Here comes the sun little darlin'

Good lose an hour of sleep Sunday morning,
NO bitching - we gain an hour of sunshine and light YAY!!!
So this entry may not make any sense to anyone, I can feel it forming in my head as I type, but I am quite sure that it may read as fairly non- specific....I apologize for that in advance (I do that whole disclaimer thing a lot don't I ???)
Well, here goes... Last night I had an epiphany...
I cannot and I mean absolutely CANNOT make someone who does not want to see, SEE.
Period.
Me myself, I am in a constant state of emotional evolution, I am learning, taking, giving and exchanging with other humans alllll the time. I put myself and my TRUTHS out to the world in a stripped down bare, WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT IT IS nature. I CRAVE learning and I CRAVE change and I think the most poignant moments come when someone else either turns the light on or we do it together in unison (smiling coyly)
I want what others think, feel and know to be the missing pieces to my massive and colorful (and hopefully not even close to completed) jigsaw puzzle.
It's a beautiful thing that I wouldn't change if I could, why in the hell would I ???
BUT, that is ME, not everyone.
There is a large part of the population that does not operate this way and looks down on openness and willingness of my sort.
I see it a lot in the form of raised eyebrows and the turned up noses.
Sorry Dudes and Dudettes, but I have no apology for it.
I have someone in my life that CANNOT do the conversational/communicative aspect of life. Everything is an argument, everything is a fight, everything is negative and ugly and divided.
Their SIDE VS. MINE.
It is just so frustrating.
For the longest time, and I mean years and years of my life I have been convinced that if I hung in and stated my position over and over that eventually there would be a moment of movement- a give moment- an epiphany moment on his part.
I thought eventually the light will go on.
BUT, I have figured out last night, in MY EPIPHANY, that some people prefer the darkness.
I don't get it, but oh wait, I sort of do I guess.
If I had to identify a parallel of understanding from my own experience, I imagine it is similar to my old bad habit of being afraid.
The fear kept me paralyzed.
I guess the darkness is safer for some people.
My epiphany is this,
I cannot buy sunglasses and lead anyone out of their cave, they have to want to see the light themselves...
SIGH
I however will say, that I don't believe that my way is wrong. I DO believe that my way is RIGHT and I'm not moving from that position no matter what. I believe that the purpose of this life is to live it just the way I am (minus of course this bullshit tug o'war that has robbed me of far too much precious energy)
I believe that growing and changing for the better comes in numbers, with patient communication and in shutting up long enough to LISTEN and just IMAGINE that maybe there is something learned from another person. Many people, all people, everything.
Proof that I am correct, that my arrow strikes the target, comes in this very blog...
As stagnant as he is, I learned from him, an epiphany came for my life through this struggle with him.
It is not my job to drag anyone,anywhere.
I'll say it again (and this is for my sake)
I am living right for me, I am RIGHT for me, for me, for me.
I am right for me and you are right for you.
Our experience and wants are dramatically different.
You yelled, "let me out of this room!!!!"
I turned, and quietly shut the door behind me, left you alone to your darkness... EPIPHANY.
And today with an extra hour of light - GO FIGURE.

For Lynn Divers -"DIE TUMOR DIE"

Good Sunday Morning beautiful blog readers....
I have so much on my plate right now that logging in to a website that is not academic feels criminal, like I need to do it when no one is looking, shhhh... So, I am going to make this blog brief and carve it out straight from my brain in a rapid fire of words. I apologize in advance for the rant like, frenzied quality.
There are so many things I want to blog about this week, so so many. The one thing that I will take the time to fuss about is something that I have written about over and over in the past, this blog is a variation on the main theme of my life - motherhood.
About two weeks ago, I heard of a young girl from our community that had a sore knee (simple enough, growing pains) that ended up being bone cancer. I don't know her personally but to recognize her and her family.
Thing about me is that I don't need to know someone to have their pain pervade the cockles of my heart and take over. I am just heart broken for this family.
A few years back I heard of a young boy in our community who had also had been diagnosed with a life threatening condition, same reaction - my heart just weighed so much in my chest, a brick of concern. In that scenario, I cooked dinner, bought the mom special gifts of inspiration and knocked on their front door, an offer of my help - whatever they needed.
I don't know what else to do but offer the simplicity of my psychotic life up on the alter of perspective and get to work for someone who has real problems.
And I guess that is my point.
What the hell are my exams, my tuition burdens, or the twenty pounds I have gained in scope, up against cancer? They are simply put, the characteristics of an ordinary life.
The Mother of this young girl (Alyssa Divers) has an online journal. Her name is Lynn. I follow her journal entries daily, I have integrated it in to my life like brewing coffee or brushing teeth....read Lynn's entry.
I usually log in to her site right before I go to bed, that way I have a few quiet moments (or hours) to let the messages I perceive sink deep into my psyche where I then go through a series of comparison exercises, what she is facing versus what I am facing.
My happy truth is that there is no comparison or parallel even, to be made...
I read an entry the other night where Lynn was describing Alyssa having her hair washed, conditioned and brushed - her golden blond hair that her Mother has always rubbed for comfort that will shortly fall out... Lynn was trying to come up with new ways to soothe her daughter, minus the standard girl go to, the hair stroke.
Jesus. I am crying now just processing...
That night, I looked at Emma who was in my bed, like she is every night despite the back aches that plague me due to her bed hogginess,
I looked at her sleeping peacefully, in the safety net of her comfort zone (my bed) with her crazy blond and pink hair splayed out on my pillow like a peacocks feathers....
I cried for Lynn, I cried for a Mother I don't know, bawled like a baby...
Naturally I pray for Alyssa's health as her good health is the key to Lynn's peace.
I honestly want nothing more than for all the children in the world to be healthy and outlive their parents as the natural order of life dictates, a parent should never have to bury their own baby.
If only my want, was powerful enough to make that a reality.
I am praying and praying and praying.
And I am thinking and thinking and thinking...
I told Lynn the other night in a "guest book" entry that is must suck and be a blessing simultaneously, to have her awful pain be the catalyst for other peoples acknowledgment of their lack there of....
That statement there is in essence my personal commitment to Lynn and Alyssa.
I can't make all the babies of the world cancer free, BUT I can let Lynn's maternal suffering and Alyssa's unfair burden be my inspiration to PAY ATTENTION TO HOW LUCKY I AM.
I always thought it would never be me and then Matthew's diagnosis came. It can always be me, statistics say, it's you or me or my neighbor....
People this life is a blessing. OH MY GOD IT IS SO GOOD.
Even when it sucks with the overflow of bullshit, it is still an overflow and that is more than enough.
Lynn is the focus of my energy. When I think of all this (constantly) I am thinking primarily of Lynn and her journey. One Mother to another Mother.
God GIVE HER STRENGTH.
sigh....
I hope that when you get to the end of my word vomit, you will take a moment and say a prayer (if you pray) for Alyssa. Lynn has a wish that it goes like this - "DIE TUMOR DIE" !!!!!!
Then say a prayer for Lynn.
(she needs the community of other Mothers to provide her with an energy love force field strong enough to ward off despair and hopelessness)
Then, count your own blessings.
Then,
Imagine if you will,
that maybe these things happen,
to make others appreciate their blessings.
And, if that is the case (and I don't know that it is)
what will you do with your today and tomorrow and the next day?
MAKE IT COUNT...
Love and love and love some more, tell everyone you love,
"I love you"

(Thanks Alyssa and Lynn for the reminder)

P.S. I love you (everyone reading)