I have so much on my plate right now that logging in to a website that is not academic feels criminal, like I need to do it when no one is looking, shhhh... So, I am going to make this blog brief and carve it out straight from my brain in a rapid fire of words. I apologize in advance for the rant like, frenzied quality.
There are so many things I want to blog about this week, so so many. The one thing that I will take the time to fuss about is something that I have written about over and over in the past, this blog is a variation on the main theme of my life - motherhood.
About two weeks ago, I heard of a young girl from our community that had a sore knee (simple enough, growing pains) that ended up being bone cancer. I don't know her personally but to recognize her and her family.
Thing about me is that I don't need to know someone to have their pain pervade the cockles of my heart and take over. I am just heart broken for this family.
A few years back I heard of a young boy in our community who had also had been diagnosed with a life threatening condition, same reaction - my heart just weighed so much in my chest, a brick of concern. In that scenario, I cooked dinner, bought the mom special gifts of inspiration and knocked on their front door, an offer of my help - whatever they needed.
I don't know what else to do but offer the simplicity of my psychotic life up on the alter of perspective and get to work for someone who has real problems.
And I guess that is my point.
What the hell are my exams, my tuition burdens, or the twenty pounds I have gained in scope, up against cancer? They are simply put, the characteristics of an ordinary life.
The Mother of this young girl (Alyssa Divers) has an online journal. Her name is Lynn. I follow her journal entries daily, I have integrated it in to my life like brewing coffee or brushing teeth....read Lynn's entry.
I usually log in to her site right before I go to bed, that way I have a few quiet moments (or hours) to let the messages I perceive sink deep into my psyche where I then go through a series of comparison exercises, what she is facing versus what I am facing.
My happy truth is that there is no comparison or parallel even, to be made...
I read an entry the other night where Lynn was describing Alyssa having her hair washed, conditioned and brushed - her golden blond hair that her Mother has always rubbed for comfort that will shortly fall out... Lynn was trying to come up with new ways to soothe her daughter, minus the standard girl go to, the hair stroke.
Jesus. I am crying now just processing...
That night, I looked at Emma who was in my bed, like she is every night despite the back aches that plague me due to her bed hogginess,
I looked at her sleeping peacefully, in the safety net of her comfort zone (my bed) with her crazy blond
I cried for Lynn, I cried for a Mother I don't know, bawled like a baby...
Naturally I pray for Alyssa's health as her good health is the key to Lynn's peace.
I honestly want nothing more than for all the children in the world to be healthy and outlive their parents as the natural order of life dictates, a parent should never have to bury their own baby.
If only my want, was powerful enough to make that a reality.
I am praying and praying and praying.
And I am thinking and thinking and thinking...
I told Lynn the other night in a "guest book" entry that is must suck and be a blessing simultaneously, to have her awful pain be the catalyst for other peoples acknowledgment of their lack there of....
That statement there is in essence my personal commitment to Lynn and Alyssa.
I can't make all the babies of the world cancer free, BUT I can let Lynn's maternal suffering and Alyssa's unfair burden be my inspiration to PAY ATTENTION TO HOW LUCKY I AM.
I always thought it would never be me and then Matthew's diagnosis came. It can always be me, statistics say, it's you or me or my neighbor....
People this life is a blessing. OH MY GOD IT IS SO GOOD.
Even when it sucks with the overflow of bullshit, it is still an overflow and that is more than enough.
Lynn is the focus of my energy. When I think of all this (constantly) I am thinking primarily of Lynn and her journey. One Mother to another Mother.
God GIVE HER STRENGTH.
sigh....
I hope that when you get to the end of my word vomit, you will take a moment and say a prayer (if you pray) for Alyssa. Lynn has a wish that it goes like this - "DIE TUMOR DIE" !!!!!!
Then say a prayer for Lynn.
(she needs the community of other Mothers to provide her with an energy love force field strong enough to ward off despair and hopelessness)
Then, count your own blessings.
Then,
Imagine if you will,
that maybe these things happen,
to make others appreciate their blessings.
And, if that is the case (and I don't know that it is)
what will you do with your today and tomorrow and the next day?
MAKE IT COUNT...
Love and love and love some more, tell everyone you love,
"I love you"
(Thanks Alyssa and Lynn for the reminder)
P.S. I love you (everyone reading)
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