some air and stat - with that, I think I will go find my little slice of heaven outside and talk to Mother red breast, see how the eggs are coming along...
And practice blinking (a lot) while I still have eye lids.
Peace out.
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