chosen one.

Good Morning my long lost loves, Oh wait....I have been missing, not all of you. I began a blog the other night, on the eve of my 42nd birthday but then something (which I cannot remember) distracted me and I was off like a rocket in a different direction. Go figure, me who finds it so difficult to sit still long enough to kick out a blog....I turned 42. I made it through the monumental forty first year. I feel both relieved and sad. That number has such significance as did, this past year of my life. I learned a lot about who I am, who I am not and what I DO and DO NOT want to become. And the craziest thing just happened....I had written about a paragraph more and suddenly it disappeared....Was that a divine intervention? Wow.......At any rate, I said that this year has proven to be mostly about becoming completely comfortable in my own skin and then....realizing that everything comes down to choice. I CHOOSE to live a certain way - or not. There are no victims, even me. And although bad things happen to good people and it feels completely unjust, there is a choice involved to handle yourself in truth and grace and gratitude or to just simply sit back in the darkness and blame. And....I have learned about myself this past 365 days and counting, that I have a dark side which I have always embraced a little to keep it satisfied, but man....There is a lot further my dark instincts would like me to go....I could really choose self destruction should it woo me with it's charms and I am sure point a finger as easily as my counterpoint....Last week I had a conversation with an old friend. He tried to convince me that "room mates" are the same as always. That the clock is ticking and time is running up, excuses are waning, time...I thought to myself, wow - I tried to warn the next victim - and for a moment I felt compelled to reach out BUT then, I thought...CHOICE. I have a choice and she has a choice and so does he. We all have choices. I am not comfortable in choices that are icky, no matter how much I may try and justify it with some piss poor excuse. I always feel as though I need a bristle brush and some AJAX to scrub myself clean. Because my dears, although there is dark in all of us, choosing dark means consequences and man do the dark choices yield dark payback. I will just wear a lot of black, dark gray, purple and merlot colors this year and call it darkness quota met constructively - we will call it healing through fashion Fall and Winter collection. I feel stronger as though the bullshit is really that and I am too smart at this point to take the bullet willingly - it feels better than it did like a month ago and that is a relief I cannot describe with words. When someone says "I love you, I miss you, soon" and that person is not capable of love in any real form - and you choose to over look that blatant fact - you CHOOSE to invite harm to your life. I chose a lot of harm this past year, a lot of harm too close to home, too close to the people who ARE capable of real love. Like my kids. My kids......God I love my kids. They are fantastic and unique and hilarity. Anyone who does not know the value in that, does not need to be anywhere near my beloved's and anywhere near me. My friends have referred to my Daughter a lot in trying to talk sense into my black abyss of a head (lately) - they have asked me "If this were Emma, what would you do?" That one has packed the punch. "What are you teaching Emma by throwing all your fantastic alongside in the gutter of life?" What have I taught my girl? Nothing good, except that you can see the light if you fight hard enough to get closer to what appears a pin hole - and that the in hole grows until eventually there is no longer a contrast. Light begets light. My Nana would like that. Yesterday me and and my brats (the little's) and my friends, the Suling's/Ramirez's went apple picking at Carters Mountain. We had crazy fun, crazy always goes hand and hand with our clan. I enjoyed myself immensely, the weather was perfection, the foliage breathtaking, Virginia was in all her glory and I was in the thick of it with friends and kids. Happiness is my Sunday. We then went to Mexican after because where else can you feed 4 kids for 8 bucks (love the boys at El Vaquero for keeping American ideals in tact, as an aside...go figure) - we laughed our asses off all through dinner and even commented once or twice on how sad it was that missed opportunity at real happiness was missing from the table x 4. Missing opportunity was probably unaware that such opportunities even exist and that somehow made my appreciation even sweeter. CHOICE my dears, I need to make the right ones and yesterday I was lucky enough to have that be old hat, normal, at my finger tips. Yay for me. I have a blessed life - this coming year it has to be all about making those blessings count even more that I have. I MUST get my childrens book published - it is such a great little story about such an important issue and I am so ridiculously proud of it - I want to share it so badly. I also, must dance again. Me and Dave are in a a dancers love affair, he has rattled the cage of my middle aged arch's, they curve and dance around the house, reborn. I would love to get Emma into a mirrored room and teach her how to feel the music in her muscles. Ahhhhh, nothing feels quite as good. I must also, SIGH, sign up for classes - a bachelors degree is not an option. I need to be back in school, especially considering where this country is headed. And I am not talking politics - I am talking personal responsibility and humanity. I want to be well versed in the history of the rise and fall of every civilization, if it turns out that there isn't much left of this one. I am a great story teller, around a fire may be the alternative to this web site. Can't say that I wouldn't find the discomfort a little comforting, just hoping that we as humans find moderation before we are taught a lesson that most of us are completely unaware is coming, hence ill prepared for. I cross the street to greet someone, so maybe I will be okay when the shit goes down? I teach my kids to do the same and although the learning process doesn't always indicate results, I think they are on track.....At any rate because I am fidgeting and need to move, this year has been a big one. Like I said when I started, bittersweet emotions are involved in the transition phase I find myself in. I am grateful to have made it through 41 and although I want to keep 41 forever, that would mean ending there and I am no where near ready to end. I will keep 41 securely plugged into my important memory file. I get to have it all it seems :) I am not perfect by any means - but I get a little closer with every lesson. I think getting closer to the unattainable is better than to have never tried to imagine it possible. I prefer this choice, thank you very much. I have no idea what I have said this morning, I hope on some level it makes sense. It will to me at a later date and I guess that too is what really matters. word of the day - CHOICE. If not for Sesame Street I would not have just said that..... Peace Out.