Never Surrender

Hi,
So without going into too much detail, simply because it is not my detail to go into, something has happened to someone I love that I can do very little about. I will suffice it to say it is major and beyond what I ever imagined I would deal with, even by association. Now, with that out of the way I would like to discuss the Wizard of Oz. I think there is a connection here, although honestly I am not quite sure what it is as I write... (I just instinctively, continue typing) - I will say that some day over the rainbow, I hope that my "someone by association" will look back and read this and say to themselves, wow she loved me.
Maybe just maybe, the connective tissue I identify here is that me and my "someone" (by association) are engaged in battle for freedom from a wicked witch and arrival at that sacred place, where you are finally capable of realizing/admitting, THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME. If only real life was manageable, by simply aiming a bucket of water and clicking some ruby slippers...
For as far back as I can remember, the Wizard of Oz has had a profound effect on me. I recall my horror, when as a child, I watched, mouth agape as the Wicked Witch of the West tossed her hate filled balls of fire at the sweet scarecrow. I would hold my breath tight in my chest as if the last breath I drew before he went up in flames was my actual, last breath. I squeezed my eyes painfully shut, wincing as I shrunk down into myself covering my face anxiously waiting for the fire to be put out. My reaction never differed, regardless of knowing the movie by heart. I struggled with my intense fear the exact same way each time I watched. The thing about back in the day, is that back in the day that movie being on TV truly was a special occasion. I am old enough to say, VHS tapes and DVR's did not exist. As a girl, every time I sat down to watch that movie was memorable, I was enraptured as though it were all brand new. I still feel that way today even as my collectors edition dvd, collects dust on the shelf in the next room. So much about that movie evoked strong emotion. Auntie Em in the crystal ball calling out for Dorothy... "Run Toto Run"... The first flight of the monkeys and the "Oooooweeo" soldiers marching in front of the castle - geez they freaked me out....Dorothy Gale was, and still is, my #1 fictional hero. She was so loyal and brave and not even slightly put off by the lollipop guild. The way she skipped down that endless yellow brick road with so much hope and enthusiasm, made me think skipping while singing is essential to safe arrival at your destination...The two things I loved the most about Dorothy were that she befriended un-likely's with absolutely no judgment and jumped on their personal bandwagons with as much conviction as her own. And, that when the witch wrote SURRENDER DOROTHY in the sky, she flat out refused.

Memories from the corners of my mind....
In the end, we all know how it ends - the virtues the boys were seeking, were inside them all along. The Great and powerful Oz was just a regular guy with a balloon and a dream, Dorothy will miss her BFF most of all and finally there is, no place like home.
All my long life this movie has stayed with me... My Mother laughs JUST like the Wicked Witch of the West. My kids call her "Nana Witch" - I call my sister Courtney, "Toto"....And my best friend Mary, is my scarecrow.

The song somewhere over the rainbow is my theme song, how could it not be??? Where troubles melt like lemon drops a way above the chimney tops that's where you'll find me...If little blue birds fly beyond the rainbow why oh why can't I ??? It's just so Deb...
What prompted this verbal expulsion of emotion and thought, was a flat out conclusion to a "TIMBER" falling like a cut down tree,bed flop. I fell hard, face first and sobbed into my blankets. When I rolled over and looked up at the blank ceiling, I felt like Dorothy in the poppy field, exhausted hazy woozy. Once I made the connection of feeling like Ms. Gale in her time of great distress, I squinted at the white wall space looking for a sky and a rainbow. And there in my minds eye and ear I heard and saw my beloved Dave Matthews describing (at Leroi's funeral mass), the first time he heard him play his sax. He said, and I loosely quote here purely from memory, "He played the most beautiful version of somewhere over the rainbow, that was the night I fell in love with him"....
Of course it was. What other song could it have been?
- And then, what happened next is what always happens to me, because I am admittedly some sort of freak of nature. The whole damn thing, my horrific personal issue, the Wizard of Oz, Dorothy Gale, The Cowardly Lion (Brian), Run Toto Run, "only bad witches are ugly", "and I'll miss you most of all" A baby blue Leroi and the music of my life, converged in a sense of spiritual and artistic peace.
The Wizard of Oz is about life. It is about unforeseen circumstances, bad choices, devotion, commitment, deep thought, courage, friendship, determination, song and a conviction that there is HOPE in all of it - even the Wicked Witch was avenging her sisters death out of love and loyalty.
The illusion of Oz and a quick fix never works. You must skip the path steadily, oil some hinges, slap some noses and put out some fires along the way. In the end when you wake up from the bad dream and look into the faces of those you love and who love you right back, the bad dream is worthy of remembering....It after all is responsible, for getting you to the place of appreciation for all you have, that you in fact had all along....
This fixes nothing for my person who I cannot help. It changes nothing in the immediate.... Consolation prize in the interim, I love you. And you love me. And no matter what the path or how long it takes, I will be here when the nightmare ends. I have been here all along. And if, through this battle, you appreciate the courage, intelligence and big heart you have inside yourself, and you figure out that no one else can give you what you already are OR define you, it will be worth the storm. And after the storm comes the rainbow. Imagine me singing to you, as I have all your life...